There is a married couple with whom my husband and I have breakfast with once or twice a week. I have known them for about 4 years, and they are aware that I am an incest survivor.

I joke about sex alot, but in a fun way, never as an insult or passive-aggressive jab.

Last year, the husband of that married couple (Rich) made several incest and homophobic jokes involving his wife when she was not present. The jokes were very insulting and in very poor taste. I told her in private what her husband had said about her, and because I was not able to confront him myself, my husband asked her husband to stop telling incest and rape jokes in front of me. They made me cry and get physically ill. Rich was sincerely surprised that I was offended, but agreed to watch his mouth.

Rich also flicks boogers at the table in restaurants, argues in public with his wife, and eats like a 10 month old child with food outside his mouth and talking while eating and sometimes food leaves his mouth because he is talking while eating. And no, he never sees the need to apoligize.

Why do we hang around with these people?

I like his wife; she is really funny and nice. My husband , I swear, never notices that Rich flicks boogers and his incest and rape jokes don't bother my husband. I have to explain to my husband in small words like he is a child why Rich's comments trigger me and why I want to end the relationship.

Rich got really disgusting last weekend. He made a sexual comment at the table, then when nobody reacted in shock, he said it 5 times more. Then he blurted out that he has seen nude photos of his daughter, and he said she was sexy. And that he walks around the house naked. Their daughter lives with them.

I froze when Rich said this. I successfully kept my food in my stomach, but my blood pressure shot through the roof. I am now having so much stomach pain and rectal pain that I am getting an upper GI test in the morning. I am dying of stomach pain, nausea, and burping up.

My husband at first could not understand why I was upset because I myself make sex jokes alot. I explained that my jokes are not hurtful, and I sure as hell would not make rape and incest jokes around someone who is a survivor of those events. I like to think that i am a little bit considerate of the feelings of others. To my mind, there's a big dif between me making a joke about , for an example, how I like the taste of horse meat ( use your imagination) and my husband whinnies and scrapes his foot on the floor in response, grinning wildly.... and Rich's comments about how his own daughter is sexy nude.

I maybe have a PTSD reaction to what Rich said (or I might have h. pylori) because when I am upset, it makes me physically sick, and I can't stop it.

I now have talked this over with my husband, and I am going to tell Rich's wife that we can't be friends any longer because of how Rich talks. I don't want to end the friendship with his wife, but they always travel together, they are joined at the hip, so it has to be both of them or nothing.

I talked this over with my T and he asked me why in the world do I consider Rich a friend, and I really don't. He gets on my nerves so badly that at least once a month I fake an illness so that I don't have to go to breakfast with them. He grates on my last nerve. Rich also reminds me of my father because they have the same body build.

My father made me wear see-through teddies when I was a teen and blossoming, and he has seen nude chalk art drawings of me when I was an art model. My mother, who also sexually abused me, showed my father those drawings. Any questions? I can't take this anymore.

I have tried over these four years to overlook Rich's behavior because I really enjoy his wife. Do you all think that Rich's behavior deserves that I end the relationship? How would you say this to his wife? This will be the fifth time in a year that I have ended a relationship or friendship because of being triggered by my PTSD. What would you do? Tell me what you think. I can't sleep anyway, I am in such pain.

My suggestion is, just do it. You really owe no one (except perhaps your hubby I suppose) an explanation.

I don't think you would want to do it my way. I would be inclined to tell them "no more", and why. Of course tact never was my specialty.

2quilt,

If he makes you feel uncomfortable, and refuses to behave under the boundaries that have been established.... Then by all means tell the JERK exactly what you think of him, don't bat an eye, shed a tear (for the lose of the friendship of his wife) and walk away. As fast as you can, this guy is a sicko.....

It sucks to lose a friend but you are doing the right thing. Even if his jokes were not sick (and they are) they are in really poor taste and they trigger you to the point that you are becoming ill. Your job is to protect and take care of you...

Get rid of dude and if his wife can't see her way clear to have a friendship that does not involve her hubby get rid of her too (sorry, I know that sounds mean).

Take care of you,
Jet

Okay 2quilt,
I am not trying to be rude, but that ladies husband sounds like a pig. Rude and inappropriate jokes aside.....flicking boogers and eating with his mouth open is disgusting. I think I would feel like vomiting just to see him eat. Why doesn't he just rip a big fart at the table too? He might as well....

Then on to the inappropriateness of his jokes. He has been asked to stop and yet he continues. That is inconsiderate and not something a friend would do to another friend.

I say good riddance! Sisu

2 Quilt:

I have ended friendships for the same reason. And you are the one who encouraged me to do it in a previous post. I told my husband he could remain friends, but surprisingly it did not work out.

The guy just could not shake the fact that his rude obnoxious behavior triggered me and he would talk about it everytime he saw my husband.

My husband got tired of him as well and he just kind of disappeared from our lives. His wife was very nice, but too tolerant of her assanine husband.

Take your own advice and dump the jerk. I know you have done it before and it is hard; but so is being physically and emotionally ill.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I have not spoken with that married couple yet because 1. I am sick now, waiting for the results of my upper GI test, and 2. I am not good at confronting, ending friendships, arguing with people who remind me of my abuser. I am avoiding it.

I sometimes feel like I am the worlds biggest and best friendship ender! Real simple to
manage. Just don't call, see, nothing. If they call, say "oops, sorry someone at the dorr, I'll call you back, then don't." Sounds not very nice and it isn't. But I don't do
confrontations very well either. This way they get the picture and just go away. Most
of the time. Yep! This is a rude cop out, but it works

Well 2quilt there is always snail mail/email, or a phone call that will work too. Then change your email address, phone #, and return to sender for snail mail.

Seriously do it however, whenever you feel up to it. JMO!!!!!

If I was friends with the guy's wife, I would be honest with her and tell her I just couldn't hang out with her when he is around. Seriously... a guy saying his own daughter is sexy is horrible... *shudder* I probably would have brought my fist down hard on the table and then walked out. If they didn't get why I was offended then I probably wouldn't want to be there anymore anyway.