Another one that has me ROTFLMAO!!! There are lots of other good ones here, too, guys, but don't want to use up too much space just laughing - thanks!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'

^^^

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Funny!

I typed this one out before and then it got eaten into cyber space and lost.

ONE more time:

An elderly woman rushed into a vet clinic cradling a duck in her arms! She yelled out - I think my duck is dead please help me! The vet came rushing out took the duck from her and raced into the examining room with the duck and lady on his heels.

He looked at the duck and said he believed the duck was dead. She challenged him - how do you know? You haven't done anything. He said OK.

He went to the kennel door and whistled, a black lab appeared wagging its tail. The vet called him over and tapped the examination table so the lab would put his paws up on the edge of the table and check out the duck.

The lab sniffed the duck all over and jumped down leaving with his tails between his legs. Next the vet went to the door and made kissing sounds.
A cat appeared rubbing his legs, he placed the cat on the table to play with the duck. As the cat sniffed and batted with his paws nothing happened. The cat jumped down and left the room.

He repeated himself that the duck was dead. The lady, resigned, said OK how much do I owe you? The vet began writing out the bill and said that will be 175.00 please. The lady said, "W H A T? But you didn't do anything!"

The vet replied, "you wouldn't believe me so I did the lab tests, and the cat scan to assure your duck was dead. That will be 175.00 please."


This is a safe joke for all ages and sexes.

> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
> bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I
> think it's about time we started cussing.'
>
> The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
>
> The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs
> for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
> and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old
> agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks
> the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he
> replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
> Cheerios.'
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across
> the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
> crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
> pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom
> locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay
> there until I let you out!'
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year
> old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU
> want for breakfast, young man?'
>
> I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your
> fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

JustJane,

You are so funny!

Spirit x

*The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist*

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

*The town council was not happy with the sign,* so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: *"Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."*

Everyone loved it.

Great Jokes!!
I had to do a project on skin grafts and found this-

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

If this were my husband, it would have been a fishing pole!!!

*****

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.