I've had a recalation this morning that I have an extremely negative reaction when
ever anybody enters my home.

I can not handle anyone coming in. If the person/people actually manage to enter my home I do not offer them a seat. I do not sit down. In fact I am antsy and walking around the room during their entire visit.

A hoard of relatives came to visit mother this past Saturday. I was miserable the entire time. I managed to handle them being in my space by sitting in front of the bird cage and talking to her.

I have been in bed ever since with horrible muscle spasms and a back that won't let me move. Today is the fist time I've done anything other than go to the bathroom. I am sitting up in a straight chair and not enjoying it very much.

I am curious about my adverse reaction to anyone entering my space(my home). This
reaction is not a normal one. I understand my agoraphobia, but THIS?

Any ideas?

Well, 3 days later and the back is finally better and breathing and basic living is now possible. Yippee!

Seems in place of my back pain, I have now developed an extremely poor attitude. I am angy, mad, touchy, way to sensitive and would just love to cuss everybody out.
I am full of resentmentg and distaste but I don't know at what or why. It is taking every bit of energy to maintain myself here in my diary. Why am I so angry? As I slip into an abyss of depression I feel so unable to control my emotions. I am truly freightened and not sure what is happening to m e.,

I have hesitated to even mention this because it my cause me more trouble here in the forum. That is why I put it in my diary. But I need to talk or ventor something in order
to clear my emotions and my mind of whatever is intruding. Can anyone help?

My dearest diary

Today I address you on the subject Stress and what it can do to you. Stress makes
you sick. Stress makes you grumpy. Stress puts wrinkles on your face and ulcers in
you stomach. Stress can put you under the bed. Left uncontrolled it can also put
you in the hospital. Stress affects your attitude in a negative manor and has been
known to run off your friends.

Personally I am over stress. Lately my stress has been self imposed, which is the worst kind. But ridding yourself of this stress is easier said than done. I don't know how to
quit stressing over recent issues going on in my life.

I am a wreck and do not seem to be getting any better. Living with mother is way
more difficult than I expected it to be. I don't know how to handle a situation like this.
The sad part is she is not doing anything--not a single thing-- that should bother me.
THe hard part of her aging has not even started yet. Therefore, I am confused
about why I feel this way. I know I am very frightened of loosing my mother. I am
obcessing over it and I know it not good for me.

Dam this is hard

Herc,

It's hard when parents become sick, old and frail. We see the process everyday, and everyday it wears on us. It's the small things that they lose, that are the big things for us. It frustrates us that they can't remember how to do a simple task, thought, or action. We see them slipping and we want to stop that process.

You fear what you know is coming. You fear the daily loss of your mom. You fear being alone. Your fear becomes stressful and you become angry.

Herc your fears are real and they are normal. You need help. Have you found a new T yet??? You need a way to relieve your stress too.

Try and be good to yourself.

A point was presented to me that I had never thought about. My sleep issues and that I may be fighting mt demons in my sleep. Is that an attempt for my mind to remember my trauma?

Well, as usual I play the ostrich with my head in the sand. Ignore the issue and it will go away. NOT

My patience is so thin with mother these days and I am barking at her again. It is stress and nothing more. This is so very much more difficult than I ever imagined. I could just sit down and cry for days. Maybe I will.

To overcome stress when you know it is self-inflicted is difficult, but not impossible. Maybe make a list of your favorite things.....foods, places, songs, etc. Write down as many as you can. Then when you are feeling stressed, get that list out an do one of those things. Listen to your favorite song.....and sing it loud, dance to it. Cook or go out and get your favorite food. Do something for YOU.....something you love and that pampering of yourself will make you feel good and happy. That will release some of that stress and it will give you a little break from mom. (My personal favorite is a manicure and pedicure)

Just an idea....

Take care of yourself!! Sisu

As I was sitting here at the computer it started to rain and a very vivid memory has come back.

When I was a kid my grandparents lived across the street. They had a huge house with a 2 car garage. Every summer they went back up north--yes they were "Snow Birds". That's what we call the seasonal residents in Florida. Anyway, back to the memory.

I had a key to their garage, don't know why, but I did. I would go across to their garage and pull a cot? over by the door, lower the door so I could see out but it would be barely open. I would lay there and watch the rain. I would only go there when it was a rainy day. I think that is totally weird.

I would stay there for hours, alone, and watch the rain. I have no memory of anything else around this but there has to be more. I must have been reading, or something. I can't imagine me just laying there and doing nothing, but I guess it is possible.

I am getting a feeling that there is something wrong with what I was doing. Like I should not be there. I don't think my mom ever came over to check on me and I would be gone for hours and hours. I know I was not a "little" kid. My sense is I was a pre- teen. Junior high age. I know I was not of high school age.

I do know that I felt relaxed, calm, unstressed. Like when I got there and laid down I would take a big deep breath and feel fantastic. I would watch the rain til it was gone. This memory is a new one sorta! I have had this come to me but with no emotion or feelings involved. Today is the first time I've felt the feelings I had associated with it.

But there is still a big gapping hole surrounding this memory. I can feel it. All the facts are not in yet. I feel like I was hiding from somethng or someone. Like it was my very secret special hiding place.

I wonder? Was I hiding from my dad? He was only home on weekends. If I was able to hide there for hours and hours, it would have to be the weekend, otherwise I would have been in school. I have no memory of ever skipping school, so it must have been weekends that I spent so much time in the garage.

There is more to this story because my mind just said to me "what else was going on in that garage?"

I am not writing any more right now as I feel myself entering a state of panic and anxiety. I want to stop it before it gets a hold of me

Herc,

You are remembering more and more, even if only bits and pieces. It will come. Think of just how much you have remembered since being here on the forum. You're doing great. Baby steps...

I am not sure if I decided to start sheltering again because I miss it and wanted to do it again or if it is a way to avoid dealing with my issues. But whatever the reason, I am glad I did.

Seeing my mom cuddle with the babies, listening to them purr and enjoying them is worth it. It has been a long time since I have seen my mom so relaxed and happy and enjoying life. She plays with my grown cats, but it is not the same as playing with the little ones.

Why do I feel like I have a purpose in life now by caring for the kittens and did not feel that way by caring for my mom. I love mom and am caring for her willingly. Our living together was my idea. Guess it is just a different type of feeling.