The hardest words I have ever written are going to be these. I have visited the site for about two months now, looking for help. Great information here but still feel isolated. Sorry if I ramble here or my thoughts are disjointed. I will also try to reign in my anger/hostility. It is not directed at anyone here obviously.

I am or was (not sure how to describe my former career or is it current career) a police officer in Canada with 22 years of service with my department. Typical career really, one shooting where I was directly involved and two where I was a back-up officer. Numerous tragic MVA's with death or serious injuries involved. Involved in over a dozen crashes during high speed pursuits resulting in 10 trips to the hospital for injuries. Have lost 2 good friends in the line of duty. Did my time in everything from traffic to undercover narcotics.

Diagnosed with PTSD in 2005 when I went off work as the world finally came crashing down around me. My Dr says that I have had PTSD since the early to mid 90's but like most police officers just plugged along in silence while emptying a great many bottles of beer and rye and wrecking personal relationships along the way. PTSD stems around the shooting and two of the car crashes during pursuits. When the incidents occured, no de-briefs no nothing. Just get back into the saddle again and do your job....or quit if you can't handle it. Even now, our HR department is probably the worst to deal with. Have had to hire lawyers to help me with my claim for benefits. You would think at least the HR staff would have a modicum of respect or compassion for their fellow man but I have yet to see it.

I exhibit the typical symptoms such as nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks, depression, suicidal ideation, anger, anxiety, panic attacks, avoidance, foreshortened furture etc etc etc.

I have pushed away most of my family but I am working hard to hang on to my girlfriend who tries to be supportive. I feel badly for her and my family as they try but they are not sure how to help me.

I have been off work since late 2005 and have been completely ostracized from work. They cut off my pay, I went on disibility, had to declare bankruptcy, lost my house, etc etc. Went through all the bullshit with being diagnosed (by their doctors) and am now starting to receive benefits from WSIB (Jan 08). Had one Dr suggest that it was my fault because I didn't seek treatment in a timely fashion!! Finally everyone is in agreement that I have PTSD!!! Is the system as screwed up everywhere just as it is here?

When I was at work, it was okay to drink, show up hung over etc as long as you did your job. Nobody wants to acknowledge the problems that officers face. During meetings with the Brass and HR with my laywers I have indicated that we do a poor job of helping people cope mentally. Now that I know what to look for, I see/know numerous officers exhibiting PTSD signs. Nobody including those officers want anything to do with ackowledging problems. I understand, as I didn't/don't want the stigma attached either. Most of the time I feel that being diagnosed with PTSD was the worst thing that happened to me. I know, how srewed up is that! At least I have the drinking under control now.

I only have 1 friend from work that I still see. He has been a great friend but how much can you put on one person's shoulders? Hate bothering him with my on-going soap opera saga but what do you do.

They have put me on different types of drugs with all having bad side effects and after my last evaluation (a month ago) by their Drs, they now want to start me on Effexor at 37.5mg/day working up to 75mg/day. Anyone know anything about this drug and the side effects? Feel like a freaking guinea pig!

Well, that's it for now. Drained just righting this part. Good luck to everyone here.

Hi Riggs,

Welcome to the forum.

Hello Riggs,
Welcome. I am new as well. I completely understand about the guilt you feel when telling your only friend from work about what's going on. I started talking to a therapist to ease my guilt. I didn't want our conversation filled with my issues and symptoms. I wanted so badly for our conversations to return to NORMAL. What I didn't realize was that my friend didn't mind the occasional 2 am calls when I couldn't sleep or woke from a nightmare. She didnt' mind lending an ear because that is what real friends do. Her words.... Maybe asking him how he feels about it might ease some of the guilt you are feeling. Anyhow, I am not familiar with the drug you cited in your post, never heard of it. When in doubt, ask your doctor for the information on the side effects, how many studies, etc. Also try your pharmacist. Mine is usually helpful and knowledgable.
Best wishes,
FightingLily

Hey Riggs. I have been on effexor for many years now. It is truelly the only anti- anxiety, depressant that has worked effectively for me. The dosage you are starting on is very small. I take a much higher dose. I think a therapuetic dosage is somewhere between 75 - 150 mg. Check it out on a drug site.

I also went through many trials of meds before I (we) settled on effexor. It has made a huge difference for me.

Cindy

Hi

Welcome. Amazing, If anyone organization should be aware of PTSD it should be Police services. Horrible how they blame the victim and turn a blind eye to it.

I'm new also, glad you were able to share

cec

Hi Riggs---I am new here too, also from Canada, and also worked in justice (although not for as long as you did). I hear what you're saying about the job expectation that people dealing with crisis have to somehow be immune to it themselves, no matter what occurs, or else they're seen as not being able to hack it. Very unreasonable, and also I think kind of condescending in a way. Kind of like saying "the people we serve can go through a crisis, but we never do". And if you are affected by something then it's a sign of weakness. But isn't being affected by things part of being human? Everyone---even the people who are denying the problem---has a limit of how much stress they can take.
Effexor is an anti-depressant that a doctor recommended for me about three years ago. I had a bad reaction to it as it made me quite anxious. I had never had a bad reaction to a medication like this so I didn't immediately recognize it, but I went back several days later because I was not sleeping (even more than usual) and the doctor took me off it. Just my experience---I'm sure it has worked for others.

Rivergirl

Thank you all for the replies. Well I took the plunge and have started the effexor (six days ago). I'll let everyone know how it goes. So far it's been HELL, with side effects. The Dr says that hopefully they will go away in a few more days or so.

Well....the effexor didn't work for me. Side effects of heart racing, huge increase in blood pressure, wanted to jump out of my skin etc etc. Oh well, on to the next drug.

Hi Riggs,

Read your post, my heart goes out to you! A very close friend of mine is in the same field as you and deals with the return to work. She feels your frustration and knows it's just a bunch of buracracy.

You know as I was reading your post, I wondered if one day you might be an advacate or consultant for those who are in the same boat as you. The system needs to change and your experiences and knowledge may benefit others who joined the force for noble reasons only to be taken down by this dreaded PTSD.

I wish you well.

Roxanne

Thanks Roxanne. I was having a bad day today and your message brought a smile to my face. Thank you for that.

I have obviously thought about my future a great deal and I have thought about the consulting/advocacy avenue. I know that at present I couldn't do it but who knows about the future when I have healed sufficiently.

Thanks again.