I've known for years that I have PTSD. Like so many others my standard coping method has been avoidance. There have been numerous times over the years when I attempted to work through my past traumas but inevitably the "gets worse before it gets better" part would be my downfall. I would stop because I couldn't handle feeling worse than I already did. I would bury my feelings, stuff them away, avoid thinking about it and hope that the thoughts, feelings, terror, flashbacks, etc. wouldn't return again. Of course it always returns.

I think I finally truly believe that my past traumas have an effect on how I perceive the world around me and how I interact with people. I believe it but don't generally recognize it...how would I? My way of dealing with things is the only way I've ever known. The way I over react to things, the things that I'm scared of, the things that I avoid are all normal to me. It's only when things feel completely out of control that I consider I might not be handling things the best way possible and my "normal" has been shaped by my past experiences (as is true for everyone) but ...oh, I'm not making much sense, never mind.

I was molested as a child. Raped as a young adult. These are my traumas. I've never truly dealt with them. I'm now married (currently separated) and have a 3-year-old daughter but my past still disrupts my present. I know that I need to work through my past traumas. I want to reach a point in my life where they don't effect me. It's only been very recently that I've been introduced to the idea that PTSD is forever. The idea that I can only learn to better deal with it is both frightening and frustrating. I'm realizing that there is no way to get better without first getting worse but that terrifies me. A lot of the time I feel like I'm barely capable of caring for myself and my daughter. Many days I think/feel like I'm not being a good enough mother. I can't afford to get worse. Aside from being terrified about what might happen to me, I am my daughter's only caregiver. I have to be able to take care of her.

It's only been in the past year that I've recognized that I dissociate. That scares me. Sometimes I feel like I'm scared of everything. I'm absolutely horrible at labeling my emotions. I know when I feel crappy but most of the time can't explain it. When I feel crappy I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down completely. This only makes me feel worse...you see where I'm going with this...vicious cycle.

I recently began working with a therapist who has an extensive background working with trauma patients. He told me that the first step towards being ready to deal with my PTSD is becoming as educated as possible about PTSD. Hence I find myself on this site. I've tried reading as much as I can on this site but so much of it makes me just cry. I think the more I read the more scared I get of trying to work on all of this and I finally decided if I didn't just register and start writing something I would probably chicken out. I don't feel like I've said much of anything in this post but then I don't really know where to start. I'm hoping that just by having posted something it will be easier to post again and perhaps begin to find my voice to talk about the things I've never been able to before.

because I read that and think WTF was I talking about. Sometimes I try to over think things instead of just going with what I'm feeling and then it doesn't make sense. I had an appointment with my trauma therapist yesterday (I've only been going to him for about 4 weeks, but my traumas are all very old) and he pointed out that I repeatedly ask him if I'm making sense. He said that I make perfect sense and that it's just my negative self-talk that makes me question it. I tried explaining that I generally ask because a lot of what I talk about doesn't make sense in my own head. Anyone else have any experience with this?

He also talked to me for awhile about and gave me some good information on grounding techniques to use when I feel like I'm disconnecting from what's going on around me. I'm kind of hopeful about finding one that works for me and really can't wait to try it out (that sounds kind of weird to me, but true). The disconnecting frightens the hell out of me.

I think my big thing right now is there are so many things that I know I need help sorting out or that I want to get out of my head but I don't necessarily feel safe confiding too much in him since I haven't been going to him for very long. I think I made some progress yesterday. I'd had this sexual experience with my husband last weekend that was really bothering me (nothing he did, the way I reacted and felt about it afterward). I was really beating up on myself about it and knew that I needed help with it but the idea of talking to my therapist about it was freaking me out. I wrote it down so that maybe I could just read it to him (kind of on auto-pilot without really having to think about it). I wasn't able to do that but towards the end of my appointment when my therapist asked if there was something else I really wanted to talk about (he said I looked like I had been fighting back tears for an hour) I was able to just give him the piece of paper to read himself (I had considered that before the appointment but didn't think I could do that either). I'm still upset about the incident from the weekend but feel a bit better that I was able to share it with my therapist. If nothing else, I think he now has a better idea of the kind of crap that is in my head and the stuff that I'm needing help with. The whole thing (incident from the weekend, sharing it with my therapist) makes me physically sick to my stomach. This morning there's part of me that is freaking about because I shared something so intimate and personal. I almost feel like I gave away a piece of myself by letting my therapist know what kind of thoughts are in my head. But I just keep telling myself it's for the greater good...hopefully a first step towards being able to work with this therapist and find a better place (mentally) for myself.

Anyone have any advice on how to get past the mental battle of wanting help but being scared to share the stuff in their head? Am I the only one that feels like I give a piece of myself away when I share the thoughts and feelings that I've been guarding so closely?

To anyone still reading--thanks for sticking it out through my rambling.

Crissy

Welcome to the forum.....

What you have described in your intro is basically what we all deal with. You have made a great choice by joining the forum. We all understand and can offer lots of support, but you need to do the work to get a better handle on your symptoms.

There is a ton of info here, so I suggest reading as much as you can.....

crockettc,
Welcome!
For a long time, I didn't deal with my trauma either. I was so busy taking care of kids and working, that I never really processed my feelings. I am still working on my feelings. I am able to tell about my trauma, but telling about my feelings is hard for me. I am glad you didn't chicken out. Very brave of you to write your introduction. Keep posting. You will find support here.
Best Wishes,
Lily