I don't know if denial is the right word.. I actually feel guilt whenever I feel happy. When I have something really good happening in my life, I feel ashamed that I even dare to smile.

And to you Dylan; I know what you mean, I understand..though I wish that I didn't. My mother was, and is, horrible to be around. She's like a predator with no boundaries. She never let me know when she was going to attack.

Even when I'm in a good mood, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't expect it to last...and voila! It usually doesn't.

Thank you for this thread. It really hits home. I'm afraid to allow myself to feel as good as possible for fear of causing something bad to happen. It's irrational and I realize that but I find myself putting the emotional brakes on whenever I think that I am feeling "too good".

Ah. Your post has made me remember something from childhood. If I came home from school or a birthday party or whatever feeling happy or excited, my mother would ridicule me and make fun of how I was feeling till I stopped feeling good. I think I still struggle with the pall of doom if things are going well.

I relate to this thread on many levels as my mother was a raging tyrant and I have become hyper-vigilant as a result. Every moment,never sure, what next? what did I do? is she gonna blow? should I run? did I forget a chore? oh God what if I did! oh look at her face is she mad? oh God here she comes.........lying in bed, holding my breath, she slammed the door, is she coming, I'll lean against the door, heart pounding, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING, STINKING, ROTTEN!!!!!!!!!!! Every person in a room I read, every exit, every window, every quiver of a lip, every raised inflection. People say I'm observant, they have no idea. People say relax, go with the flow but that was the flow. Denial= survival, that's why we do it because the self can only handle so much before denial/ dissociation kicks in to protect us. I need a break for now.

I just don't expect good things to last. Happiness is transient at best.

I've been out of town on a trip with no pc access, and to come back
and see posts from people who can relate to this is amazing. I have had a
lot of shame over the years about my mother being my primary abuser - as if there must be something truly despicable and disgusting about ME if my own
mother did those things to me....thanks very much for being willing to talk about it.

Seychelle - wow, thank you. I really related to that - internalizing that I am bad in order to preserve my connection to my "primary caretaker". I was reading in Trauma and Recovery where it seems that this can sometimes be tenaciously clung to, even years later. It explains much. I used to give myself a hard time: "Oh you are just using it as an excuse to fail at life....to not take responsibility...etc etc". Now that I'm beginning to understand where it comes from, I feel less like it's just ME, less like it's an innate character flaw.

Rachel - Yes, that certainly does make sense. If I keep on the move (hunt) then I may outrun danger...a moving target. I see a pattern here - so restless, can't sit still, have to keep searching.... and I also think I was hoping to find the one thing that would just FIX this crap. Once and for all. Now, I'm beginning to think it might be more like, I dunno, diabetes or something. I've been living in this sort of pastless/futureless place for so long, and lately flashes of patterns keep coming up...and I'm starting to think that maybe that it is one of those 'maintenance' type conditions.

I, too, remember being humiliated, mocked and shamed for exhibiting uninhibited joy, engagement with life, individuation. I'm reading a book right now called "The Pleasure Zone". It's really very good. It's helping me a lot.

BTW, I read the book, "The Body Remembers" and it's a great book. A bit...sophomorically...written, maybe, but makes it perfect for a layperson such as myself. A great resource. I also finished reading Trauma and Recovery and, especially for C-PTSD, it is a huge eye-opener and help! I'm still looking for the recommended book (I Can't Get Over It) at my bookstore...it'll show up eventually.

Anyway, I'm very grateful for this forum, and for all of you here.

Thanks,
Dylan

Wow Dylan and Seychelle, I was diagnosed with CPTSD (yesterday)as well and like you Seychelle I think it was going on for a longtime prior to being diagnosed I also thought it was Menopause. I also have the same way as you two have about your Mother. But hey isn't that where we learn our coping skills from? Thanks for posting Dylan it opened my eyes. I hope to get to know you all. I hope we'll all recover sooner then later.