I'm also new here. I've had PTSD for some four years now, since I was 14 I really started noticing that I actually wasn't acting normal, and that I was reacting out of fear, and it took me quite a lot of time to (allow myself to) realise what was wrong. Then, when I was 16, I finished highschool and moved to another continent for one year. Though I went there on my own, things worked out quite well as I found a lot of friends there who really cared for me (though they had now idea what was wrong), and I got a boyfriend, which was quite confronting first, because it made me even more scared and very aware of all the 'funny' (not so funny) reactions I had, but it was also very good because for the first time in my life, I could talk to someone - though never details about what happened, just the way I was feeling know. We've been together for one and a half year now (not seeing each other for months as I moved back and he stayed there for another six months, but anyway).

But now I came back to Europe and things kind of got messed up - I went to university here, which meant I had to live on my own, and which meant I had to miss my boyfriend, after living together with him for ten months. I got very scared quite often as I lived on my own and I had now one to talk to, and no one to sleep with (back home I feel safe and sleep with my little sister anyway), as I had to miss my boyfriend and go to university and deal with everything on my own... I still don't remember how I made it trough the days, I just remember I was in bed my ten o'clock every evening, not feeling safe to stay out or do anything. Not feeling safe to be with my back to my own door, either. No-one ever entered my room, though I did make quite a lot of friends in university. I wouldn't let them, and was very good at avoiding invitations for others. Then, with christmas, my boyfriend came back to Europe, so that was nice, though scary in the beginning (every time I do not see him for one week, my first reaction when I see him is one of panic - I don't know you!! am I supposed to kiss you?? i don't know if I want to do that!); but in february, my parents split up very suddenly and very violently, and my boyfriend was in Vienna and he was also looking for a job (he doesn't speak my language so can't find any work in my country). So for weeks I was very afraid my father might kill himself or us (now I fully well understand how family dramas come to happen!), I did not know where my boyfriend would be going (he wanted a job in Kabul, and applied for another one in Algeria, in a street where there had been three bomb attacks last year! I was afraid he was gonna get himself killed, or really to far away), and I had no one to talk to - home was screwed up, family was worried for my brothers and sisters, but not for me, I had the impression, as I was the eldest and seemed strong and was at university anyway, my basketball team was basically just worried about my sister who plays in the same team and cried in public while I couldn't - I'm not very good at crying, except when I'm getting very desperate, and in public or with family I won't, my boyfriend didn't get the fear I had - we all had at home - and why a divorce was so terrible. Shocking for one week, maybe, he seemed to think, but that's it. Not for me.

So all those uncertainties provoced even more - a lot more - PTSD reactions from my side, and now I've screwed up every single exam I had this semester - except one, for which I had an excellent note - the only exam where I had felt like the teacher cared for me and where I had managed to stay interested a bit.

So I have to do all those exams again, and there's my family situation completety screwed up, with lots of new stephmums and parents that have now time for acting like parents anymore, and becoming very egocentric and demanding, and my boyfriend has a job in Europe now but not in my country of course, so for every daily routine I have to see after my self and sometimes that's really hard when you're 18 and actually scared.

And I'm basically feeling quite lonely some times, and though until now, I did manage to live my life the way no one would know I had a severe problem (just a few suspects there might be a little problem somewhere), but it's really hard sometimes and now I have to do all my exams again and I just feel like crying and never stopping again.

Maybe that's way to long a story to introduce myself, but I don't know which part I should let out if I want this to me understandable, so, I'll just leave it this way, right?

Hi Zelie, welcome to the forum...It's a good place, with lots of good information on various aspects of PTSD, and a very understanding community.

Welcome to the forum

Best Wishes,
Lily

Zelie, You can find support and comfort here amongst those of us who can relate to your fear and pain. Feel free to tell more about yourself.

Welcome to the forum, Zélie. Sounds like an awful lot of stress, and I hope you're able to take good care of yourself through it all.

Best Wishes,
Hope

Welcome, Zelie...glad to have you here.

Welcome to the forum Zelie

Welcome Zelie! I can really relate to a lot of your problems, and then being only 18, and have to face them alone. I think you have to open up to someone, it's a good start on this forum, but you need someone close to you. Can you tell your boyfriend, or your brother or sister? You dont't have to reveal all your secrets at once, but just start telling someone that life isn't as great as it seems from outside.

Love and good karma to you!