I was a Police officer for 13 years and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I was involved in a standoff with a fellow who had a shotgun. I was inside his trailer and he aimed a shotgun in my direction and I sought cover in a bedroom down the hall. I finally talked him out of the gun and tackled him on the floor. I will never forget this incident which happened in 2002. I have many flashbacks of deaths including many childrens deaths and graphic motor vehicle accidents and suicides. I was a very compassionate officer and for that reason I was used frequently to do death notifications. I am now getting SSDI for both physical problems mainly my back and legs and my mental health issues. I never got along with the bosses because they were all drinkers and so were 95 percent of the other officers. I never fit in I completed my shift and went home to be with my family. I have a long way to go and I start a Cognitive Therapy class this week. I have helped many people ini my life yet noone seems to care. I feel alone and angry. I cant sleep and I have constant flashbacks and nightmares. I also miss entire days and my memory is shot. I am only 38 years old and started as an officer when I was 22. Well I hope to hear from everyone I could use a few friends that understand what I am going through. Many people just think I can put this all behind me and forget that it has happened. i wish it was that easy... Jeff...

Welcome to forum Jeff.

Hi Bubba,
I'm a serving police officer of just over 12 years service. Almost 2 years ago i was shot in the chest and arm with a sawn-off shotgun. I was extremely lucky to live. i am a member of an unarmed uniform police force and there was no need to shoot me. I was no threat to the armed gang that i approached.
Anyway i went through the run of the mill problems because of the shooting.....loss of memory,anger,guilt, felling suicidal and that feelinf that death is only around the corner....
i got help which was great. i started to learn why i was actually feeling like that. My marriage has suffered but we are now getting marriage quidence.....
No work mates know how i feel except the few that have been in the same sort of situation......
Police are the same all over the world.. when i was single i used to go drinking all the time with my unit members and we would laugh and joke about the dead body in the house we dealt with or the bad T/Acc. But thats the way we deal with it. We never were offered councelling so we dealt with the miser we saw on a daily basis by going to the pub and laughing it off. That "Black Sense of Humour" is known as here. We are not sick or bad, its just the way we deal with it.
I can't help you,,,,but hopefully others here will let u see that your not alone.
if you ever want to chat, give me a message.

Thomas

HI Jeff,

Welcome to the forum....No one here will tell you to put the crap behind you....So feel secure in that....

Hi, Jeff, welcome to the forum There are lots of people here who understand, and we all wish it was as easy as putting it behind us. But well done on starting the therapy class this week, good for you!

I'm sorry to hear your agency is unsupportive and was a difficult climate throughout your career. It's really a shame that the law enforcement community doesn't take better care of its officers (I'm married to a cop, I can say that ).

Hopefully you will soon have a support structure of people who *do* care and appreciate all you've done. Thank you. And again, welcome!

I read one researcher who speculated that officers most vulnerable to PTSD are the ones who are conscientious, compassionate, and yet are the best at "keeping it all together" in a critical incident.

I suspect there may be some truth in that, plus on top of it you didn't subscribe to the police culture that "sucks it up" and drinks it away at the end of shift.

I've found cognitive behavioral therapy to be my greatest friend in the managment of my PTSD. I've been in both group and individual therapy (and still am), and in talking and sharing with others it was a tremendous comfort to find that people DO care. Not all have the same background as us, but I've found that more helpful than being in a roomful of cops, because the experiences and pains have such a common thread that I don't feel like a loner in this world.

It's been 15 years since I went suicidal with my PTSD and had to leave, Jeff. I still have my bad times. For many of us, it's that way--it's not a complete "cure." But we learn to manage it. And that's where you're on the right track--congratulations on the therapy. STAY with it.

Also consider seeing a psychiatrist about medications, if you haven't. They can help you "be available" for the therapy, and there's no reason to be in greater pain than you need to be.

Be well, and remember it's a journey, brother.

Andy

Hi there-----I was a Corrections Supervisor and, like I suspect you did, approached it from the perspective of a helping profession. I was always there trying to help the inmates think about the changes they needed to make in their lives, counselling them, and listening to them. Most of the other people who worked there when I began were rude, hardass, lock-em-up-and-throw-away-the-key types and there was never any talk of self-care or debriefing.
As the years went on I was used more and more as the person who was willing to take on the hard stuff---the difficult inmates, the difficult staff on my team, the crisis situations. I felt that I put a huge amount of effort into that place and did everything that was asked of me (including "do the work of three people please"), and when I became overloaded and began to burn out at the end there was no support, no understanding----just blame that I couldn't work up to the levels that I had in the past.
Now I have been diagnosed with PTSD and, like you, my memory is shot, I even find it hard to concentrate enough to read a book. My sleep is wrecked and I struggle with medications for it. And most of all I am angry at the institution where they just sucked me dry, used my skills, and then tossed me away when I needed help.
This is a good place to find support and there are many people who have gone / are going through the same kinds of symptoms as you, so you are not alone.
Welcome.

Rivergirl

Welcome to the forum :)

you are certainly not alone in the symptoms you've expressed! I started the cognitive therapy about a month ago. it is very very difficult to get in touch with the feelings that you have spent so much time suppressing in order to cope. keep at it. and just so you know, as these feelings start coming up IT MAY GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER keep at it anyway