This is my own experience. I *hated* the thought of medications at all at one point, period. Trying to get them down my throat was as easy as trying to give a toddler medicine they do not want, and the fits very simuliar!!

Here is a brief history on my medications. They had me at one point before I was diagnosed with PTSD on 10 mg xanax a day to control my panic (also buspar combined). Started backfiring as the dose was so high I got to a point I could not think or function normal, like count money. But it also had the tolerance built up so it did not control the panic attack anymore either. So where do you go from there??? I learned to face panic down and had to during horrible withdrawls. I am now still at 2 mg a day. Does nothing, except I have to go off slow as it has very painful serious withdrawls, the less I am on now the harder the withdrawals are now. So when I want to torture myself I take a cut. I am taking it slow, again it is not a race.

The SSRIs like Zoloft. They were so insistant I take it (shrink and hubby), I fought and fought. Having a major med phobia did not help the cause either! Shrink had screwed up meds on me so bad I was hospitialized twice. I was doing better and progressing in threapy. I finally got to a point of depression and I could not do what was needed, like think, motivate, get out of bed, shower, care for myself or kids and I figured out at the point I was at personally I needed to go ahead and take what they wanted as far as Zoloft went to get further in treatment. They could not treat me in the state of mind I was in.

I see another doctor weekly also for CBT who cannot and does not dispense meds. He isn't very fond of them being used either, he thinks way to many are passed out and pretty much against them. One of the reasons I liked him so much and use him. But even he saw I was getting where I needed something to get me back on track and agreed I needed to go on it at a threaputic dose. It is a temporary thing. CBT does not always work for it all, exposure threapy can do damage if done to soon... Point is there is no one size fits all to treating, but the symptoms are pretty much identical and people on here are pretty good at seeing where you are and helping you make choices that will be good for you, guide you as they have been there, most therapist don't get it as they do not have PTSD. Everyone responds differently to meds, natural blends, and threapy styles. And people post what works for them and you try it, it may work or not. You go through to find what you feel good with and does not add stress and you are moving in the right direction.

But keep this one bit of info with you. One of my docs told me this. He said ignore what doctors say about where you are in your head. My own doc. He said that only you know what is going on in your head and the doctors may have an idea but they cannot get in there and really know, ONLY YOU DO.

Sometimes meds are needed to help ground you and get things in a better perspective and help you more readily do what is needed to start healing. I hate that I had to do it, but I would have stalled out and got worse if I did not. It is not and will not be permenant, but I look at more like training wheels. Sometimes it is needed so you do not fall off and you can move where you need to.

The thought of using enough meds just to do exposure just does not feel right to me. To me I am using it because I got to a point I could not get out of depression and that was stopping my recovery. So I am getting myself back up and get back on track and have gotten back to healing. Sometimes it is a needed tool to help get things started, or back on track but not a permenant solution. And you are NOT a failure if you need something to get you started down that road.

Maybe the therapist you are using is not right for you, it is important to have docs on the same page as you experienced with PTSD. Maybe you would benefit more from CBT to help change thinking styles and response first and then move onto exposure therapy later. I wish you luck, and it can get confusing. But like I said before, going by what you had posted I just think you need to work on your thinking style first and get that right before pushing into exposure too soon.

Just going by my experience, I am by no means a doctor, I just have PTSD.

Thank you veiled! I have been back and forth between my message and your posting to try and respond to everything you said, but I keep losing it. And each time I come back here, I have to restart my message - as you know.
I am seeing a psychologist that uses CBT and that's why I find all this so strange. I don't understand why they are just telling me to just get out there, but then I'm not really good at voicing how I feel and maybe they think I'm ready.
As for the drugs, lot's of skepticism there. I am so afraid I'm going to become dependent on something and how will I know if I am dependent if I'm on drugs? I had problems years ago with my thyroid and the Dr. I had then, misdiagnosed me with depression and put me on paxil. By the time they realized it was a thyroid problem and not depression, two years had gone by, I had gained 60 pounds and I had lost total control of my teenagers. I honestly felt numb, but didn't know it while I was on the drugs. How will I know if I'm losing it all again? And although I'm not suicidal, I've heard some of these SSRI's can cause suicide. I could hide that from my family - I am very good at hiding my feelings - and I'm afraid the drugs might make me do something stupid.
I just feel so messed up sometimes... It's almost like I'm my own enemy.

Melody, when you hit post reply in the lower left and go to the new page; once it is loaded all the way you can scroll down and under the box to put your reply will be all the posts from this thread. Also, if you are like me and it freezes up and you lose your message... I right click and click "select all" and then right click again to click "copy". That way if it doesn't go through I do not lose my message. Second nature for me now.


OK, I do not get it either. A psycologist can't dispense meds. And the C in CBT is cognitive. Thinking. That should be tackled first. My doc that does CBT wasn't thrilled with me going to play with a trigger at this point when I did for the first time over a week ago. I have been in it for about 3 - 3 1/2 months with him? He is still working with me as far as response and addressing how I respond to the traumas, trying to digest them. And with no doubt he is not on the same page as my shrink as in he wants to see me off xanax completely to better benefit from CBT. And at first he did not want me on Zoloft either as he thinks it does not help CBT either. The big but came when he expected a decent depression to come and said who would not be depressed about it, I should feel it as it is normal, he just did not know I was going to be hit by it so hard... Then he changed his mind. A good doc can and will say OK I was`wrong! A doctor who says it is this course of treatment and no other has too much ego and not taking in account that person.

The shrink wants me doped up to a point I don't feel it so in her terms I would "be better" and to her this is the only way with PTSD. She has loosened up and now agrees to do it temporary.

Your CBT person seems to be throwing you to the wolves and trying to rush things. Are you on an insurance plan that is only going to cover so many visits? Or is this out of pocket? Can you find a different person who does CBT, it sounds like you need a new one, quickly.

You sound as if you are voicing it because if you were not you would not be on the phone with them for an hour over a tire blow out! That is a no-brainer you are fragile right now if you are on the phone an hour. By the way, I had the exact same thing happen to me on a road trip. A car was next to me and boom. I had my window down, and I swear I had to change my britches LOL, not fun with an already bad startle response. Shotgun was the same thing that flashed through my mind.

Fear of becoming depedant is valid. You will, and you will have withdrawals, that is the down side of them and if you do not want to take them find a doctor who feels the same as you in that regard, that is what I did. Again, I am not on them to do exposure, I have not been on it long enough to beat depression either. But sometimes it is a useful tool to help treatment start. But I see no reason you cannot find a gentle CBT therapist who will guide you nice and slow to try and avoid needing meds. I am scared of meds and it made me feel like a failure taking them. And yes any med has side effects but there are lots of natural alternatives.

Thyroid in check now? Have you checked it? A thyroid problem can cause many of these symptoms, first thing shrink did was send me out to have it checked before hard diagnosing.

Losing control of teens... Can you really have teens and control them? Does not compute, can that go in the same sentence LOL??? I have 2 teens an 8 yo and one going on 3... You did not lose control, hormones took control, unavoidable! They will take advantage when you are down no doubt but that is the nature of most teens, pack leader looks weak. Can we go in and rule the pack now? They will all try it for the most part. Hell, I am about to put the female one on E bay! Or maybe in a "free box" in front of the grocer like people do with kittens and puppies!

Yes, it can feel like you're your worst enemy... I am going to temporarily move my diary back to public. It is long but take a look. See if there is anything you can take away from it. You need to start yours if you have not. Also, maybe look into a book by a guy who does CBT and is a shrink (MD). Feeling Good.

Melody, if you are so scared of prescription medication, then I would recommend you go to alternative medications, naturopath, homeopath, acupuncture, tradional chinese medicine, etc etc... these will replace prescription medications, and do a better job if you ask me, but they are also more expensive than prescription medications. If you are coping, that is one thing, but if your struggling, you need some immediate relief now, so you don't fall over the edge. I would suggest natural therapies if you have the money. Once a week, or once fortnight acupuncture can treat so many things.... you will truly be surprised.

i asked my dr. how to get off the lexapro, but he wants me to stay on it for 3 or 4 more months? i am on two other anti-depressants, so it's not like i'd be off everything. i told him i'd think about it. but he did tell me if i do, to take half one for a week, and then quit. decisions are not the easiest thing for me still, i keep going back and forth on this one. anybody out there dealt with this drug much? i need some input.

You are lexapro and 2 other anti-depressants? What all are you on?

wellbutrin and cymbalta. and something for sleep, which i quit because it wasn't working, now i take estroven pm instead--it has black cohash to help sleep, and i got off the hormones and take it instead. it seems to work better. i hate meds, i don't have side effects though.

Thanks veiled for that info on how to post replies - does that ever make it easier - lol! I tried to go through all the info on posting replies, etc., but way too much to contain and besides, I'm a visual person. Reading it doesn't always work, I need someone to show me.
Thanks for allowing me to go through your diary. I found it and started to go through it, but need more time and have to go to a family function today and can't think about much else. So if it's okay, I will get to it over the next few days.
In answer to some of your other questions: I am covered by insurance because this happened at work, so they will pay for just about anything that is related to helping me. ie. treatment and meds. I have started seeing a psychiatrist through this trauma program and he's the one who will be prescribing them for me. Right now, he's taking inventory (so to speak) to determine whether he thinks I need them. And as for the thyroid, I'm going on Wednesday to have blood tests done. They are also going to check my hormone levels as well because I'm of that age where they could also be adding to my lack of control over my emotions. Sucks getting old!

Hmmmm.... I never will agree with a physician that believes 3 anti-depressants are required for treatment. I know and understand that two in combination change the effects for some, but it is still a dangerous process for the sufferer, because anti-depressants have such high rates of suicidal ideation and other side-effects.

Lexapro is really for anxiety and covers depression also, a two for one deal. The problem with lexapro though, is whilst a very good drug for anxiety, it has a high rate of increased suicidal ideation, hence why the other two anti-depressants are then prescribed to counter the lexapro effect.

At a rough guess, if you get of the lexapro, only one anti-depressant would be required, though you also have the anxiety issue lingering them also as a result.

The solution! Taper yourself off all medications gradually whilst hitting the hell out of your trauma head on. Yes, your going to get very ill doing it, but it is the fastest method to recovery which needs no medications for constant issues. Any longer than 12 months on medications, and your recovery process has gone severely wrong somewhere. Someone is either leading you up the garden path, or your simply being too reluctant to deal with your trauma properly.

The wellbutrin in the mix raises risk for seizure. As from a safety point of view that may be the one to pull first? You can register with webmd to go to their drug checker for bad combos, and why they are bad.