You know it now...You're not alone. I too have suffered with PTSD from early childhood. Never the faintest clue then. Mother said, her 'hellish' life...the cont. abuse to me..the fact that she didn't live up to her dreams. It was all my fault. We just left father, if memory serves me with not even a goodbye. He was my inconceivable horror. I loved this man throughout, but oh how he set us girls on some endless obstacle course in life. Spaced-out, zoned-out, lost, from another world these are all ways I now understand as dissociation (after reading info. on dissociation post) in forum. That's me. Much has helped me in this forum to understand and have a little compassion for myself. Look forward to reading your posts. Oh, and when you choose words like "everyday wrapping the real me--that sick, aborted creature sobbing in the dark--in chains." I can relate to exactly what it is that motivates us to express ourselves in this way. HORROR! Stick with it, and nice to have you around.

Thanks. You must be very strong to have survived such a childhood. It's hard for me to relate, though. I handle my emotions, including those of suffering, from a very great distance. To relate is to feel--to betray myself. So, without real emotions, life has very little significance for me. I'm no longer even able to feel frustrated at my inability to grasp the meaningfulness of the things that I know (rationally) should be meaningful. I fear I'm something of an emotional corpse. I have very little to give and a great deal to take. Perhaps I do not belong here but, once again, thank you for your kind words.

Your response Delita is no different to most with PTSD, in that we all attempt to distance ourselves from our emotional self. The problem is though, is that being that way doesn't stop you healing, because part of the healing is bringing yourself back to the emotional root level, however; if you do not want to get to this level, and remain distant from your emotions, then the hellish life with PTSD in control continues until such time as you choose to face your fears, face your trauma... at which point you then learn to take control of PTSD.

Your not meant to have anything to give at present, hence why your here, you need help. We can help, but unfortunately you must be willing to help yourself, you must be open to facing your fears, you must want to get better past the point of pain your going to endure doing so. Trauma exposure is more painful than living it in the first place, because now you've had time to process it, know it, and fear it. The only thing you need to give Delita, is your strength to heal and willingness to learn, not step out when the going gets tough, but force yourself through the what may seem like endless pain, because it does get better.

Hi Delita,
Welcome, just wanted to tell you that you have friends here :)

Hi Delita,
Welcome - I too am relatively new, but I can tell you it's so comforting knowing there are people that know exactly how you feel!

Thanks guys. I'm slowly beginning to realize that these are exactly the sorts of things I need to hear. A part of me is so alienated from other human beings that even though you may understand what I'm going through, because you're people, I immediately want to run the other way.

Well, here I am. I'm forever afraid of being inappropriate, especially when I begin to hand the reigns over to my emotions. PM me if I get out of hand.

Delita,

This place is designed to help you heal........you can't do that if you are always worried about being 'appropriate'. No bs approach is well accepted here, just the usual boundaries of not abusing others etc. Trust me, if you step out of line Anthony will point you in the right direction.

Hey, delita-this is "home", a place where you can take your shoes off, and be yourself. relax, let it help you.