hey , hope. i know it's hard to believe that stuff from that long ago can just all of a sudden knock you down, but it can. same thing with me. i never dreamed you could get p tsd from something so long ago.

Hope, yes, it is possible for it to still hurt 20, 30, 40, or however many years later. I was abused, starting around age 5 until I was 22 (that's when I moved out of my parents' house) and now I'm 40; I can tell you the pain I feel is just as real as when I went through it way back then.

And, as far as it being all in your head, well, yes it is. And it needs to get out. Therapy and talking about it, processing it, letting people know about it will get you through it and get it out of your head (well, not really out, but in time it will have less and less of an effect on you).

For me, feelings of worthlessness and despair knock me for a loop, blindsiding me even, when I am alone. It's something else I need to work on!

I just wanted to tell you that I have a few similarities to you and I am going through much of the same. I used many different substances over 20 years of my life to try and numb my pains. I have been clean from my drug of choice now for 9 years now, though I have recently been dealing with tough cravings. I used to work in SF and had a job that I loved, I did what I wanted, had my own money and life. Now I am a stay at home mom for two year old twins and a baby that is seven months. I honestly think that being cooped up and not having a lot of adult interaction can be a trigger itself. Plus it is stressful raising children, let's be honest! My PTSD was diagosed 13 years ago and I know I will be dealing with flare ups the rest of my life. I just take comfort in knowing that I am dealing with it the best way I can, and that I am doing it sober - you are too! I think that is so great you are able to feel compassionate toward yourself, you deserve it. I know for me after years of struggling with my PTSD alone, I had to come to a place where I love and care about myself. I hope you do the same for you, and of course we will too.

Hi goingonhope,
Welcome!
I too have felt like this. I've sat here for hours, pouring my heart out and then just been too afraid to click the "submit reply" button. Instead I just hit delete because part of me wants to believe that if it's not down on paper, then it's not really true. And sure I know it is (true), it's just a little game I've played with myself. I've hidden how I really feel from everyone (until just recently), because I thought PTSD was only short-term and if I didn't talk about it, it would go away. And hopefully go away, before anyone found out just how "mental" I think I am. I also think a huge part of it is shame and disappointment with myself; that somehow, I've let everyone down.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I found the private diary a good place to start. That way, only Anthony and Dr Roerich get to see how you truly feel and it's a good way to break the ice for public postings. Sure, I'm still hitting the delete button, but it's not all the time.
Good luck and I hope to speak with you in the near future.

Hi Melody, O how we think alike. I too have found the private diary and that's partly why I haven't responded sooner. Putting forth a lot of effort to heal my mind. Love seeing "Hope's Diary" .... absolutely love it. It's not always easy juggling this process with being available for family. Still struggling with this juggling perf., but prefer this struggle anyday over the alt. This post is going to be a hard one to submit, don't ask me why, I don't know, it just will be. Sat. I printed my diary and I know exactly what you mean, see it, read it on paper, as opposed to the monitor it's impact much greater...Ooouuuch! Melody, I highly doubt that you're mental...I'm not mental and you make far, far too much sense to me. I too know the sickening feelings of shame, even when I need not feel ashamed. It controlled me for many years. It still can and will during this process, more so if I fall asleep to to what I have. Would love to hear from you some more...and keep pouring out your heart. :kickass: Melody

Miander, Kim, Cookie ....really appreciate your support. THX. Just like the rest of us at times, I'm not feeling very well. tbh, I feel awful right now. My username should be scatterbrain.:frown: Please, except my apoligies for not acknowledging your support sooner. Much appreciated!

Hope, no apologies necessary.

And I can SO relate to being scatterbrained. That is my life!

I was talking with my therapist about it just yesterday, asking if when I get farther through my treatment would my memory get any better and he said no, he doesn't think so...that the memory problems are a direct result of the years of abuse I suffered.:frown:

I feel like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz...