Hey beachbum, Can I ever relate to that! I find it so hard to not keep checking over my shoulder, but my therapist told me it will only make the anxiety worse and that it becomes compulsive. Just like checking to make sure the windows and doors are locked.
I was getting quite bad at that and now I go through this whole talking to myself thing (does anyone else do that? talk to themselves?). I tell myself that I've already checked them and no one has been out since I checked them, so there is no need to check them again. The worst thing is when I can't convince myself not to, that maybe the first time, I didn't check properly.
I have nightmares all the time about not being able to lock the door; that the lock or the door is broken and I can feel/see him waiting for me to leave it unattended. If I had a dollar for everytime I pushed a piece of furniture in front of the door in my dreams, I'd be rich! Trouble is, lately the hinges on the door are broken and it opens out too.
Can't wait until I feel that way and when I do, you'll be the first one to know!

hi melody,

How do you do it? How do you get through each day knowing that the person that threatened your life, could be near by?

umm advice, i'll try, but how useful it will be i don't know.

how do i do it? - simply by getting through each minute, then hour, day, week. my emotions and their intensity change fast, meaning that i can be reasonably fine one moment and highly anxious and fearful the next. unpredicably predicable! i've learnt, or try to remember when it's intense, i tell myself that this bad feeling Will Not Last Forever, it will pass, i just have to hang in there, and wait it out. sounds silly but for me it helps but i have had to work and persist with it. i can't stop the emotions getting that intense yet, but i do find comfort knowing that they will pass, maybe in a few minutes, maybe in half an hour but i can now believe and accept that they will come, and then go. The hard part is the waiting it out.

for me, i know for certain that He lived in the same area as me- his sentancing included attending a certain mental health centre that's catchment area includes the borough i live in, shop, hanged out etc.

Can you be completely sure that He is near by you? or Is it just fear?

(i found what anthony has writen helped me to step back and see what was actually going on and what you think is going on- the two are different)

i have to put it in perspective- yes, fact, He lives within the catchment area -this area is a reasonable size with hundreds of other people living in it, me included.(and there is always a chance he could have moved- wishful thinking on my part!) depsite being hyper vigilant, in 22 months (since my trauma happened) i have never seen him, and the actual freak chance of that happening statisically is negliable. if i was going to see him surely i would have by now? but knowing this doesn't always match up to where my fears take me. it's a difficult one. Fear is strange, it blocks out otherwise logical thinking and preys on your insecurities.

how do you overcome fear? -by facing it. you can run from it and avoid places, people, your own front door, but all that does is prolong the fear, intensify it even, it doesn't make it go away. i know, i've mastered avoidance, and the fear remains. i reached a point where i had to decide, do i carry on in fear hell, and keep running or do i mentally choose to stay and fight back? i choose to fight because realistically what other option do you have? how long can someone keep avoiding everything? i'm sure you will know when the time is right for you.

on a practical level - i started off slowly. control was, and is important to me, so some of this may seem a little obsessional, but is a comprimise for getting me out. here are a few things that made going out easier for me - planning is the key!

wear clothes/shoes that you feel comfortable in, check you have everything you need to go out eg, house/car keys, money, shopping list, windows shut, alarm on etc. these things you can control, even if you have to spend 20mins or more getting everything ready!

mentally reward yourself throughout eg. the front door is closed and i'm standing outside, well done, don't forget to breathe, you've reached the car, and made it safely inside- good job etc you get the jist. small achievements soon add up to bigger ones.

if going out alone is too hard, arrange for a friend/ family member to go with you, until your ready to take the step alone- the more positive/bearable experiences you can gather, build up, so with practise and time, fear is faced and anxiety level controlled.

i started at a basic level - opening the front door when no-one was there. unlocking it, opening it 1 inch, quarter way, half, fully, setting yourself the challenge - i will open the door for 2 seconds, build it up, 5 sec, 10, 1 min etc building up your confidence, and lowering anxiety, next move onto standing outside. leading up to going food shopping alone - saying to yourself that if you have to sit in the car park for 30mins first, buy one product, then leave, that is ok,that is all you can manage that day then fine, give yourself a break,
if i've learnt one thing about ptsd it is that you have to be nice to yourself, push yourself -yes, set yourself up to fail - no. accept that some days everything is a difficult challenenge- then get by for each minute- other days are less hard, enjoy them and compliment yourself, you are worth it.

How do i get through each day knowing he could POSSIBLY ( in the loosest sense of the word) be near by? i sit and panic until i can't stand it any more and eventually decided that i won't let him have this fear over me, that i will fight the images he/it conjures up and struggle to control the thoughts and body sensations until i'm worn out, until i want to give up, and then i cry, and begin to slowly heal, each day, a step further away from him and closer to having a life again. i've found that now it's not as important to know where he is, but where i am, its not all solely about him anymore, it's about me. I deserve the attention, not him.

i hope some of this helps, if you like you can pm me, or you can ask any questions back here, i will look out for both, i don't come online everyday so appoligise for any dely getting back to you. take care

Hi darkskies,
Wow, you most certainly gave me a lot to think about... it's almost like you're in my head.

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How do you do it? How do you get through each day knowing that the person that threatened your life, could be near by?

Up until now, I have just hidden. I didn't care that "the chances of meeting up with him were negligent," there is a part of me that believes he is waiting for me. And although I'm a very analytical person, my mind hasn't been what it was.

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Fear is strange, it blocks out otherwise logical thinking and preys on your insecurities.

This is so true, when I'm scared, I can't think and all I want to do is hide, but I am really going to try.
I have been so disappointed in myself and even when I did get myself out and was able to do something like walk across the street and check the mail, I haven't given myself credit. And when my partner would say "I'm so proud of you," I would roll my eyes and feel like I was in kindergarten.
I used to get up every morning before work and walk for an hour and when I initially got outside, it would be dark. Hardly anyone would be up, but that's why I liked it. It was so quiet and as I walked, the world would slowly wake up. I could hear the bird's waking up, sometimes smell people making breakfast and the sun would rise on a new day. So when I got praised for walking across the street, all I could think was "Yeah whatever - a kid could do that, why should I be proud!"
I will try not to be so hard on myself and "reward myself" as you said. I will go out today, but I will try it the way you mentioned

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open the door for 2 seconds, build it up, 5 sec, 10, 1 min etc building up your confidence, and lowering anxiety, next move onto standing outside.

and I'm going to try really hard to praise myself. Knowing that I'm not alone with my fear makes it so much easier, if you know what I mean.
Thank you so much darkskies and no worries if you don't get back to me right away.

hi again,
i think i'm probably analytical too. i just re-read what i wrote previously and didn't mean it to sound so forceful. sorry. i got a bit carried away with typing! i remember when i felt almost paranoid with the fear of him being near. i didn't always realise i was doing it either, i couldn't see that he wouldn't be there, when people rationalised it i could maybe see a little what they meant but inside i would be thinking that i know they were wrong, my belief and fear that he was near kinda over-ruled what anyone else said, they just didn't seem to get where i was coming from. i don't think anyone can really understand how horrific it feels being in that kind of fear unless they've experienced it for themselves, like many here have. i don't know how to stop feeling that intensity, but for me, gradually it improved and became less. i didn't feel the benefit of repeated little trips outside for months and found it easy to get disapointed and frustrated at my lack of progress. i'm only now seeing that my negativity and need to hate myself doesn't help, but like the fear thing your going through now, i can't stop myself from feeling it. oh well, try we must, and give ourselves a break.

Hey darkskies,
Sorry I didn't post earlier. There is so much going on and I have been trying to write in the trauma diary as well as get to the postings but I'm having trouble doing both. I sat here for almost four hours yesterday, just trying to put thoughts in my diary and by the time I was done, I was way too worked up to do anything.
Anyway, no need for apologies. I was not offended at all, only agreeing with you.