Hi,

I'm a twenty-seven year old male, presently unemployed and living with my parents. I have no friends--haven't had any in seven years--and I have never had a relationship, though not from lack of desire or opportunity. These are the sort of things you don't tell people, especially when you're introducing yourself, but I expect many of you will be able to relate, if not to the exact circumstances, then at least to the emotional and psychological problems that have prevented me from living a "normal" life.

I recently was diagnosed with PTSD, but I have suffered from the condition all of my life. As a very young child, I had the misfortune to experience inconceivable horror in the form of mind-rending nightmares, some of which were so overwhelming that I would wake hallucinating or enter trance states. Of course, the nightmares were the reflection or reliving, in symbolic form, of things too terrible to remember. As I grew up I became, through no choice of my own, two-dimensional, a mask, living on the surface of myself, everyday wrapping the real me--that sick, aborted creature sobbing in the dark--in chains. Now I feel very little and have lost any connection I once had to my emotional core. For me, life is dull and flavorless.

I have born this burden all of my life and, except for very rare glimpses of freedom (accompanied by unspeakable joy and feelings of eucatastrophe), I have known little else. Two years ago I decided that I could bear it no longer and began therapy. I have since gone through three counsillors; the first was able to help me but he left after only a few session; the one I'm seeing now, and have been seeing for the past eight months, is useless. I do not have access to any other therapists. I begin to despair.

Thank you.

Hi Delita, I'm Cass,
Glad you've gotten here.
Where abouts are you from? I'm an aussie in townsville.

Hi Delita,

You've defanatly come to the right place here, you can talk and read with people who can totaly relate. You sound like you have almost a carbon copy of my life. Like you say exept for a few circumstances.

Thats the trouble with thing you want so much to be part of the world but it's like there is a force of nature not letting you in.

Anyway rant rave say what ever feel comfy saying:)

Hi Delita,

Welcome to the forum and glad you found us. I must say, what do you have apart from PTSD to be having nightmares your entire life? Are the nightmares from a traumatic incident that happened to you at a young age, ie. abuse, or is this another illness that has stemmed PTSD as a result later in life?

Hi Delita,

Welcome to the forum.

Hi everyone. Thanks for the welcome.

I'm from Canuckland, planted at the moment in the "big red mud" where I was born.

I'm sorry to hear that, for your sake, though there is some comfort in knowing that there are others who have a keen, personal understanding of that unnameable and incommunicable prison which is more real to me than anything else in my lifeless state.

I'm quite sure that they are the spawn of abuse from secondary, if not primary, caregivers. This core trauma occured when I was around two so retrieving the memories is no easy task. I have seen my path and know that it lies through the horror of my nightmares. All that's needed is insane courage and tenacity, and someone to hold my hand while I lie there on the floor retching up my soul. Unfortunately, life and seeking help has taught me that there are few who possess the psychological and emotional capacity necessary to lead me to where I need to go without sending me into a suicidal, lunatic fit of murderous rage. :)

I tried writing a short story once in an attempt to capture and express the traumatic experience of these nightmares. It was intended to be a narritive that threaded together a composite of my nightmares, some recent, some very old. Here is the first that I remember, and the beginning of the story:

Fun times.

I do'nt have the severe nightmares to much but I know what it's like to go through adolecance with ptsd and not knowing what's wrong only knowing it's not the way it should be.

Ah the big red mud . Only a canuk would get that:)

The problem I see with a narritive is that your writing in a third person, which means your not actively processing the trauma for yourself, and still placing a void of space between you and the person written about. Effective for some strategies, not so effective for trauma and PTSD.

The hard hitting facts for you to deal with your trauma, is that you need to face it head on. You must be ready to do this, which means instead of thinking about the consequences being suicidal, lunatic fit or murderous rage, you need to begin processing how to deal with the side effects of healing, because there is no easy way around this.

No person can lead you to healing, only you can heal yourself. Others can provide you the information and support, but nothing we say or do can actually heal you, that is 100% your responsibility. If you are looking for the magical answer to healing, there isn't one, because what works for one, may not work for another, thus the sufferer must be prepared to learn and adapt what works for them.

Yes, when you begin tackling your trauma head on, you are going to get worse before getting better, no doubt about it. Anyone who tells you differently is full of shit. You are going to need to break, you are going to need to push yourself past every painful aspect and thought to stop, and continue through the process.

You must be ready to heal, and be prepared to face the aftermath that healing causes. Nobody can lead you to where you need to go, only you can do that for yourself. Big difference. You are looking for someone to blame if it all goes wrong, where in fact we need to shift that thinking and take responsibility for ourselves, and our own healing.

Most of what you need to face is about acceptance. You need to accept that your going to fall over when you begin healing, you need to accept that your going to feel pain, you need to accept that you have to relive your past to move past it, you must accept that healing is 100% in your control and nobody else has control over it.

To heal you need safety, security and supportive ears. Safety and security is the environment you live. If you have a partner, they need to be ready to catch you when you fall. Yes, you may end up in the hospital, you may not, but you must accept the possibility and do what needs to be done in order to heal yourself. You need an environment you feel safe in order to curl up within for a week, two or month after each healing session. You need to force yourself out of these symptomatic ruts and push yourself beyond every mental and physical limitation you believe you have. When the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts kick in when healing, you must force yourself up, into the shower, go for a walk, go chat with friends or visit family, have your partner there to help you, etc etc etc...

Remember Delita, nobody can heal you except you, and that you must be mentally prepared for when you begin.

Hi Delita!

Nice to meet you and welcome to the forum!

Bec

Thanks for the responses. Sorry for taking so long to post.

You're right, of course. My problem is that I don't have this:
and I don't know how to get it. My emotional needs are immense. I do not think I have ever trusted anyone.