....When my heart is deeply involved in something, it's hard to let up.

....I much prefer positive attention to negative attention. Attention in and of itself, is neither good nor bad, simply is. We all need some attention in the course of our day.

....Where there is hope, I'm fired up, where there is hopelessness, I shrivel.

....That ugly, shaming voice of Judgement and 'Guilt tripping' does not flow forth from everyone in this world. In my case, it has simply become lodged and stuck, taking up full residence and control within my mind. It speaks nothing of realism and eveything of re-living the trauma. For me permitting this if, and when, I have choices, gives the thumbs up and allows my abusers and the trauma to have it's way with me. And, with PTSD this means to my bitter end. My days and end may not have to be bitter, and I may not have to provoke this end to come sooner.

....I've tended to in my life apply wishful thinking, minimize or fantasize about much. I've talked myself into something, ie. a responsibility, challenge or process only to turn around and talk myself back out again when the going has gotten real tough. Well, my willingness, this exposure trauma process (bringing my trauma to the light of day) and all the forum exposure feels like it's getting pretty tough. And I'm apt to look and fearfully anticipate that this is only a beginning and going to require much greater pain. Someone said it here on this forum: "Long term gain for short term pain." My habit of starting and quitting other things has caused failure in my past. That way, (my way) has got to end here and now, as despite what's up ahead, I'm just going to have to trust my family and I will get through because the alternative (my uncontrolled PTSD) has got to be far worse with longer lasting consquences than our work, in the here and now, freely offered and supported. Despite how painful it gets just hoping something greater will give me the strength demanded to keep pushing forward.

I discovered I am not a totally beaten down victim. There is a strength in me that I did not know I had. I have come to see all my strength was being sucked up in trying to control this. Now I see it takes even more strength to start to let it go and out of me. And because of that I see I am not requiring as much effort as my first step now. The load gets lighter, I get closer to finding out who I really am, not what society and assailants have made me believe I was.

i've just discovered that i'm still trying to keep things "put away" in that box. kind of thought that was the whole point, to get everything cleaned up and put away again, i don't know how, but i know i have to get it out of the box and get rid of it, somehow. i think i thought "healing" was "dealing".

I have learnt, that no matter how much I improve my own PTSD, that I can continue to improve it, change current trends from newer learning and knowledge, adapt various techniques to myself at once to treat one symptom, to constantly improve my self analysis capabilities. The best thing I have learnt though, is to just be me, to the best of my abilities.

I have learned that there is no magic pill that will make things better (dam it).

That I will have to deal with it head on and not hide from it anymore but take control of it not the other way around.

That I do have a right to have a life and feelings.

That I am not the ownley one in the world to have these feelings

I've learned that it doesn't make me weak to have to take meds. (Big one for me!!)

I've learned that I haven't lost 'me'. That even with PTSD I'm still myself-only with new adjustments to get used to.

Perfection is not required.

I've learned that some of the people you thought would be the first ones to help you and stand up for you are the first ones to turn their backs on you.

I'm very new to this board, but the one thing I've learned that has given me a lot of hope is that I'm not alone in this. Feeling bad AND feeling like you're the only one in the world that feels like this just plain sucks!

I have learned that I am not the only one feeling the way I feel!

I have learned that it IS possible to trust again, even if it's with faceless people I have never seen (like you guys!).

I have learned that my reactions are normal for what I went through and what I am still experiencing.

I have learned that I have a long way to go...and that you guys will be here for me! (THANKS!)

I've learned that having PTSD can make me stronger.

I've learned that there are friends that I can trust that I've never met.

I've learned that even thought I may be having a bad day, there is someone else on this board that is having a good day, and THAT is worth celebrating.

I have learned that to deal with ptsd, you have to face it and not deny/avoid it - there is no quick fix.

I have learned that i'm not alone, others feel and think like i do, and those feelings/thoughts i thought were nerotic me, are actully quite typical and normal.

I am learning that it is ok to accept help, and that by receiving it doesn't reflect a weakness in me.

Acceptance/ptsd isn't final, it's the beginning of a continuous journey. Experiencing the ugly backtracking stops along with the beautiful sunshine stops makes the scenic route challenging but ultimately can reveal happier shores.