I just got off the phone with a guy friend of mine that 2 weeks ago I trusted with everything. I would have even trusted him with my life. And I still do. But it's hard.

I am able to handle my ptsd well if I have something to base stability on. But 2 weeks ago, my family completely fell apart, which means the only stability I had went away. So, of course, I've gotten worse. Which means I barely communicate to the people I know and care about. This hurts them because they now think I don't want them around and I do. I want them around a lot, but it doesn't matter how much I want them around because ptsd has taken control of me.

I want to talk to this friend, but everytime I think of even having a conversation I either tense up or cry. And when I do get myself there to talk I keep thinking, why should anyone care? and just completely forget about it. But me not being myself has put a lot of strain on all of my friendships.. especially this one. And this one was one of the important ones I had.

I'm just pushing people away farther and farther without even thinking about what I'm doing. I want this to stop and I want things to return to the way they used to be. I want to be in control again, but I've lost it and I don't know how to get it back.

I just wish there was some way I could talk to him (which is the hardest part) and tell him something about whats going on. The longer I don't tell anyone, the more gets built up inside. I mean, I should be wearing a label now that says "warning: contents under pressure"

Ok, I just really needed to rant but I also would like to know if there's anything I could do. Anything at all would be helpful.

A friend told me that when I have a hard time telling someone something because I get emotional or tongue-tied when I try to say it face-to-face to write it down in a letter. You do that and give it to your friend with the instructions to read it when you're not there or mail it to him. That way you're not stresssing out while he reads it.

I have the contradictory feelings of wanting to be close to the people I care about and then I just want to be left the hell alone. And when these feelings come about 30 second apart it's harder still. Shoot, there's sometimes I can't even stand to be in the same room with myself. When I'm home and I feel like pushing my family away I just make an annoucement that I need some alone time and take a bubble bath or just hide in my room and read.

It's just one more thing to add to my 'Working on It' list. That damn thing keeps growing! LOL

I agree with Marlene. When it's hard to talk with an emotional lump in your throat, write it down and SEND it. My hubby has kept every letter that I have ever written him. For some reason, being able to read it as many times as he likes makes the letters more special than conversation.

I'm going to try to talk once more.. if I can't I hope I can just hug him and I'll write a letter as back up to give to him the next time I see him.

I realized that he's hurting because he's seeing me go through this and the way I'm acting isn't me. For instance, he tried to hug me and I backed away. I guess that's why I feel so awkward talking to him because I feel like a complete idiot because of that. I think he thinks he's done something but it's hurting me more to see him hurt bc of me.

Just sometimes, in letters you can't expect them to aknowledge it.

mum didn't when I left her a note telling her why i was so damned screwed up. I ought to pluck up the courage and actually talk to her.

Me, courage?

Hell no.

It's been a while and I thought I would update on this situation. When the last part of the subject was added, it made me sit back and really evaluate my situation and the way I've been handling it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that that is what was happening. So, I decided to change that. I didn't want to be that.
I have been around people every night this week. Instead of pushing them away, I'm pulling them closer and I can't say that I remember a time when I have felt this good lately.
My closest friends have told me that they are glad "to have me back". I'm glad to be back. I have even started a new friendship while pulling my other friends closer than before.
No it isn't easy. I have ptsd and all but one of them don't. I have accepted that those who don't have it won't understand it unless they develop it and it would be wrong on my part to ask them to understand it to that extent. But I can allow them to be there and even though it's hard to do that because I fear getting hurt, it's actually the best thing I can do for myself right now.

I am sorry coming in so late, you know when we hit our own bottoms it is hard to help others or give personal experience.

First if you trust him with your life that is your bud. I say go for it. I mean you have to go through some serious shit with one to be that close. Only one bud I am like that with through all (cough cough) 4 marriages. We had always swore if we ended up divorced again we would marry. Just because we know each other that well and inside out. Not a sex thing mind you at all. He has this shit too, the life of PTSD.

When I broke down with him and he pulled me up when I "knew" I would lose him it made me OK. Now mind you a casual friend or not a long term... may not be the same. He was in his ealy 20's and me in my late teens as fiends until now. Now he is grandpa!!! Love to give him shit as he got there first.

Other "friends", you may soon learn it is a short list. That is just how it is with people who don't know and it has a stigma.

But agoraphobia. Stop it in it's tracks now if possible, fight it like mother f*er and a half! I have it to the extreme. It is horrible. I used to be able after moving from the city to the sticks to enjoy my fields and farm, to now I can't even do that. It gets harder and harder. You think of the crazy ol' lady with all the cats locked in her home? That is where you will be. Like me. God when I made cracks like that younger I never thought it would really happen to me, and back then I thought it was funny. I force my self out to eat I am sick in bed for almost a week. You dont want to be like this.

I used to love my baby gosling (goose) think I was mom and follow me all over the house and around the yards and to the mail box. I cannot leave my porch without panic now. Fight that beast. I cannot tell you enough to snip it in the bud any way you can.

You are doing great getting out, keep it up!