It makes perfect sense marlene...

Hope,

You should see it from my perspective. I am still military as was Anthony. He is very much like your husband in that aspect, but its worse when you are another military person because Anthony sure has no latitude there. I think in the initial stages of dealing with his PTSD it was easier for him to deal with me in this manner, because it was familiar to both of us. Used to really upset me though because I can switch off the military minded stuff easier (I guess because I don't have PTSD). I could never get my head around why he just couldn't get it.......I am your wife NOT one of your soldiers!! I am a girl and girls do cry, at home, with their husbands. It was really hard when I was on overseas deployment, he was a mess at home, I was a mess away and he just couldn't support me in any way. His attitude was, your a soldier, your on deployment, get over it and get on with it. My attitude was, you are my fiance and I am supposed to be able to expect support from you.

Now that he is out of the military its better but not perfect. If I get into a stressful personal situation and he is not up to being supportive, he just expects me to 'get on with it'. That can be really hard to take. Take for instance the birth of our first child, I had a rough time of it and if you asked him to this day I would expect him to say that I could have been emotionally tougher!! I've never asked because I am likely to give him a black eye.

I'm calling you out on this one. You are not yet past your military 'pride' better but not past it!! I know, I live with you!

Boy, ya'll wouldn't believe how good it is to read this thread...I thought I was really crazy for so long, because I couldn't feel anything. I used to be incredibly empathic, i.e. could look a person in the eye and feel whatever they were feeling right along with them. But that was before my time of hell on earth. During it, I unconciously learned how to not feel emotions in order to stay sane, and it started coming through in my dreams...I would kill evil people and not feel anything. That scared me really bad, because I was always very emotional. Now, I still have trouble feeling, but I'm trying to bring some of it back. I do have to be careful though, because my dreams were so lifelike at that time (more reality there than when I was awake) that I have unknowingly mentally trained myself to seriously hurt, maybe even kill without feeling. I always have a hand on my temper, and have found ways to let some of it out w/out hurting others, but I still don't always trust myself to be able to hold back my fist.

What's really weird, though, is that I will exibit the physical responses to emotions, but I won't actually feel them. I can laugh at something funny but not feel the emotion that would cause such a response. Am I loony?

In any case, emotions are still a sticky subject for me, but progress is happening and I can't wait to be able to feel happy outside the sparring ring.

Just found this.....didn't realize you had posted here. Yes, hear you! Kerrie-Ann, you are his wife and not one of his soldiers. I know exactly what you mean. I too, like the idea of being able to cry at home with my husband. Though in my case, I must accept that this generally agitates him, and he seems to get afraid and may even feel inadequate. Why? I don't have any idea, and yet occassionally he surprises me. Just don't get it! If only he understood just how absolutely simple it is to show me support, even calm my tears or allow them to pass. You understand, when and if my husband takes the initiative and wraps his arms around me, sits beside me, looks at me, and really listens, he doesn't have to say or do anything else, I just melt. Feel all warm all over, feel his love. Everything makes sense and the tears come out, some words spoken about how I'm feeling and...Zip!....it all passes very quickly. It only lingers on and on when the communication is: 'I can't be bothered,' 'I'm not listening, nor care to deal with your feelings right now,' 'I'm too busy for you,' 'get over it,' 'get on with it' and 'can't you see you're seriously cramping my style.' These things f'n hurt. And, they hurt the average person very deeply. Someone like me, with PTSD and largely due to some chronic, serious f'n indifference. This sh*t feels, like torment. I won't go into why, because I'm liable to write several more paragraphs. Just trust me it has too much power over me at this stage. And why all of this, when it's so damn easy. Messages of indifference can be really, really hard to take. It hurts. Whether it's us to our husbands, our husband toward us or even us communicating this to our kids. Everyone hurts! And since none of us are perfect, nor never will be, all we'all can do is seek and look for improvement within ourselves....and then usually in most marriages, we grow, sometimes slowly...but none-the-less closer over time. And, I find my biggest influence and strength is when I'm willing to accept everything, (naturally within reason), just the way it is and work from the inside out.

....And, though I'm Again a newcomer to the acceptance of my PTSD, I had been working in the direction of it's healing, for about 2 yrs., prior to 1997, as well as, surrounded with simple principles of recovery, eversince, and always doing my best to apply them. What I've found though is that for nearly the last decade, I've been 'hacking away at the branches, and denying and missing it's roots.' ....this last parag. is off the subject, just found it spilling out....so I'll go with it.

Eagle, your not loony. Emotions take time, they take a lot of hard work, but it comes together. Stick with it... as you find yourself, you find emotions.