jaonna, i'm here too. come on, let us know how to help.

I'm here too.

right now I don't think there is an way of helping besides just listenening. Have slept most of yesterday and might yet today. If I am out of line feel free to fire away. The story is long and complicated. My own PTSD gets in the way too much. Those I protect and the people I try to protect self from. Leaves me so alone and I do apprecieciate anyone who cares to here truth.
Yes head is still wacky. Doc was suposed to call me at home yesterday and did not. Work is supportive at moment as I was main union sewarrd for most seventy three in my department. As well as back up steward for rest of plant. I hate that I can not be their to defend their cases right now. So used to defending all else yet no support or defense for me, ever. Not quite suse how to ask or accept help for self. Guess I am doing that here.

Joanna, if your going to post a topic, then you need to provide some information. I know and understand your hurting, but honestly Joanna, lets get serious here and stop stuffing about. The traits your displaying are exactly inline with borderline personality disorder, being help me, but I won't let you. Don't get me wrong, I am not mad or upset at you Joanna, I am just too the point though. You are writing posts to call people in, then you say nothing, you want attention, but then won't talk about anything in substance.

If you want my help Joanna, and that of members here, stop stuffing about with people here, because that is exactly what your doing. We are here to help you Joanna, but you won't let us. So instead, what your doing is creating posts to gain attention, then once you got it, grabbing it but doing no work on your behalf.

Joanna, people here have time to give towards supporting and helping you, otherwise they wouldn't respond, but your not doing yourself any favours IMHO towards members here by stuffing them about by calling them in, then doing nothing to help yourself. If you want help Joanna, then help yourself. If you don't, then I am simply going to continue combining all your threads of attention into one, because no outcome is resolving from any of them.

Again Joanna, don't take me the wrong way, I am not upset or angry at you, far from it, but I am straight to the point with people in regard to what goes on here upon this forum. I already know what can be detrimental to other members of this forum, because if I feel something, others will also.

I am not sure how you can help. Hubs taking off on me all the time. When this guy not friend of minethat was visiting here and insulted me by accusing me of being a slut while hubs drove home nother friend and did not come back for hours. When he did get home everyone had left. Hubs proceeded to shove the case of beer into my room under my feet. I snapped feelings of no self esteem in that I was off work so soon again, one friend calling me lyer, another slut, the case of beer shoved under my feet was the last staw. I drank it out of spite for hubs, taking off again three days this time. Took taxi to town and drank another case yesterday. No food to boot while drinking.
I really screwed up as I trully have been trying hard to not binge or drink at all since my car accident and being on the paxils.
Hoping mental heath clinic can help with battle of the binge as well. If its means going to detox than I will go.
I am ashamed of my behaviour and I really would not blame anyone for kicking my ass right now. I apoligise to anyone I upset in my drunken stupor.
Thanks for tuning me in Anthony will try hard to get back on track, and work on healing the PTSD and improving my emotional state.

My doctor called me today. Hubs sent her fax from work about my binge. She wants me to discuss with her this issue. Have made appointment for next Wednesday. Told her I had made appointment with the mental health clinic for both alcohol and PTSD and still really depressed. I really can't think in depth about my issues with this as have been so confused, memory is coming back but still having problems with the short term stuff and concentration.
Anthony asked me to make a timeline. Will try to focus on that and stay away from the beer.

Joanna, you know the questions, you know the solutions, so it is only you who can do anything about this. Alcohol is not an effective means to treat lifes stressors. You know it, and so do I, that you need to get the alcohol under control ASAP so that your thinking clearly. You need to talk about the actual issues, not attempt to drown them out with alcohol.

Joanna, only you can do this, nobody can physically force you.

Joanna, you know your drinking and what you're dealing with is somewhat familiar to me. Different circumstances, different life, but the same in many ways. To begin with we’re both women. Dur! Then when we drink, we seem to drink a lot. I never could accurately determine when and if this time I had control of my drinking or not. If I’m wrong and you can control you desires for drink, then Joanne why don’t you just set it and forget it for now, and immerse yourself in the many responsibilities surrounding your plan of treatment for PTSD. If you can’t however, control your drinking, whatever the very real reasons many can’t, then why don’t you start now and face this and go to any and all lengths to not drink. (Despite all exacerbating conditions). Even if it’s just for the time being. I know all this is easier said than done, but it can be a PTSD challenge, like the thread you began recently and I haven't yet had a chance to participate in.

I know if I drink alcohol the results of a binge nearly destroys Me. I drink and there it is, instantly All PTSD symptoms, Alive & Well, all on overdrive, heightened to the MAX and smack in my face and that of everyone else in my life. I no longer have any ability whatsoever to think or see straight and I lose my ability to help myself and gain only my ability to destruct. And then, if anyone grows frustrated with me, I won’t tolerate that and I’m off and on a horrific downward spiral of destruction.

At 21 yrs. of age I desperately wanted help, I wanted a full, instant recovery that I might live. I lived in fantasy and just wanted someone to walk up to me, see and know my horrific sufferings and hand me over a life. It never, never, never, came to pass. I need to be looking out for me, and learning how to be my own best allie, because I never found anyone to rescue me from me and spare me the consistent and damb hard work ahead. I’ve searched hi and low. Even professionals don’t do this. And, it’s a f#$%^&* lonely process on many occasions too.

When I, 1st sought help, and for a long time after: Family support, None. Friends left, None. Money, None. Home, None. Car, None. Proper insurance, None. Hope, None. Detoxes would detox me and I get drunk all over again. Alcohol / substance abuse programs would try to help only to discover I was too sick and tell me, I had to first treat my other conditions, ie. (eating disorder, ect.). The eating disorder unit told me we can’t help you because you’re insurance isn’t good enough and you say you have a drinking problem which 1st needs to be addressed. 12 step program and fellowship could help, but only with a heavy price attached as I was niave, felt helpless, full of denial and/or oblivious with my suffering with undiagnosed and untreated PTSD. I was an attractive young lady (loner) who may as well had the words vulnerable, niave and prey written across me. And so on an so on until I cont. on binges, inevitably was left used and abused, homeless and living out of my car (insane, unbelievable shit for me, out of this world and certainly not fitting and suited for me). I reached the point of craving the courage to set me and my car ablaze. Contemplated that this would be my way out and my last very angry f'n statement toward others.

Joanne, truly don’t know if my experience will help you one damb bit. Do know though that we care and I think I’ll risk getting you angry with me, because you’re worth it. I hope you know as well as I do that any jealousy, attacks, rude and/or lying comments, is the other guys/gals bullshit. You’ve found a forum that encourages major growth, changes and healing from our trauma and life-long results. Naturally this is going to threaten and piss others off. You’ve found some hope, go with it Joanne. When you commit yourself to healing, others, who may have been oppressive of you may be shaken and frightened for their own selfish reasons.

Thinking of you Joanne.

I am not angry with you at all Hope. In fact I agree with you 100%.
My binging grew since my first PTSD bout at Thirty two. It started with a mickey when I was PMSing and trying to cope with being single, on welfare, working two part time jobs and running a custom leather work business out of my home. Two so called girlfriends started talking me into going to bars with them where it ony took four beers to get me smashed enough to swooble home(After I was off the meds) Then my oldest pulled moving out with dad screw you. I started going to the bars more. Then I met my new hubs playing pool on the pool league. Even after I moved in with him I would sneek binge when he was on minights or afternoons.
My hubs childhood girlfriend was in trouble and needed a place to live with her kids. It was too much as after she moved in she kept ditching her very troubled kids on me and hubby would walk out cause he couldn't handle it.
We had the barn and farm but had not started building our house yet.
Often the kids ran the house till 11:00 at night as we were bottle feeding goats. Her kids and mine fought constantly while they were there.
The daughter was real trouble maker and kept bringing her friends home and would try to drive my boys out. They would say things like can't you make them go away, we don't like them. They can't be in the same room at the same time as us. They played lot of really dirty young teen tricks on my boys when we were not home.
Bingeing increased, one night I was home my oldest had come home to stay for a couple of months and had to sleep on the couch, this really pissed the girls off. My oldest had been babysitter to 7yr old across road and kept letting her come over as he feared for her from her father(father) was a perv
This really ticked the girls off and I heard one say I know how to get rid of him as she went up the stairs. Sure enough two days later they accused son of sexually abusing this young girl. We knew it was a crock of shit but hubs didn't get along with son and backed his friend and god children more than me and mine. (I forgive him for this as we had only been together about a year.) Never the less we both sets parents questioned the kids and found not enough truth in the stories which changed 100% in 3 days about 3 times and father said no was not pressing charges. Next week he was on the run with daughter, girls mother moved out with her kids and hubby panicked and said he had to sell the house right away even though we had not started building our new home yet.
Moved into apartment (slum) temporarily with promise it would only be 6 months. While there hubs stayed mostly at barn in moterhome, many fights
and more binging when I was alone. Ended up there two years going downhill all the way. Majorly depressed at the time as mother was dying, in last six weeks there maybe two months (little fuzzy in the final year) Mother died and we get call from Sudbury that children aid pressing sex assault charges on son. PSTD relapse no 2. Also blew left arm out in work related injury and had no use of left arm for about eight months at the time.
Hubs still doing his hide in the barn routine. Binge pattern set at he takes off
I bringe to get back at him.
That and depression I let kids go lifve with dad, small town rumors about son and these girls that hated son o much more that happy to put him in jail.

That's what really set the pattern for my binging and depression and return of PTSD. That's two years ago now. Spent a winter living in moterhome with hubs as wanted to invest in building our home here. Started building around Aug 2005. Good till January everything happy and optimistic. Then hubs asthma hit during drywalling and they found skin cancer on his face.
He was putting all his stress on me and treating me worse and worse, every time he treated me bad I would binge out of spite as he is old school that women are not to drink period.
July 2006 had party on farm and his freeloading friend would not go away or stop hitting on me. I kept asking hubs to get rid of this guy but hubs said no as they had many money deals between them again fight, binge, fight, binge,
Finally this guy molested me in the house while I was sleeping on couch. Hubs was less than 10 ft away outside front door. It took me about a week to get the courage to tell hubs what this guy had done. After I did It didn't sink into to hubs right away and I was starting to go into PTSD relapse over it. I don't think he believed me at the time I came home and found hubs sitting having a beer with a**h***.
Thats when I really snapped and started locking doors 24-7, this idiot kept coming back anyway and I couldn't take it,
I called my ex to help me kick him out. All hell broke loose cause my ex came here, hubs was freaking so ex kickedhi out for 24 to calm down.
hubs sister showed up to try to kick me out on hubs behalf. That didn't work out well for her either.
Then son' court case I only went to doctors one week before as I knew I couldn't handle hereing the sex details from the prosecution against my son.
Went for closing arguments and sentancing. Many fights with hubs, fight/binge hubs leaves three days, fight/binge hubs leaves three days.
Around September and into Oct at this point.
Med side effects extream, missing kids, hubs abandoning me, one five beer binge on meds. fight I leave under med/stress memory lapse thinking I had had only one beer. Gapped out driving smashed into truck which hit nother car which touched other cars bumper, Hauled away in cuffs with MADD t-shirt
on.
Didn't drink again till weekend before this past weekend.
Was called lyer, drunk, slut, and hubs came home and pushed a 24 under my feet. :angry-fla So I did give up at that moment and did I ever binge, drank the whole 24 and didn't stop there went out and got another case and drank it the next day. The start of this thread.
Swore then it would be the last time anyone pushed me to that point ever again.
Right now I am craving it as anxiety over doc's appointment tommorow, mental health clinic in one week, and court in 2 weeks for impaired, will do my best to fight it. Wish me luck
Will let you know how it turns out both ways

Joanne, Joanne...much appreciated and glad you got all of that out. I do wish you the best of luck with appt., clinic and court. Do hope you make it through this week. I use to do that, ie. that mentaility that I'll drink and I'll stick to you, and each time I compromised my health, sanity and perhaps life and yet, the person I was angry with and going to stick it to never seemed to pay or suffer the way I hoped they would. Well, hang in there and for crying out loud, Eat something Healthy. Best to you, Joanne.