Earlier this afternoon my oldest daughter called me at work to complain that she had cramps (PMS) and that her back hurts (she stands on her feet all day at work). She then asked me if I thought it was serious because she didn't feel like dying at the cash register. While I knew that she was joking, I still felt an instant spike in my anxiety, my heart rate went up and it took me a couple of hours to get myself settled down.

When I got home this evening, I took her to the side and, without making a big deal out of it, told her that even when she jokes about things like that that it's one of my triggers and it causes me emotional pain. I also asked her to refrain from saying things like that around me. I figured if I spoke to her in a calm, rational, adult way that there wouldn't be a problem.

My lovely, loving daughter proceeds to tell me that, while she knows what happened in the past is affecting me now, she will not change the way she speaks or acts for anybody. Myself included. It felt like 'Yeah mom-I know it hurts you when I say things like that...but tough shit on you.'

Blown away doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I honestly can't put words to the emotions that are swirling around my head right now. There's just too many right now to sort out. Although one does stand out...she's working on finding an apartment with a friend-and I'll be glad when she moves out. If that makes me the worst mother in the world...so be it. Tonight I really don't f*cking care.

Marlene,

If that makes a mother the "worst" in the world, then almost all moms are in trouble... It's a normal, natural reaction. Why do you think momma birds push their young out of the nest?:tongue:

Perhaps the next time she wants something from you (money, clothes, shoes, food, etc.) you can remind her of her words. Heck, even throw it back at her...."gee, I know you're really hungry and you want me to fix you dinner, but since you're not going to change for anyone, myself included, you can fix your own dinner"...change it to fit the situation. Perhaps then she'll realize just how hurtful her words were to you.:cool:

And remember...mother nature has a way of getting back at the "ungrates", i.e. the ungrateful ones...she gives them kids that are just like them! Then you can sit back and laugh...

Marlene, How old is this daughter? Do you know if she feels she has any justfied anger toward you? In some instances when you tell someone that what they're saying or doing is a trigger and causes you emotional pain, or even ask them not to do it again, they'll think defiantly and make sure they do it again. This makes absolutely no sense to me as I always liked the idea of working relationships with others, and an angry or defiant attitude certainly postpones this from happening.

Most would think that what you did Marlene by taking her to the side and talking with her, would be enough and well received. She may be thinking like many in society do, 'Me first.' She probably wants you to either ignore or take your reality elsewhere and focus on her. Just remember Marlene, she didn't actually say tough shit to you, even though I understand it certainly felt that way. She may be trying to say something else entirely. Some people simply don't say what they mean, and mean what they say. My husbands great for this, and boy can it ever make my life fu*#ing difficult and exasperate the sh#* out of me.

Also, the emotions swirling around in your head, may have more to do with original hurts, ie. some of those first people who may have communicated to you that they weren't going to change or act differently to please you, or those orig. past times when you were hurt because you were basically told tough sh#*. There's that chance that someone other than your daughter is the one you could really, really be pissed off and need to discuss. And, perhaps afterwards, your daughter's words could be considered nothing more than a selfish slight. Marlene, you've also let us know that your now quite pissed off, Understandably So!

Keep in mind I'm just trying to be helpful so if none this helps please just disregard it. Hope whatever you do, you get through this hurt. Best to you.

Marlene,

Must be a moment for older children to give their mums grief. You have to love them but I think that there wouldn't be a mother alive who didn't feel like strangling their 'darlings' at some stage. Maybe it will be good for her to move out and get a good dose of adult reality. She might just appreciate what she has!!

If its any consolation Anthony's teenager has a tendency to be in his own thoughtless bubble and forget that there are also things that will upset his Dad. Like being told at the last moment he needs to go somewhere in peak hour traffic. I could strangle him for it sometimes because he is gone and then Anthony comes home all wound up........who cops it then!!

I'll go with what Kim said... that cracks me up, but so appropriate at the same time.

I woke up this morning with my emotions pretty much down to one-disgust. I'm so dammed disgusted with her right now that I hope she's gone 'doing her thing' all weekend.

Hope, you asked how old she is...she'll be 19 in a few months. Old enough to know you don't deliberately slap someone down. Especially when that person is already hurting. I figured once she got out of high school that she'd stop being so self-centered and 'the world revolves around me' attitude. Guess I figured wrong. I want her to move out and get a cold splash of reality.

And yes, Kerrie-Ann, I could have very easily strangled my little darling last night. BTW-thoughtless bubble is definately where she lives, too.

Hmmm....guess I was wrong about being down to one emotion. We'll have to make it two because I'm still pissed off.

Kim-I've already given her the mother's curse a long time ago. Hopefully once in place, it sticks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Marlene, don't forget...it's all about power. Her power to piss you off. Her power to be her own person. Her power to only think and care about herself.

Once she has kids of her own, all that power will most likely cease. After all, kids have a way of taking that power from us...

Keep your chin up, Marlene. She's old enough to be considered an adult and as such, you are not legally obligated to provide anything for her. <wink> If she continues with this attitude, you may want to remind her of that...

Wow. She's pretty old to be acting like that. When I was 19 I was already working full time, taking university classes, helping to care for the house and my little brother, and paying my dad rent. I would have gotten booted out at 16 I'm sure, if I talked that way to my father or his girlfriend.

Anyways that really sucks and I'd be disgusted too. It's bad enough to have acquaintances be insensitive, but a close family member would be a lot worse. I also hope she gets her come-uppance.

I know that everything we do in life (good and bad) has consequences and comes back to you. I don't think that she's figured this out yet. One day she will. One day she'll realize what a shit she's been. She's so busy running around telling everyone that she's an adult and doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, that she's forgotten to be a decent human being. I'm hoping some maturity will cure this case of cranial rectumitis she has.

Kim, I think you're right...it's another power play by her. I figure if I just ignore her long enough, she'll get the point. We've (daddy and I) have also made it very clear that if she's unhappy here, the door is in ----> that direction.

And thanks to all for letting me vent. It's better all around for the whole household than me going off like ten mad bitches. LOL

I like what Kim said about birds get pushed out of the nest.

I really think God makes them so adorable to start with so you just love them so much you can't bean them on their heads as they grow. He then turns them into teens so when it is time to leave the nest you have no problem helping them go... If mine had not bailed on me to her dad's this week I know when she hit 19 I would probably not be able to pack her shit fast enough for her!