nope on my hard drive of the puter... On one hand I say delete, on the other I say damn I was young and hot once upon a time... so at a draw. As far as memory it was already long gone until sent. I cannot believe those are me and I looked like that. I mean I look like a woman now, then I see why people teased me and said barbie (yes, I know worse you could be called unless you were there) But it was when PTSD had me go go go... to break and 3 hrs sleep a night.

BTW ex sent them in email... why I saw them now, he said they were long gone... I just got them.

What was the reasoning behind him sending the e-mail if I'm not being too nosy? I mean was he trying to get a rise out of you or was it more like I came across these and didn't know if you wanted them?

As for what to do with them you have to make that decision yourself. If it was me and they did nothing but bring up bad memories I would probably get rid of them. If there is some good coming out of them I would hang on to them . I guess it depends on if you want the reminder or not.

Has to do with the move... Giving me my old files I guess so I was leaving with all I used to have. He had told me they were long gone before. Him coming clean I guess.

Hold onto them as that is the case, until you have had more time to think about it.

OK, more coming clean... I got more shit sent to me. He could get in my email and deleted some he sent but sent others still. He sent things to my computer while I was here. I am at a point... how many of these shoots did I do? I was sent shit spanning over 10 years or more ago.

He found one/some I forgot about. It was through a big radio station, used to be one of the biggest in Houston. The club owner talked me into doing it... A big "beach club" where no photos allowed as it was strictly promos, but open to public (of age) 21 and up. But we did a water volley ball and did posing on the mes's club yacht. Some of the shots were just bad! But there were the ones that they went for and used (it is amazing how many are no good I see). The thing was a promo for clubs and the radio station KLOL 101 that used to be a major rock station in Houston, they have since turned Lationo pop or something like that.

I have personal photos as we were allowed to have our own people come in to shoot outside of the pros.

I hate how I basically whored my self out for those purposes... I don't think women are always exploited... You exploit yourself too. I Exploited myself. I stayed so drunk and it was life. So I was not a cheap crack whore on a corner but who in the hell says it is different? Because I could be dressed up and made up and paraded? Because the way I looked got me on big boats and I got crowds wound up and rode in limos? Because guys I saw had more money than they could ever use? WAS IT WORTH IT????? All I wanted was a normal simple life. Not a rich guy, I purposely sought out one not. Sought out simple farm life, that worked huh???

It makes me sick. My back is killing me - kidneys. But now I am "OK" I am where I am, as I chose someone who no matter how "barbiefied" I was I have aged and look normal now, I had a breakdown and a much an ass as I am and as hateful as he can be at times... I have not been dropped because I do not look like that anymore. I know rambles, confused a bit. But any one of those guys at the sign of 5 lbs and a wrinkle would run.

When I DJed and did the MC thing I remember a club promo, more a raising donations that day... Strictly mike. I was loud and getting people wound up at a biker ralley donating for a couple who were run down on their bike. Funeral costs and money for family. Of course wet tee contests...I was NOT involved and did not do that anymore... But some idiot sprayed me. I had a break down in front of 100-200 people. I had to be escorted off the stage... (Embarassing to say the least) I was taken to a home on the same property (in view of club) I was sober but had no clue what was happening. A girl trying to get me get a grip was nursing me. They called my boyfriend / ex hub. It did not look pretty as at that event I had a cruiser show up and well no one knew my guy was a cop. He had to carry me to the car and take me home. Couple days in bed barely functioning and all I had to just get up to potty.

Damn I hate this thread. So much shit you try to forget and just put behind you. I guess if that was easy I would not be here. God I felt like such a whore and still do over that crap, I will work on it.

Anthony, again thank you for dragging out my demons. I HATE IT... but I see how others I have faced and you have at times held my hand others you kicked me in the ass... You have a knack at knowing which to do when. Shit this is hard. And damn my plate is full now, but it always has been over flowing now... mission accomplished here (for now)

hugs tight.

I hate this thread too, but I think it is good to share some of the bad shit.

If only we could burn it later.

Cass, tonight/AM I could use a nice hug that does not creep me out! No one here to do that so thanks... it is needed really.

thats ok hon *hugs tighter*

I'll always give people hugs. Especially when they needem.

Thanks again because after posting what I did I feel pretty low and scummy. Thanks for that. Sometimes the best help we get is helping pick another up. And that above is a lot of why I feel so much like I do... Always been an object and still learning I am a feeling being.