Josh,
No judging here, kid or not. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us. Well done.

As tig said Josh... well said by the way tig. Shit, if this thread is about judgeing character, then you may as well write me off from just what I have posted in it already. Its not about that mate, its about ridding some of this shit from us, not about judgeing who we where. Our past contributes to who we are today, absolutely, but when we learn from our past mistakes, it often makes us a better person for making those mistakes. Those that don't learn, thats the worrysome one's, though people can change if they really want too... some do, some don't... you see lots of here who change because of our pasts, you, me... lots of us.

I haven't done any drugs in 2 years this January 5 (coming up in two weeks), but when i did drugs, i did some bad shit (I didn't rob or murder anyone); mostly theft related. When my wife died of an overdose of xanax and heroin, i left the drugs behind and never looked back (Regardless of whether her death was a suicide or an accidental OD, it woke me the F#$% up)!!

Josh

So you learned... Whole point, it is out and you learned. I never tried heroin... Never an illeagal drug person really. But Xanax is a bitch to beat I get. My latter docs pop their eyes out over my old dose.

You did what you did, I did what I did... we all fcked up, hence the thread. You got it out. Good going!

My 1st hospitilization was when I was 21 yrs. old. Don't remember whether I was anorexic / bulimic or combo of both, but I was and severely malnourished and dependent upon alcohol. But, didn't know this at the time. I couldn't cope and keep my job. My life was in shambles. I suffered enorm. anxiety attacks and depression and somewhere in this all I met a man who lived with my uncle and could have cared less about him as a friend; It was never anything more.

Anyhow it was awful how I treated him, for the brief time that I knew him. I used his friendship for car rides and so that I could borrow his car. When he suggested that I had a drinking problem, I grew enraged on two different occassions. At mother's house once he had said this and I retreived the two bottles of liquor I had in the house and somehow poured it out over his head at the kitchen sink. I pretty much remember how this came to happen but I don't want to go into detail as it A) makes me feel as if I'm some cruel monster and B) fear you'all think I was proud. In fact, not proud at all, still thouroughly ashamed, of how I treated this man. There was at least one other incident where it might be accurate to claim I behaved like a visicous animal while enraged. Years later I located his #, called him and apoligized, he had difficulty at first remembering and then once he did he easily forgave me. I still have difficulty forgiving myself for this one, when recalling it.

why am I doing this to myself and willingly posting this here? what is becoming of me? have I lost all sense? this is horrible what I did to this guy and it's all in the far past...he forgave me...and now have I really forgiven myself.

Hope, its about understanding that he forgave you, and all that awaits is for you to do the same of yourself. Our past is not a direct correlation to who we are today, in the sense that we are not that person we once where, but if we learn from our mistakes, then that means you have acknowledged already your mistakes, and thus learnt from them. If we do not experience, how do we learn? If we do not learn, then we only fail ourselves. You learnt hope... so a little self forgiveness is not that much to give yourself now... especially as he forgave you already.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to say this here, but... for the last few months, I was seriously plotting to kill my landlady. I was thinking about all these ways I could do it to make it look like an accident. Nothing happened of course. I admitted it to my uncle a while back and because of that and other reasons I have moved and she's out of my life now.

Pretty normal response if you ask me when PTSD is prevalent... I am glad you now have a low stress environment though batgirl... much needed.

batgirl, growing up I tried to figure out how to do my step dad in... I tried for so long until not long ago how to do in my ex the same way (accident). I still want him dead but now with my teen there no way. Had I ever been slick enough to figure it out and not all eyes go straight to me he would had been dead long ago. Sucks admitting we have a dark side.

Wow I guess I'm in the right place afterall. I'm always worried these things are going to shock people or make them think I'm a freak.