When I was in fifth or sixth grade, I stole a $10 roll of quarters from my dad and bought candy at the 7-11, then denied it when he confronted me.

I have lied to every member of my family about where the scars on my arms have come from, and I fully intend to keep lying about the self-harm to them because it makes me feel safer.

I dumped my boyfriend of eight years suddenly and refused to see him again because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. There's more to the story, obviously, but I could have been kinder to him in ending it.

batgirl, from the start you know you found a place you fit. But think of it this way and this thread. The more we hide secrets and hold it in the more it adds to our anxiety. The more our anxiety grows the bigger all the other symptoms grow. As uncomfortable as it is to get this out of us it is a need to heal.

I know it is good I did not come up with a way. But for me, not my ex. My ex IMO still needs to be dead (I wish him a day of full blown PTSD and symptoms), but the change is I do not try to figure out how now to do it. Had I found a way... My life would be a lot different. And not in a good way.

Remember we are all healing and this is part of it, batgirl. We all have a side we would rather not admit is there. Some go on denying it is there very contently; well, we are putting it out there and most importantly getting it out of us. I am glad you put it out there as I thought I was done putting out all my "bad shit". You got more out of me. You are helping others here too, don't forget that.

Batgirl-- no freaks here... Batgirl & Veild, I'm so glad you about what you wrote in your last entries. I thought I was the only one harboring these seriously homocidal thoughts/feelings. (Tho to my docs I deny it) My divorce was as nasty as they get. He abused me & our 2 children. Ex & I have been divorced for 11 yrs now, but I still want to kill him. Seriously. (But then I'm not the only one in this club.) Long ago I decided on a plan & it's not hard to execute (no pun intended). As much as I'd enjoy seeing him suffer, my plan is swift, quiet, & has little room for error. As added bonus, after all this time, I don't believe I'd be high on their list of suspects, as I have seemingly nothing to gain from his death-- except satisfaction. :biggrin:
I guess this makes me a really sick puppy. :cool:

I was working in Cardiovascular ICU, measuring the distance between peaks of a heartbeat w/a pair of calipers. (Kind of like a retractor, but w/needle sharp ends). A pretentious, obnoxiously arrogant colleague sat down beside me & began this "game" of "Can you top this?" Obviously, I didn't like the guy & wasn't about to engage in this useless banter serving only to build this jerk's over-inflated ego. I tolerated his one-sided conversation until I finished my task, then I said, "Harold, I bet I can do something you haven't done." He said, "What?" Then I stook the calipers into his calf (where they stayed), got up & walked away. (Everybody laughed.)

Yep, I know those feelings.. I'm still waiting for an ex to croak myself and often dream of his death (wishful thinking.) Those thoughts are pain manifesting itself because we haven't healed it. Anger masks what we really feel. I always joke with others that I smoke to reduce homicidal tendencies! LOL. I think that it's very normal for PTSD'ers and victims of abuse (without PTSD) to have these feelings and thoughts if our healing is not complete.

Bec

Bec, The thing is that I thought I'd let go of the anger. It doesn't consume my every thought as it once did. This thought/feeling is just stuffed in the back of my mind somewhere. I thought of it as an old wound that hadn't completely healed, but didn't trouble me anymore. I know it's just a fantasy; but I never thought of it in terms that it was actually my healing that was incomplete. (why would I, I never dared tell a psych)
Kim

Tell, the doc, they won't be shocked... It is perfectly normal. As long as thoughts stay thoughts no harm done. If us having a few gruesome fantasies makes us feel better, hell fanasize away. My doc pushed hard for me to try to fantasize about ANYTHING if it made me feel good.

geez, i don't think too much of it now, but when i was prob. 11-15, i used to fanasize about my parents getting killed in a car wreck or something, and that my aunt would take us in, and everything would be different. never actually planned anything, and i still feel guilty about it. just 5 or 6 yrs. ago, when my daddy had his bypass surgery, i found myself praying that if he wasn't going to change, just take him on. that was hard on me, it just seemed like it would be such a relief for eveyone. funny, though, when my mother had her surgery, i begged God to let her live, and she was much more abusive to just me. since they were ok, i don't feel llike i caused anything, but i still feel guilty for being that way. other people tell me how loving i am, but i wanted my parents gone. that's prob the only confession you'll get out of me, lol.

Well right now, I'm trying not to, but I'm still wishing my uncle would get in a car accident or have a heart attack or something, before he gets deployed next Tuesday. I used to always wish my father would get into a really bad accident before he was deployed, too... or else get shot or injured right away when he got over there so he could come home sooner. The worst though was my stepmum... I didn't get along with her well in my teens, and the last time she deployed, I was actually hoping she'd die OS! Recently I was looking at an old blog of mine that I saved from when I was 15, and in it I'm saying I wish she would just die. Well I got my wish, indirectly.... :(

I used to try to do stuff to break up my stepmum and dad too, pit them against each other, etc... and I was totally conscious that that's what I was doing. I even got together with my one friend who also had a step parent and we compared notes on how to get our parents to divorce. I really wished she would just leave because I wanted my dad to myself.

I may wish my brothers dead, but I lso sometimes wish that something would happen to me.

Indirect suicide is what I call it. I mean, I fixate now and then when I'm down on how I'd like to die. Also on if I live what injuries I would dea with.

Really sick shit.