I think that's similar to what I've had before... my doctor calls it being passively suicidal.

Cass, you're not the only one that thinks that way one time or another...

since just after xmas i'd been in a really foul mood -aggitated, extremly short tempered, hostile, controlling, irratated at any little thing, all negative to such an extreme.. a complete nightmare to live with. It lasted for almost two weeks. i've explained it a bit to her now but my flatmate has done nothing but support me and i treated her like shit because of this mood thing. I've calmed down now, (been 5 days) only today i can see myself falling into the same unsettled feeling/aggitation and i can't seem to identify why - i'd figured out the posibilities for the last episode but not now. I'm soo frustrated and angry.

In university I joined a white supremacist group for about 6 months... my family is not racist at all, and neither am I actually, I grew up with friends of all nationalities. But I was alone and they approached me, they were REALLY friendly and nice, they didn't treat me like a freak the way everyone else was doing. Actually they prey on vulnerable young white people. That's pretty much what happened with me. I'm very ashamed of myself now though.

The ex jerk off military man was a racist.. I agree with you, they do prey on people.. you didn't stay and seen through thier lies.. that is something to be proud of bat.
bec

Racisim is all over where I was. Family was too. Yes, they prey on pliable minds. Luckily not being so was considered rebellious and I did not fall in that trap. I am seeing many of my "rebellious" ways were right and still are.

that's one thing my daddy wasn't, racist, surprisingly. being mixed so ethnically, i guess made a difference. he is part filipino, and his family was not treated well because of ww2, they looked too japanese,lol. i guess it's everywhere, the south is worse, though. you can't really be a christian, and be racist, it's clearly sin to do so. funny that a lot of those white/supremesist groups claim christianity. not there, not really.
cathy

I haven't posted to this thread in a long, long time. It's as if I've saved some of the worst for last. You'll definately think differently of me if I were to post the two things that have come to my mind tonight, of what awful shit, I once did, and am now reminded of. I'm still in disbelief at times when the comment is made that you'll find no judgement here, as this is just mean, nasty, terrible WRONG shit I did, that marked my self-image of myself in a bad way, though appropriate. How do we forgive ourselves for these types of things? or, should we just exclude them and pretend they never happened?

Well, years ago and I say years ago, bc I'm not even the same person, I worked someplace where an apparently next to blind woman handed me over three twenty dollar bills for something that cost $2. and change. I rang it into the register as $3. and returned the change and later stole the difference.

The other one, or should I say two now, I really shouldn't share here. Will have to one day share elsewhere...oh, god now...should I say three others.

....:angry-fla at myself. Why? How could I have been so.............. What had become of my senses?

I don't think there is an answer to your question of "why?" I know that when I have allowed myself to ask this question, I only end up torturing myself. "Had" is past tense...

And I think you should share the other bad shit. Shame is shit enough itself.

My latest one, wanting to tell a guy friend that I am attracted to him. Have not will not, I just fantasize about him and end up feeling like a leper.

Off to bed

My baddies mostly revolve around alcohol, sex (never a big fan of drugs), and destroying things from about 18-24:

Drank more than a fish. Could drink anyone under the table anytime, anywhere. Routinely did. Mini-benders every weekend. Completely lost it on vacations. Let's just say a large chunk of my early 20s is missing.

Got into more fistfights than I can remember (while drunk, of course)

"Sexual Research Project" - tried just about everything - one night stands, swinging, D/S, S&M, fetishes (I have thing for dark-haired men who wear glasses), bisexuality, lesbian sex (no relationships, just sex)

Destroyed property (drunk, bored, angry)

Dabbled in the black arts (I mean seriously not good magic) -- as in the kind of stuff John Constantine gets up to (for you Hellblazer fans out there)