Have been drinking some in the mornings. Will work on not doing that tomorrow morning.

I used to pretend to be someone else online a lot. Like make up a whole elaborate story about my life, personal details and everything. Not to do anything illegal, but just because I didn't want to be myself. It felt better to pretend to be someone else. I feel ashamed of it now and kind of paranoid that I will run into some of the people I "fooled", although I never used my real name so I guess the chances of that are pretty slim. And I can't pretend on here because of my family lol. They catch me immediately in any lie or decrepancy I've told on here!

I think this deserved to be resurrected to see what happens...

the shame I have felt these past few weeks have triggered alot of guilt. I read some of the stuff others have done so I quess here goes. After my father died and my mom abandoned me. I was trying really hard to find someone to love me, I would meet a boy or man (some of them were twice my age) and I would get them in bed thinking in the morning they would be there and love me.(I probably told them I loved them after that first time) I did this from 14 till about 20 till I got lucking with my hubby. Weve been married 28 years...But took me at least 100 boys/men to find my knight.

Didn't know this thread existed, or else forgot. Well. Since Evie was so forthright, will give it a go myself. Probably be in the doghouse for this one. However. Last week there was a chocolate cake that disappeared. Kathleen was furious. I let her blame it on the kids, she yelled at them and good. Truth is, I ate the entire thing myself.

Jim.

You naughty naughty man Jim.... that is totally something I would do myself.

Well lets see... In the past drinking, drugs, cheating on ex, stealing, lying, being a shitty person.

had sex for drugs.

pretended to be interested in guys when i wasn't, only to get drugs.

tied a man, shaved his head and let him smell my feet for money to buy my little sister a coat for her 7th birthday.

slept with ex boyfriend and his best friend on the same week.

had sex with my cousin's girlfriend while he was at work.

stole money from my grandma.

broke into bf's e-mail.

lied a lot.

touched my 2 yr old cousin's genitals when i was 4.

plotted to kill my catatonic grandma so my aunts wouldn't have to look after her anymore.

did not refrain from doing coke even when i knew my bf had been really stuck on it and was now out of rehab.

shoplifted booze & inexpensive stuff.

confessed false erotic deeds to my school's priest in an attempt at tempting him to have sex with me.

Lately I've been manipulating my family members, or trying to. My brother especially, he really thinks I'm sweet and doesn't know as much about PTSD as my parents do and I've been using that to my advantage. I wasn't totally conscious of it until today.

Shit where do I start?
How about laughing when my step mom got punched in the face, and when my dad put a gun to her head and then clicked that thing that allows one to pull the trigger. I hate that fu@@en Biiiitch and I still take joy in those memories since she has caused so many bad ones for me.

I drank nightly and played head games with everyone who I came in contact with. I left my son with who ever agreed to watch him.

I pretended to like some one so they would give me drugs or alcohol.

I got men excited and then withheld sex from them because I can't stand sex. I felt I was getting even with all men for the abuse I suffered, and it was their fault I didn't like sex. However this backfired once, and the guy took it anyway.

I was a thief and did this so I didn't have to work because work has been such a stressor for me.

I picked fights with bullies because I can't stand those assholes who prey on the weak. Took joy in kicking their ass while only weighing 120 lbs. Had my ass kicked quite a few times though, and loved it because it toughened me up (but hurt my pride). (Can't stand pain now and wouldn't conceive of fighting a bully unless some one was being hurt badly)

Got even with a boyfriend for cheating on me by calling my ex husband up and having sex with him, and then running back to my b/f telling him about it so I could watch him cry. Took great joy in watching his break down.

Pretty much got even with anyone who wronged me. If I couldn't out wit them I would kick their ass. I can't think of every time I did it because the list would be too long. About 12 years of head games and physical fighting.

On the week of final exams my father was murdered and I didn't take the exams for 3 months (cheated on them because I had forgot what I learned), then got my Associate Degree and went numb and started stripping.

(The whole 5 years I stripped I only drank 5 times and never fought with one girl in the place because I was so numb from Prozac. Prior to this murder I thought I had it together and became a good mother, did legal work, stopped shop lifting and fighting and playing head games).

Forged and altered prescriptions and almost got caught so decided to quit (Dear old dad taught me this one)

Stole a bottle of liquid Demerol from my doctor after my car accident, and dear old dad supplied the needles because he was diabetic. I love my dad and forgave him of all his faults and neglect.

Went back and stole a bottle of liquid Valium and sold it to my dad's friend. It was out dated so I had to refund the money. I did these things after my car accident and had major brain damage and don't think I would have done it under normal situations because I had gotten over the whole stealing and illegal activities. Once my brain stopped hemorrhaging I quit doing the illegal things again.

I don't think stripping is a bad thing under the right circumstances. I think dancing for some one who is single and knows what they are doing, and there is no taking advantage of, or misleading, I see nothing wrong with it. But what I do find wrong, is taking money from men who have a wife and kids at home clueless, who could use the money for bills or food etc.

The last thing I did was head butt this girl in the face and broke her nose because she bad mouthed me for two years. I was arrested, tried and convicted. That was 8 years ago.

I suppose I've done some minor head games without realizing it, but nothing serious. I catch myself manipulating some times out of habit, but continue to try and catch myself.

Oh, I trade Valium for Vicodin with a friend so I don't have to pay to go to the doctor because I'm poor. This is my current issue that needs to be fixed. Doctor visits and prescription medications are so expensive.

I love myself..... Ho Hum De Dum. Wouldn't change a thing (except neglecting my son) because this is what makes me what I am today.......... A SURVIVOR, not a victim.


Peace
Tammy