Is this thread for real Anthony. I thought of something more I could add and then realized if I post this, everyone here is going to think I'm a shit'bum or A'hole or something. None of which is true. Truth is I've been very ill, helpless, alone and felt despairing much of my life, and from a very early age. None of the shit that I did would I do now, or have for many, many years. And, most of it I still loathe myself for.

I had nobody, and little to nothing and though this doesn't make for an excuse it's certainly explains much to me. I grew up in a town of wealth. Most everyone had, Mom's and Dad's and families, homes, and money, cars and love and resources and material galore. My 1st real boyfriend, I had him pull up in front of someone else's home as I had said I lived there...I went up their stairs and shot through their yard and thru the woods to get to where I lived. I was so damn ashamed.

O.K. here it goes, this sucks.

I sometimes encouraged my mother and helped her rip off the Salvation Army dumpsters. She drive up, late at night, and at age 9, 10, 11, I'd be responsible for jumping out of the car, running up to it and claiming 3, 4 bags for our family.

And, I grew up through my teens to be less than honest until my early 20's. -yuck

Veiled I didn't see your post until after I posted. You Crack Me Up! And, I like your sense of humor. You're funny!

I laughed at/made fun of the other kids who were scared during the shelling etc...

I used to make fun of the girl that lived across the street from me...
but then again so did everyone (parent's and all other neighbours included).
she used to talk really nasally/snobbyish and prance around the front yard in an ill-fitting bikini,
...LOL, my dad couldn't resist imitating her shrill voice everytime he heard her

Hope, absolutely for real. This is not a self esteem booster as veiled outlined already. What it is, is a guilt ridding thread that you can dump all your shit that your not proud off, get it out, off your chest, not be judged, just be honest. Nothing more or less with this thread. We have all done bad things, whether it be attempted suicide, picking on kids at school, drugs, stealing, violence, etc etc... it is a guilt ridding thread.

As a teenager, we had milk boxes, as we were all on acreage, and everyone had a milk box or something that the milkman would put the milk in every couple of days. We knew the day he collected monies, so we used to go away from our local properties, and then rip off all the money from the milk boxes / letter boxes. I did this with mates of mine. For once, I didn't come up with the idea, but I certainly participated and spent my share.

Maybe this is the wrong thread but it reminded me of a quote from a Psc. Doc. (I can't remember his name), it goes"there are no inherantly bad people just people who made bad decisions". Don't be so hard on yourselves the most righteous people who have ever lived have made bad decisions, so just learn from our mistakes and try and look to the future it's the only thing we have control of. I know this PTSD thing tries its best to tell you otherwise but you realy can look to the future if you let yourself.

Hmmm interesting thread. It actually made me feel braver to share, after reading some of the stuff you've all written.

Before age 19 (when the murder/suicide/attempted murder happened), I don't have very good recall. I mean I remember bits and pieces but a lot of it is a blur and feels almost like a different life. I do remember though that I could be very mean to other kids, especially kids who mocked me because I was a army brat. I remember myself and the other military kids ganging up on kids who teased us and beating the crap out of them. I also did a lot of vandalism around age 12-13. The worst I think was pushing over a tombstone in a cemetery and smashing it. I experimented with drugs but never got into anything, and I can't drink alcohol as it gives me hives.

After my trauma, I think the worst thing I've done is push everyone away. I was very cruel about it too and I've probably hurt a lot of people in the process. I've also made tentative friends with people several times and then abruptly broke it off with them, with no explanation. I do it because I'm uncomfortable, but that's no excuse. I've also done a lot of lying about my family and background... very few people know what actually happened or who I actually am.

Hear you loud and clear batgirl! I made a habit of the above, and for far too long now.

In addition, at about 11, 12 yrs. old, my sister and I sold raffle tickets to a raffle that did not exist. And when the police showed up, we ran and found some railroad tracks to walk home on. I'll tell you, up above us was a helicopter, much of our walk home and scared, I thought for sure it was there to catch and punish us. How silly this was, and wrong the sales. And, what makes the guilt worse, is that at the time, our scheme, the money collected and my salesmanship was something to be excited about and feel proud of. Another of my past, very warped and distorted, false views and developing values in life.

1. Stole money from my dad's underwear drawer
2. Hid my brother's toys in the sandbox (buried them)
3. swallowed blood pressure medication (the whole bottle).

Oh shit sooner or later I will have to post here.
Have been trying hard to think of things but like nam and cookie have mostly tried to stay good except dabbling in drugs younger and first marriage, the binging you all know by now. I will think on it must concentrate on docs appointment list for tomorrow.
lol
Been connecting songs to your personalities and seeing things in town which remind me of you guys batgirl in particular. A rememberance day billboard at my fav gas station for Batgirl, won't tell but I am taking my camera tomorrow and getting a pic you guys will get it when I post it on a general chat thread.

I know getting off topic
Once my nefew and I chalked gang logo's(imaginary) only his friend and the two of us in his gang, and then went roof running over ten city blocks in T.O. on Younge Street.

Ran through entire subway line in T.O. in 24 hours with nefew collecting subway transfers at every station in the city. They were chasing us about half way through. Really fun day actually, only 12, sis was pissed as sunshine boy murder happened two days before and she was home freaking from 5:00am till 1:00am next morning before we got home. Same day panned for bus money home realized is was good money maker and made $120.00 before asking same lady twice who yelled for security. We nefew and I did get away with it.

Can't think anything else right now as always hid as kid, protected as mother and wife. I'm sure I can come up with better.