I used to give myself poison ivy to avoid going to school. I'de walk out around the house, find some and rub it all over my face, arms and legs. I was extremely allergic to it and even had to go to the hospital once beacuse it was swelling up my throat so I was having trouble breathing. I did this probally 3 or 4 times throughout elementary school. I never told anyone, they thought I got it by accident, playing outside or something.

I have Been caought of the police one to many times for having a sort of crises attacks
and have acting out on the wrong people when i have had a drink or two..
i feeling kind of sad and guilty for that
i know it i`sent my one fault but i have a choice to not drink but i do that anyway
and every single time i end up in a police car

well, since 2003, I've treated every man in my life like **** buddies. Never allowed into my home, shit not even allowed into my world. I didn't get mentally close, and I didn't reveal anything about myself that could be used as ammo later.. Basicly, I called when the physical need was there. All were kept at a distance and if they even acted attached I'd treat em like complete dog shit until they didn't want to call me ever again. I've publicly insulted their competence, intelligence, the whole nine. Perfectly nice guys, I'm sure.... but it turned out I liked verbally and mentally abusing what I saw as weak, undisciplined, underclassed..
I am pretty tough on the people around me. Outside of my home, I am pretty unapproachable. I have a 5 foot rule, if you are closer than 5 ft, you will have problems. People say I look mean, or serious, and at work, I'm pretty quick to point out others' faults, mistakes, short comings. Not only will I lay you under the bus, I'd drive it. Huge bitch. But then I get home to my children and turn into the biggest teddybear.
My live in boyfriend for a year now, is another story. Lately I've been irritated with him like he's just taking up my space. Everything he does or says I deem stupid, illogical, la la landish... In my episodes, I've kicked him out several times now, and he still won't leave. He talks to me out of ending our relationship when I'm not so desperate and passionate to reclaim my life and space. Great guy, great with my kids, but sometimes I want rid of him to have one less part of my life to focus on. In a lot of ways, I've become dettached and I really can't fault him because my PTSD warps my perception sometimes.
Not so proud, but done.

Cypher, this reminded me of something that I did, twice in my elem. school yrs.


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At about 9 or 10 yrs. old, once I went out into the thick of woods nearby home, dressed only in shorts and short sleeve (decided it's best that I take off the top for greatest exposure to mosquitos and ease), and forced myself to sit still while blood sucking mosquitos attacked me.

The other time, and just inside my yard, there I sat, pulled up the back of my shirt for as long as I could, and let the mosquitos bite.

My thinking then: One way, or another I will find myself help, up and out, even if it meant ...in my distressed and childlike thought... creating a physical need that might perhaps put me in the hands of a helping professional. I was successful then in my aim of withstanding the pain and achieving many bites, but failed miserably then in that indirect and manipulative approach. Though I later complained of my many bites, I couldn't even get my mother to show much, if any concern. And, besides I might've known then, that I was already in the mind-set & condition, that had I been, in front of a helping professional, I'd freeze up, shut my mouth and not utter a word of those disasterous ongoing living conditions, isolation and varied abuses at home.

I worked then with what I knew and understood in desperation. Mine was manipulative then, hence considered bad from a perspective of indifference, or one of ignorance. From today's perspective, my then desperate cry for help, though faulty & ineffective, was nothing more than a manifestation of my terror that I would die, if left unaided, to remain existing (while already ill and internally threatened) in those continuing neglectful and abusive world and conditions.

This has got me thinking. Though, I wanna write that then, I had many invisible wounds, that I then felt I must make visible in order to survive, I also recognize that all those wounds were not invisible. Just a general thought of question here: Why and how on earth were/are children allowed to visibly suffer trauma(s), abuses, as well as, illness and not receive the intervention and help that they so desperately need?
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Cypher.........take care, please as will I too, to always do my best.

The things we do to get out of school!....

I had this teacher that I absolutely hated and most everyone else did too. My family was moving the next day so when he gave me detention- I acted. He had me clean the chalkboard. I started to clean it, then he said he'd be back by the end of the hour. So I dumped out all the water, pissed in the bucket then recleaned the board untill it was gone. I spit in the coffee he was drinking, found 4 or 5 thumb tacks and pushed them up from under his chair so he'd sit on them w/o seeing them. Did'nt wait for him to come back and booked it outta there. Never went back/saw him again.

I feel a lot more comfortable after reading some of these posts. Typical paranoid whatever right.
I was addicted to pain meds for a couple years, my doctor gave them to me for headaches believe it or not, 80 mg oxycontin 3x a day. No answers for treatment of withdrawal but sure free with the meds. Now this same doctor is licensed to treat addiction because of us. Withdrawal was horrible and could not get into any facilities. So we had to deal with it ourselves. Suboxone and a lot of whiskey helped but it was a long hard road. It may be why the other symptoms. Also I have been an off again on again drinker with a huge capacity for years. I don'[t want to give it up which might be insane. My husband comes home from rehab on Wed. and he is a book thumping program man now so we'll see maybe he will be a good influence for a change...he could say the same about me absolutely so no harm no foul there. Ok that's it for now.