im currently a vaguely respectable member of society,doing fairly well, gotme act together and studying at university to be a proffessional archaeologist.

the past is something that haunts me on cold lonely nights, a phrase stuck in my mind somewhere which saw me through, survive to fight, probably got it from some bs poster.

i became a raving drunk, then a stoned drunk, then a homeless stoned drunk who managed to steal insult lie and cheat my way through money like a hot knife through butter, the greatest regret i have is my old mother dieing while i was like that, to drink i would scour the clubs after they shut for bottles, i would do most things for money or beer, i went into the gutter and further to survive was my thought, survival means doing a lot of unpleasent things, destroyed my self my mind my body my morals, i didnt fear walking down dark alleys. i was the thing people feared, beyond the fringe of the world into a spiralling black abyss, took thought time and contemplation to pull myself out and set myself straight,i did many things which haunt me, many things which were wrong. the thing which i think is most outstanding in my mind, i did not value myself or others, no self respect no control no thought, i can think of only the things i did not do i did not rape or murder, i did not beat people for no reason, i did a lot of other things which haunt me still. seeing the fear in someones eyes, that haunts me. feeling the degrading of myself, they are things that i regret.

now i talk with people and give advice, they ask me how i can give advice, because i have been there .this is a tough thread to post on. sorry if i sound too ? , my past is past, and i dont have that life anymore, it is dead to me now,like a nightmare remembered with a shudder. but haunts me as i know it was me somewhere.

Things I have done that I am not proud of:

-Stole pack of juciy fruit from drugstore when I was about 7 or 8
-stole money from my sister's piggy bank to buy school lunch when I was in elementary school (was so scared to ask parents for money)
-Would steel gum from kids when I was in elementary school
-Stole money from kids desk while they were at recess
-wanted to kill my mother
-when i was little beat my dog with a stick bc he would get off his leash
-Would hold my hand over my sister's mouth when she was a baby until she fought hard for breath
-used to hit my sister alot when she was little (I was so angry that she got away with shit that I did/couldn't have gotten away with)
-made out with my cousin/adopted brother
-fondled a male cousin when I around 7 or 8 (sexual abuse was still going on)
-came really close to shaking the shit out of a child i was babaysitting (while I was in college) that was wailing for a long long long time
-would pull on the tails of cats bc i wondered if they could feel pain
-crushed up anxiety medication and snorted it and smoked it
-have used pot to not feel pain (20's)
-In high school did sexual stuff with male dog
-thought about having an affair with a student that had graduated years before (he was over 18!)
-have fantasized about other men; esp when things are "not happening" with my husband
-have made out with a good friend (gay) when intoxicated
-have been overtly sexual around male friends in the past
-have rape fantasies
-have hit my dogs when they did something wrong (past)
-have hit my dogs when i felt like hitting something (past)
-used to crave alcohol
- had homicidal thoughts about my husband (three years ago); no plan
-re-enact the sexual abuse (current)
- will celebrate when my father's father dies

UGH!

When I was 17, I was home on leave from the army and got pregnant. I didn't know it until I was back in South Carolina (where I was stationed) and everyone involved was back in California. I heard my father say a number of times while I was growing up that there were only two types of women-wives and whores. When I told him I was pregnant, he called me everything but a whore...but the message was clear. It didn't matter too much since a few days later I was put in the hospital with a raging kidney infection and lost the baby. But since I was already a whore in my father's eyes, I decided to live up to his expectations. Didn't matter who, didn't matter where. The men where married or single...I didn't care. I didn't even enjoy the sex. All I was doing was using these guys and tossing them out like a used tissue. There was one guy who came to me the next morning and was almost in tears telling me that he couldn't believe he had been unfaithful to his wife. I laughed in his face and told him I really didn't care and that was his problem.

After I got stationed in Germany (and the self-destructive behavior continued), I offered myself to a friend who wasn't known for being 'choosy'. He turned me down and told me he loved me too much to destroy our friendship for sex. That helped to bring me to the reality of what I had been doing to myself. This was also the man who introduced me to my husband.

I try not to regret things I've done in my life. I try to learn something from everything I do. But this period in my life comes closest to regret for me. For the damage I did to myself.

This is also the first time I've ever told this part of my life.

Just proves that good things do come from bad situations. Well said Marlene.

I broke into my old primary school when I was in grade 8, and got caught. Two friends, or supposed friends, one came up with the idea, and us two agreed; so all three of us broke in to a classroom, we stole some stationary and crap and left. We didn't trash the place or anything, just nicked some stupid shit and left. Ended up in the cop shop a few days later, gave them back the stuff and got a kick in the arse.

I was extremely isolated, alone and withdrawn in 8th grade and that last post just reminded me of a bunch.
In 8th grade I:
...did some rotten things let's leave it at that.

Hope, don't feel shy, this thread is about being honest with ourselves, and letting ourselves and others know, that even know we have done bad things in our lives, that does not mean we haven't learnt from our mistakes. Jon described it so well above, about our past being our past, and that is not who we are now, but we still have it, and hopefully have learnt from it.

When I was also still in grade 8, me and a mate shot up my next door neighbours house and car with our air rifles. Yes, very stupid thing, but then we did not think, nor did we think anyone was home. The wife and little toddler was home, both hiding in the kitchen thinking they where going to get shot. We shot up the side of his car, his power box and put a few slugs into the house. Obviously we knew slugs weren't going to go through the house, because they don't have enough power, only air, but we didn't think much past that at the time.

Once again, we both ended up in the cop shop and I got grounded for a year. It was the only time my dad actually made a grounding stick for me, and man did it stick, till the year date.

In 8th grade I:
Stopped eating lunch and going to the school caf, instead I hid in the girls bathroom and stalls ...so feeling what I imagine was anger, fear and jealousy I would leave the girls bathroom and locate many unlocked lockers, steal essential school notebooks from A students and drop them in a hidden location in between the metal walls of the bathroom stalls.

During lunch or another available time I also once went from one class to my next classroom, located teacher's grade books, located proper pen and pen eraser and carefully altered failing grades to passing grades and fair grades to much improved grades.

I also skipped something I was suppose to be doing to discover and visit a secret room behind the far curtains on the school stage, up a metal ladder, beneath a furnace and presto there was there hidden (magical) room, where nobody could get to me. I visited it on a half dozen occassions.

I am proud of you for sharing, GoingonHope

I had an abortion I ever so regret and never will forgive myself for... I had gone and sought out a man who was a cop after I broke up with my husband who was a cop. He looked just like him, on purpose. The kids were allowed to meet him twice. They were surprised as it looked just like their step-dad. I was still very emotionally needy or thought so to this man(ex#3).

This guy Pampered me to no end. He would get angry if I lifted a finger in his home, did not want me to work... He was a vice president of a county union for the department. OK I learned I was a toy and candy. He hired a maid and left a note not to go past his office if I was there. He paid my bills and the whole 9 yards, so I guess he wa a sugar daddy too... Not what I was looking for just a replica of an ex I thought I could not face the world with out as he had taught me.

He started to get violent, taking BS from work out on me. He wanted to have a baby and never hid that but said he could not... Yes big dumbass coming in loud and clear now thank you.

We had been in a fight, pretty much him coming after me, I locked myself in a bathroom. I heard him leave and come back being calm. I heard a clicking noise. I have no idea, could have been a zippo lighting a smoke. But in my mind and still I felt it was the cocking of a gun real slow. I crawled up in the sink and told him I would come out when he left. (His house) he left and I grabbed my purse and keys and hauled ass. The only time I can recall drinking and driving I was so scared he would shoot me. I called my ex (I forgave after rape) to meet me on a back road to "lead me in". So If I hit a car it would be his...

I came back with my current husband he knew I was dating him and not wanting to "settle down" and my dad I still spoke with to get my few things from there.

After that I found out I was pregnant. I did not think there was a chance of it being hubs as it did not line up, but this guys lying seemed real possible. The idea of being stuck with another nut like my first ex was more than I could handle, and even my Catholic family supported it.

I Was so ill going in. My baby sis fed me valium just to get me in the door like candy. And of all the f*ing people to be there with his girl friend whose appt was at the same time so we sat in recovery together... My first and most evil ex. It has never come up. We acted like we did not even see each other even thhough his girlfriend tried to talk to me.

I was one who paid to be knocked out. As the lady was preping for putting me out I said NO. I can't. (I had always been pro choice until there) I tried to sit up and she said something in response I do not recall. I do know I said no I can't do this. Next thing I know I wake and the baby gone.

I almost killed myself, Hubs not a serious thing at the time, casually dating, cared for me, fed me pain killers, alcohol, valium... Anything for me not to flip out. He is angry and regrets it too as he took me. It is a heavy burden we both have... We feel guilty for the baby we have now but felt we had it coming when I lost one after her. I held the tiny thing in my hand crying and we buried the fetus in our back field...

A very dark time for me and my husband. We went in as pro-choice and left as strong as a pro-life advocate as they come, us both. He held me for days while I cried I told them to stop.

I am so impressed with how much you guys are all able to share... I wish I could share half as much. Unfortunately though I don't remember. I have quite a bit of memory loss actually. Just bits and pieces of events.