I still can't think of anything, other than the small amount of stuff I shared a couple of days back. I'm reading everyone's posts to see if it will jar a memory, but it doesn't... my mind is still a blank. I knew I had some major memory lapses from before the trauma, but it's starting to bother me now. Wish I could remember something...

Batgirl, memories are weird things. There's really no way to help yourself jar a memory. It'll come back in it's own time when your mind feels it's ready. Unfortunately, your conscious opinion doesn't count to the subconsious side.

Thanks Nam. I'm sure you're right, so I'm going to try not to dwell on it.

1. Stole a kids movie from a donation box.
2. Stole a crowbar (5ft)
3. Had an emotional affair.

Well, lets just say I'm a work in progress.

As a kid I quite used to stick chewed bubble gum in the sun then when it was all molten stand on it.

I'd climb to the top of the pine trees and jump from branch to branch to get down, about 20 m in the air.

When I was seven I pushed my twin out of a mango tree.

By ten I was offering myself sexually to the neibour hood guys.

At ten I kicked a classmate off of the monkey bars, he ended up with an open fracture on his lower leg. I poked it and asked if it hurt.

Started smoking when I was eight, went cold turkey when I was 11

Made out with my best friend at twelve. Was one of the only enjoyable sexual experienced I have had.

Started burning myself when I was twelve

Rubbed mango sap up my arms when I was thirteen.

Also when thirteen I took a full packet of antihistamines in a suicide attempt. Slept for 36 hours and that was it.

At 16 slept with a guy because he was all churchy church and I liked the thought of corrupting him.

Put my hand through a window at school because I was pissed off at 16.

Put paperclips in power points and turned them on at 16

Hooked up with another guy at 17 because it was the 'right' thing to do.

Groped a male teacher the same year. He left the school because of it.

Hooked up with another guy who beat the crap out of me at 21. Stayed with him and provoked him at times to be 'punished'
Emotionally cheated on him
Hooked up with a guy whose GF was pregnant. Let him hit me/ tie me up, again because I figurede I deserved it.

Picked up random married guys to sleep with.

Ummmm yeah.

Think that is about it.

All in all, not so bad.

Oh I forgot. I slice into my left arm and leg with blades so I can try to stop remembering the abuse my brothers put me through and the fact that my parents are ignoring it.

Oh, so so much comes through for me...

Stole money from my dads bedside draw to go play the pinball machines.
Beat a kid up one day for his money because I had spent mine.
Definatley lied to get out of appointments.
Definately lied to many girls about being places, when being with another girl instead.
Lied to acquaintances to manipulate a situation for my own benefit.

At 6, Used red fingernail polish to paint my dolls eyes and then with ball point pen gouged out the doll’s eyes. Stuck pen through mouth into her head. Colored dolls private part then used pen and butter knife to puncture and widen the plastic of dolls private part. Her hair grew long as it was pulled out from her head, I did this and then cut her hair, tied a rope around her throat, and later ankles after eldest sister told me their was something terribly wrong with me for hanging my doll. I had hung it out the window, from the second floor of our new house.

At 8 or 9, My sister and I told my friend that my Aunt was a witch, we got carried away, making mention of séance’s, that we claimed we were participating in, which in fact, eldest sister was involv. in. Before the end of frightening her, I considered I must be possessed to be so mean. As we spoke in such ways as to deeply frighten my friend and she went home in tears. Quite naturally this ended our friendship.

At 8 or 9, used saw to cut square, secret passage from my closet into mother’s closet thereby making access to her locked room.

At 9, I belly laughed when neighborhood girl fell down hill and broke her leg.

At 10, told best friend that I was pregnant from sister’s boyfriend’s brother. Pretended to be. She told her sister who in turn concluded false promiscuous, impressions of me.

10 or 11, bought female sanitary napkin from jr. high vendor went to the art room and painted it red, placed in upon step to an entrance to school near learning disabled students, watched as one child picked it up, held it up high while waving it and walked through school hallways announcing, “What’s this?’ Laughed.

10 or 11, bought a soda from teachers lunchroom vending machine when this was against the rules.

At about 11, A few different times searched through mother’s boyfriend pants looking for money. Stole $5 to $10. when I could.

At 11, intentionally set friends bedroom trash barrel on fire so that I could turn around be the one to spot the fire, put it out and be a hero.

At about 15, I emptied and spilled mother’s boyfriend’s shit load of prescription pills all over table and coffee filter and then emptied sugar bowl on it, making a mess, hoping that mother would see it and hold him responsible and have him hospitalized. She rightly believed him and rightly assumed it was me.

At some age in high school, frequented the nurses office and while in bathroom of nurses office, or on nurses bed behind curtain, often wrapped my hands around my throat and proceeded to attempt to choke myself for as long as I could stand it.

Highschool, went to school regularly with can of frostin and ate and vomited whole can until I was sick.

yucky...not me, but just being reminded of all this.
Yuck!

My most recent post was, inspired by GR'ass, and the honesty, to delve deeper into my memory.

Will say I'm personally learning much from this thread. Though the reality of what I'm learning is naseuating.

Is sickening innit to rediscover the crap you have done to yourself.

Your thing about the nurses office reminded me though

Up until I was about 9 from god knows when i used to go into my closet and attempt to hang myself with ribbons tied to the hangers.

Hmms. I think I was screwed up before I was abused. WTF?