Ut oh... The Big Confession time has arrived! I'm going to type this with a big wince and only one eye open LOLOL!

The biggest baddest thing I have ever done was.... I slept with a boyfriend's brother when I was 16...

It's the only truly horrible thing I've ever done

Well. I am proud of you for saying it even though you are not proud of it. The more shit we share, the less we carry around with us....

The most horrible thoughts I have had lately:

-wishing Veda's (the woman who have birth to me) dogs would die. They are old and she treats them like cold pieces of shit. I feel so bad for them. Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs more than people alot of the time... so it's not about not liking them.. I just feel bad that they are in a house where my mother doesn't provide for their emotional needs.

-Wanting to tear up Veda's house and perhaps light something on fire. F her!

well, if we're going to count thoughts, and not just actions, i guess i have one i am sorry for, it still bothers me that i could feel that way. about 6 yrs. ago, before this junk had hit me, my father was having by-pass surgery. he had made everybody's life pure he**, and i actually thought how peaceful and less worrisome my mother's life, and the rest of us, would be if he didn't make it. God forgive me for thinking that.
cathy

I walked out of a pub one night from being out with friends, as I was the designated driver that night and not drinking. I went to the car where a bloke decided he would jump me with a knife. Well, I seen red before this guy knew what he had done, got the knife from him in seconds and stabbed him in the forearm, just to know he was pissing the wrong person off.

He ran, I got in the car a bit shaken, but moved the car to a more well lit area and met my friends at the club down the street. Said nothing about it, just went in and told them I had to have drink. Had two and left it at that, so I could still drive.

I still don't feel sorry for stabbing him in the arm, because he shouldn't have tried to hold me up in the first place. I think he wanted the car, but he didn't get to say much.

Oh, another time I got my arse kicked in a pub one night, drunk as a skunk and mouthy, so I totally deserved it when looking back on it. So I knew this person and went outside and keyed his car all round, then pissed off and never went back to that pub.

From right before I turned 15 until I left home to join the army at 17, I used to cut myself. When I was that age a lot of stuff happened in my home. My brother got his girlfriend pregnant, my parents were having a lot of problems and my sister was moving in and out of the house about every 6-9 months or so. I wanted attention (nothing special-just the normal attention that kids need) and there was none left over for me. My mom told me one day that she knew that I was not getting a lot of attention, but she knew I was strong and could handle it.

I remember thinking that if I cut myself and someone saw, that I would get that attention I wanted. It started out as scratches. No one noticed. It got worse. No one noticed. No one ever noticed that I had scratches and cuts all over my arm. If they did, no one said anything. Cutting also gave me a feeling of some control over my life when I felt I had absolutely none.

When I noticed that my oldest daughter had cut herself, it was an absolute flashback from hell. All I could think was 'OMG...what have I done to her that she had to do what I did.' I felt like the world's worst mother at that point and I still have so much guilt over this.

I tried to walk-out with someone's leather coat from a bar one night.

I stole one of my sister's, ID at 16 or 17 and used it regularly to buy liquor. Denied this when she accused me of having done so.

I secretly judged my friend's drinking behaviors.

Intoxic. one night I suddenly overheard myself saying mean, bad shit about my boyfriend's sexual performance, whom if you can now believe this, I truly loved this young man dearly.

I was giving away a bag of nice clothing one time to an acquaintance in need, she thought I was also giving her my winter jacket, held it up and said, oh' thanks for such a nice coat. At this moment I felt forced to let it go. Was speechless, and now without a coat, and very little money to replace it.

I had admitted myself to a detox and during one day there was fantasizing about being held and having sex with an attractive Indian also there. I figured there was nothing wrong with fantasizing and writing about this, so I did so. Accidently I left it on a table, another fellow there found it and approached me, while smiling and requesting, "What's this?" and, he didn't let up I finally told him the truth: I'm just having some lustful thoughts about someone here and so I thought I'd write about. He got all giddy, smiley and happy and said, "It's me isn't it?" ...and so forth, as he was certain it was him. Well, it wasn't, but I lied and said it was so not to hurt his feelings and he never forgot it. Upon leaving he handed me his phone # and said, "Make sure you call me now." Now I was in more trouble, bc I figured that if I didn't I'm certain to hurt his feelings and he's sure to relapse. So I did and we ended up painfully involved, for sometime afterwards. LOL
....now I'm laughing my butt off right now, but there was nothing funny about this. It hurt feeling so obligated and powerless.

I told the guy I was sleeping with when he told me on the phone that he wanted to drive his car into a tree at 100k after his GF dumped him to just do it. I didn't give a shit.

That was monday night. Feel kinda guilty but he didn't do it.

I woke up this morning still buzzed from drinking through out the day (not drunk, just maintained). I felt like I had a choice: cut or drink. I chose to drink. Again, not alot... but then after I had a smoke this morning with a drink I felt like I could kill my mother. I wanted to, I was that { }. I decided to go back to sleep and have slept most of the day.

Then tonight she came up to me while I was on the computer and saw that I was on this forum. She had the balls to ask me, what is PTSD. I wanted to go ape shit. I have explained it sooooooooooooooo many times before. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!