Using sisters ID to buy liquor at 17 yrs.

Engaging in fantasies of creating shooting scene during high school pep rally, at about 17 yrs.

Having been made aware of friend’s sexual behavior, one to many times, casually making mention of her behavior to a man we had partied with. As much as stating that she might be willing, but that her sister and I were not. (19/20 yrs.)

Driving drunk while behind the wheel of a car. Before 21 yrs. reg. and while on some binges, throughout 20’s.

Packing a butcher’s knife in carry-along bag and bringing it to AA meeting, fantasizing about using it on some real big, tremendous as’hole. (25 yrs.)

Fantasized with a butcher knife to my throat on repeated occurances. (2nd half of 20’s).

Once, putting on a topless show for 1 or 2 young men, involving carefully running a butcher knife around neck, down and around chest…..medicated at this time on benzodiazepines that were not helpful for me. (28 yrs.)

.....this is some crazy shit. It all makes me feel awful. How could I have minimized how very ill I was? I suppose it wouldn't have mattered as I sought help as far back as I can remember, simply didn't qualify ins. wise, and/or was denied proper diagnosis and/or services. The help I did find, always seem to come with a heavy duty price-tag. Whatever...dislike this shit,...it all makes me sick.

Oh yer... drunk driving. Did a fair bit of that when younger, and even actually up until about 30 I reckon I still did it once in a blue moon, ie. drive to the shop for milk or something after drinking at home. Haven't done it for atleast 4 years though now, and not planning on ever doing it again either.

Not going to say drunk driving never happened here but it was isolated, I felt in danger, and I had an "escort", I called someone to meet me on one of the back country roads before I hit town to follow incase I hit someone it was them.

My guilt, I tore up my twin's marriage (one of them). She confided in me she had an affair. I was a dumb ass and had to ask "did you at least use a condom?" She had to be honest and said no. I was so torn. But in this day and age of HIV being deadly I could not keep my mouth shut. She met the guy on the net. I called her hubs and told him and told him to get tested. Was a long time for her to get over being pissed about that. That divorce also resulted in my oldest neice finding out that second husband of my twin was not her real dad and that she had been married before. As when it was over with my sis he walked away from my niece. No one saw that coming he raised her from an infant as his own and she was taught that was her dad no ifs, ands, or buts... She went on to find out her real dad was a crack head.

Anthony, I am surprised at the support you got really! I kept it shut for a reason. While I think any woman is stupid putting herself in a man's shoes striking a man, as that is just flat stupid (a lot of men need no reason why give them one?), men are physically the stronger of the two and one strike can do some damage. Being on the recieving end and giving I just can't wrap my mind around it being condoned.

But you also put it under bad shit... Getting guilt out. You have to forgive yourself and move on. We all screw up good. I went after hubs once before diagnosed, I had lost it big time and he said to hit him over and over to let it out. I went on a wailing spree until I wore myself out. I know a guy can take it from a short shit like me as I did not hurt him. Had a man done me like that I would be in a hospital! He loves me and at the time I have no clue what I was thinking. It was rage. I was truly at my worst and he knew I had to go after something. I do feel terrible on taking him up on that offer!

Yer, it is not something in my character. I do see a difference though is allowing someone to hit me, opposed to constantly being hit over and over. I didn't actually hit her hard, because I was aware of the damage I could do, but she still ended up on her arse as a result, and I think the fall knocked her more than me hitting her. If I hit her hard, I would most likely be in jail, cause I think she would be dead. I used restraint, even under such a shit situation, that was bad shit in my past.

I guess there are pro's and con's too it... but I did it, and I admit doing it, so yes... hence the thread. It is out, and I actually feel a bit better about it being so.

If you say you used restraint I believe you. One of the few I have grown to trust! Big step. Have the police officer ex hubs... Yeh, I know one strike can cause serious damage if intended first hand, but you know that too. I think I will be letting my diary back more "public" as I am losing some of the guilt and embarrassment now. Just have to remove my real name from the posts... Sorry guys if Anthony is the only one who get's it at the moment what I am talking about on that one.

I gave one of my nephews a black eye when he jumped out at me and scared the shit out of me.

I just reacted,pure fear. He was maybe seven.

He hasn't tried scaring me since. It was pure reflex, but I feel as guilty as hell. All he could say to me after was 'Aunty cass, you don't like being scared, do you.'

I don't like any hitting of anybody, regardless of gender. However in this instance I think this woman really provoked you! If the police had been around to see it, especially the military police, she would have been charged with assault. Maybe even sexual harrassment. If the tables were turned and she was the man and you were the woman, she would have gone to jail, no question. And if a guy was making advances like that on me, I wouldn't hesitate to hit him! Actually I really admire your restraint, I'm not sure I would have controlled myself much in that circumstance.

I think some women are real bitches and take advantage of the "rule" that a man is not supposed to hit a woman... sounds like this woman was one of those. I wouldn't have said sorry, either. I'm getting angry just thinking about it lol. I don't really think you did anything wrong.

We used to steal from my step dad. For years he went around telling his friends and family that we stole from him but it wasn't true. Eventually we figured that if people were going to believe it we might as well do it. He would pass out at night and we would sneak in and jack his wallet.

After I gave up my girls I went back to my abuser. His girlfriend was pregnant but had no interest in having a baby. One day he looked at me and said "but you know how I am with small children". We weren't "together" but I raised his baby for the first two years of her life and put up with his abuse the entire time.

Jet

I used to hang out with a group of people in high school that would engage in fainting. One person would bend over at the waist and deep breathe for a full minute? and then stand up abruptly and have someone wrap their arm around their neck and squeeze. This would cause a black out from a few seconds to a few minutes long. We'd take turns. I wonder how many brain cells I lost on that one....

Intresting thread but some secerts , i believe should stay in my closest. I never would say its easy being good. Sometimes you have to do bad things to have a good outcome..Just my feeling..besides that i couldnt tell all of them it would take me way to long.Find the ten comandments its a good list to start with and i have broken more than a few.....mj