Tonight I got to thinking too much, and I picked up the phone and after 16 years since the last molestation, I called my ex stepdad... I'm not sure how many here have read my story (it's somewhere in the introductions thread), but for years I've been afraid of him. I don't know what made me snap, officially, but I do know I was flaming pissed off. Got to thinking too much about how he's doing so well and how he's never been prosecuted (nor have my stepbrothers), and here they are living "the life". So it rang and rang and rang, I don't think I had a single coherent thought going on in my head because I had nothing planned to say...It rang until the prerecorded message came stating that no one was answering and it disconnected me.

I feel like a bonafide idiot, and I hope I didn't set off a massive trigger...Wtf came over me?

your reaching out never feel like and idiot for doing so,this is your life kells
None of my perpetrators were ever prosecuted and dad(first) I forgave years ago. Only my last one I had the courage to tell about now I am in battle mode as hics take care of own up here. Why does the victim always end up the perpotrater for speaking out I dont know.
You spoke and yes I have been there answering machines, dead ends, you name it. You spoke out, nothing to be ashamed of
I am here

I think it's a pretty natural reaction given what's happened to you, and not weird at all. I would love to be able to call up my dad and tell him off. There are times I wish he wasn't dead just so I could kill him myself, or at least beat the crap out of him. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're not an idiot. You are healing and confronting your perpetrators (in whatever way you can) is part of the healing process.

kells, your fear turned to anger. I think anger is more productive. It caused you to fly into action. I kind of wish he answered the phone so you could ream him a good one. Even if you said nothing at all, at least he'd be shaken up about it. I think this is a step ahead into healing. Are you still afraid? Or are you still angry?


I know this is not funny, but I actually laughed a little. You still have your sense of humour!

Haha well I guess it is kind of funny. I am dead serious though... no pun intended lol!! I would love to kick his ass. I have had fantasies of going to his grave and smashing the headstone, but that would just get me into trouble, so I have no intention of actually doing it.

And I agree with you, anger is a much more productive emotion.

Kells, I think many of us have done that (I sure have)- and it is a great empowering feeling! I didn't think I would have the strength to do it in person, but I did have a "mad" moment years ago and called my dad. I told him I needed to talk, he was to listen and not interrupt me, and then I proceeded to tell him how his abuse shaped who I am today. When he would interrupt I would just tell him to shut up (ooh that felt good: control!) and when he threatened to hang up I told him I would come over to his house and finish the conversation with his new wife present (he behaved after that.)

To me it was therapeutic. I only needed to do it once. I needed control over him and I gave myself permission to talk to him as an adult not as his child. He lives about 20 minutes away from me; I've never seen him or talked to him since that day. He's ashamed and he should be. I'm stronger and feel proud that I took the initiative to confront that part of my past and then close the door and walk away with my head held high.

Kells, I don't think you have done anything wrong. In fact, more could have come from this than you think. You actually picked up the phone, dialled and called their house. Only problem was that they're not home... not your fault. Big kudos to you Kells for taking such a big step... facing your perpetrators! Congratulations....