I want to start this thread with a public apology to veiled. I had created a post last week about something that had happened to me in the past and asked the question 'why didn't that trauma give me PTSD?' Veiled responded back with 'how do you know it didn't?' All I could think was I was stupid for bringing this subject up, and I was angry that I felt someone was trying to make me more f*cked up than I already am and I erased my posts and the entire post was erased by someone else. Veiled...sorry I took my anger out on you when you were just trying to help.

Basically here's the story: When I was ten, one of my father's friend molested me. I didn't even remember it until I was 16 when I overheard a conversation on a bus where two people were talking about molestation (1st time hearing that word) and how much more widespread it was than people wanted to believe. Then when I was 26 my husband's nephew tried to molest my then six year old daughter. Everything came back to me...especially the anger and the rage. I ended up in therapy and dealt with it. My question was why didn't I get PTSD then when I got it later with other traumas? I spoke with my therapist today and asked him the same question after I told him my story. He looked at me and said 'You've had PTSD since you were ten.' I tried arguing with him since how I'm feeling now (especially the anxiety related issues) is totally different than how I felt then. My argument didn't hold water with him. He said the anger/rage, repressing memories for so many years, etc. were from PTSD. He also said that this had 'set my brain up' (so to speak) for future traumas to affect me easier.

I cried all the way home and told my husband and one of my daughters what he said and why. This is the first time I've told either of my girls what happened to me when I was a kid. I've been crying ever since I've been home, too. I'm having a real hard time wrapping my brain around this. I feel even more f*cked up than ever and defective right now. This just keeps getting better and better...NOT! :frown:

OK, first I did not do the clean sweep but it needed to be done since the conversation was basically me and you and made zero sense with just my responses. I will admit I was flustered you deleted as I thought you may have been working at getting somewhere even if it was something you did not want to hear. But I am not known for telling you what you want to hear but just my point of view.

You can get angry and that is OK. But this is a learning process. We have to look so deep within ourself and pull so much out. It sends us all over and hurts. And it is helpful to so many more that do not post if you leave yours intact. So they learn too. It is OK to be angry and hurt, but you were making some steps there and it was sad to see you erase them. Even if you did not see it you were.

Your posts made perfect sense to me, I have already been down that part of the trail. I still have a hell of a way to go but that was already covered ground for me so I was pulling at you a little. It needed to be pulled out and examined. Sounds like you see that now and had it brought out any way. We cannot hide from this or mold it in a form we like, it just doesn't work like that. But we do have control over pulling it out, looking at it, figuring out why we made choices we did and how PTSD played a role in them. We can learn to control this to a degree. We learn our boundries with it and then push them a little harder.

I am so sorry to hear you were so upset and you are not defective... You were traumatized. You were broken by another person's hands. Not defective at all. Now all you can do is pick up those pieces a little at a time and slowly put it back together so you are as whole as you can be again.

I did not try to hurt you, I just wanted to help and sometimes that means hearing things we don't want to hear... If you know how many times I have stuck my fingers in my ears over Anthony getting in my shit (as he is one of the few who will), but I process it, think about it, and try to be objective. He has not led me wrong. I am getting better. It hurts, it sucks, and man it is a bitch and I hate it, but I look back 4 and a half months when those doctors put a name on something I have had so many years...I was insane period and had really missed the boat over a year before that... No meds still helped and now see some little changes. May not seem like a lot to some, but to me they are huge, especially how I see and understand. And how little of medication I can get by on.

I am still home bound and have my phobias, attacks, and sleepless nights, but it has all gotten a little better, even my outlook which is the most important.

You will and can get better, but only you can do it for you. All we can do is support you even if that means being nudged a little here or there as a form of support. If I did not care I would not have bothered responding to begin with! But I really want to see everyone here work to do what Anthony set this place up for, and that is heal. No one said it was a cake walk though, it is a hard, but so worth it.

Marlene, I felt angry at first too. When I went in, I thought for sure that she would diagnose me with post partum depression (ppd) instead. First of all, it is much more widely accepted. If we can blame it on hormones, it's more acceptable (for some reason).

Over the course of a few weeks, she said that the original trauma probably could have been handled earlier in life if my adoptive parents would have listened to me. Instead, they told me it didn't happen. In fact, nothing before the age of five happened because I was too young to remember it. Subsequently, I had self esteem issues all through out school. I was severely depressed in high school and attempted suicide twice. All things that I thought was because I was just overly emotional.

So, when my therapist said all of this was because of ptsd and repressed memories, I was pissed. "Are you telling me this could have been prevented?" Wow, was I angry. Especially at my mother. I also felt even more f*cked up. My world was falling apart. My marriage was crumbling, what I thought was a great relationship with my parents, then shattered. I grew apart from my sister. I was losing my job. It just sucked. But I knew deep down that my therapist was right.

What does your gut tell you? Do you have any unexplained symptoms before your ptsd diagnosis? Even if we don't remember, I believe it takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep the memory repressed. And certain characteristics come through. For me it was depression and acting out. I knew about sex long before I should have. Stuff like that. Really evaluate yourself and see if this might be the key to healing. You've got to know the trauma in order to heal from it.

Keep writing Marlene. Veiled said it, it does get better. But you do have to make the conscious decision to start the healing process.

This is something that I've thought about last night and all day today. Not that I wanted to...it was just there. It was a dozen years ago that I was in therapy for being molested. After I dealt with it, I figured it was over and I put it away. As my hubby said when we were talking tonight, 'Guess there was still stuff that needed to be dealt with before you put it away.' Maybe as I've been digging down, I hit this and didn't even know it was there. I just keep hearing the doctor's voice in my head and me thinking, 'No, no, no, no, no, no! Please don't add more.' I know that this doesn't change any actual facts, but it feels like my world has, once again, been shaken up.

One of the things I've thought about a lot today is for the longest time I felt like it was my fault it happened. I developed very young and very quickly. When I was ten, I looked like I was about 14. This slimeball that molested me gave me a lot of attention and I enjoyed it. Afterwards I thought that it was my punishment for enjoying his attention. I took going through therapy 16 years after the fact to understand that it was his fault and not mine. He was the adult and I was the child. In Anthony's 'what bad shit' thread, I wrote about using men and not caring about how they felt. What I didn't mention is that there were a number of men that I let use me and figuring the pain they gave me was just how it was supposed to be. I guess I was still punishing myself.

My husband was the first person I'd ever told that this had happened. About a month before we got married I told him. I felt like I was giving him an 'out' in case he didn't want to be stuck with someone 'tainted'. That's just how I felt. My self image/esteem has never been that good. Although I can put on one hell of a mask! The first year we were married I was so afraid that he'd realize what a mistake he'd made in marrying me and would just walk away. Fortunately after all these years, I've gotten over that. Although those moments of insecurity will pop up from time to time.

I've been wondering all day how much of what happened almost 30 years ago has helped to shape my life.

Veiled-you said it's not a cake walk. Boy you sure did get that one.
Nam-you asked what my gut told me. That this is gonna take a while and it ain't gonna be pretty.

Hey Marlene, thanks for your most recent post. You really put into words a lot of guilt and yucky feelings I've carried my whole life too. It was very helpful for me, and I appreciate you taking the time to do what must have been painful to put into words :tongue: .

In your first post when you talked about crying and feelings of denial at the doctors words.. those are really good feelings to have. It is grief. Grieving over the loss of your innocence, your childhood. As with any death, it will go through stages (anger, denial, etc.) So for now, embrace that grief. Grab a box of tissue, wrap yourself in a warm blanket, hug a teddy bear and cry. Cry for the little girl inside who was harmed by others, cry for the teenager who didn't have the same sexual experiences as her peers, cry for the mother in you who has to re-live the harm through her daughters' experience.
Then hug your family and realize what a wonderful gift you are to eachother.

(now seeking my own box of tissue) ~Boo

My mom called me last night to check on how everyone was doing. I swear she hasn't lost her mom radar because I was thinking about calling her and talking about this and then the phone rings. Veiled-she said almost exactly what you said above. See, I've have a habit, that when things hurt too much to deal with, I just don't and walk away. Unfortunately I got that from my father. My mom then invoked her mother priviledge of telling me if I tried to do that...walking away from dealing with my PTSD, she would plant her foot in my rear end. And she will, too! LOL

I sat talking to my hubby (talking and crying, actually) and I told him that this wasn't supposed to be part of this whole PTSD mess, that it was supposed to be over. He asked me, 'Who says?' When I said, 'Me', he said, 'Well, you don't get to decide. It is what it is and you deal with it.' Man, I hate it when he's right!

I also hate it when I have to have my ass kicked. It really messes with my control freak issues. But when you need it...

Boo-Thanks! I needed my own tissue after reading that. :crybaby:

Sounds like my hubs... Glad he is just as willing to deal as much as I am forced! Keeps a good balance :)

Marlene, its funny you know that you see yourself with a lower self esteem, because this is all very normal for those with PTSD, and often one of the tips to helping a person recover quickly, because self esteem and confidence plays such a large role in the recovery process.

Honestly Marlene, what I see in you is somebody that really wants to heal. I congratulate you on your openess to tackle this shit Marlene, because as you seemed to off thought it had been dealt with, your mind is still telling you it hasn't, as there are residual aspects to still deal with.

Marlene, what I see now is you truly being honest with yourself, which is a huge part in coming to terms with trauma and helping your mind heal. Well done Marlene and please keep this going. You have nothing to fear here Marlene, as nobody here (that I know off) is here to willingly hurt another. We are here to support you, guide you and just listen to you. Listening is such a big part in helping others get better themselves. Reflective feedback often does the trick well, which is really what this forum does as its best attribute.