A company is having a hard time finding employees and decides to hire a group of cannibals. They all promise that they wouldn't eat anyone and things start to go great. Production goes way up and everyone's happy. Then one day a manager calls all of the cannibals into the conference room and says, 'We have a problem. One of our secretaries is missing. Did one of you eat her?' They all shake their heads no and swear they didn't do it. The manager say, 'OK' and leaves the room. The chief cannibal turns to the other and says, 'You idiots! For months we've been eating managers and no one has noticed. But is that good enough for you people? NOOOO because one of you morons has to go and eat someone that actually does work around here and would be missed.'

LOL.. cute

Bec

How does a Welshman find a sheep in the long grass....
Irristable.

How does a Welshman find 2 sheep in the long grass!!!!!
Very irrisistable.:hit-boss:

How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a tree......
You wave to him.

:loopy: How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a tree......
You wave to him.

There was a Great British Comedian called Spike Milligan. And when he died he had this written on his gravestone:-
I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL

I thought this was fitting for me right about now. Found a couple versions :brrr:

version 1
A Texan Moves North



January 10



It's 5:00PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered run and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.



January 11



We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. later a snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.



January 12



It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped in the snow. I shoeveled the drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came again. Now the now is a brownish-grey.



January 13



It warmed enought today to cause slush which froze again when the temp dropped. Bought snow tired for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to a chiropractor. Northing broken. More snow.



January 14



Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyways, considerable damage. Another 8 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The goddam snowplow came twice today.



January 15



It's 2 ****ing degrees outside. More ****ing snow. Not a tree on our property hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ****ing house down. Managed to put ou tthe flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and totalled it.



January 16



More mother****ing goddam white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that ****ing snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till I shovel. Power still off. Roof has started to cave in.



January 17



Six more ****ing inches of ****ing white shite and ****ing sleet and no tellin' what the **** else fell last night. I wounded the ****ing snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. The car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't feel my ****ing toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit forecast. Wind chill is 22 below. I'm moving my ass back to Texas.



version 2

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I'm so glad we moved here. I love the snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Shit I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that bastard think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.


December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

LMAO That's funny

(And wtf is with having to have at least ten characters????)

Mujibar was trying to get a job.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works for the Government of Canada.

No doubt you have spoken to him.