To preface these jokes, I will admit I was born a blonde...to which my darling husband says that explains so much. LOL

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BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and say "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Man in posh restaurant asks the waiter. "Do you have Frogs Legs". No replied the Waiter, Its just the way that I walk.
Scott:loopy:

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna be in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?". Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

LMAO why do I think too many men here just got bright ideas to piss off their wives???

Oh... correct, because I took notice of this when my brother sent it to me.

Good Evening this is The Scottish Broadcasting Corporation with todays news.

Crime.
A woman in Charlestown West Virginia was found dead beside a packet of Cornflakes. The Police are now looking for a Cereal Killer.
Toronto Canada. A man walked into a Pharmacy and stole 10 boxes of Laxatives. Police are hunting a man who has an urgent need to go to the toilet.
In Canberra Australia there was a road accident on the City By-pass as an articulated lorry carrying 25 tonnes of eggs crashed. Police are now treading on Egg Shells trying to look for clues.

General news.
At an award ceremony in Manchester, England, for the best Waitress. The top award went to a Miss Wun Hung Lo, of Coventry who was a Chinese Topless Waitress with one breast.

Bosses at Mick's Conservatory Building Company, awarded a Mr John Wally as Salesman of the year after he sold a Conservatory to a woman living on the 18th floor of a block of flats.

In Hobart, Tasmania. A man was removed by security guards from an Opticians after making a complete spectacle of himself.

In Ironknob, Ontario, Canadian Mountie Cyrrl Plonker was divorced by his wife after taking his horse into bed with him.

Sport
Cricket. In the 2nd test at Lords, England were bowled out by Australia after they bowled out the entire England team. England Captain Jimmy Lostit, said it was a bad result and told his team mates to get a grip of themselves. This caused a lot of pain in the dressing room as team members were gripping parts that they shouldn't have.

Thank you for watching, and Goodnight.

better go to the bathroom first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

I near wet my pants Cathy.... priceless.

OMG, what little I had left of my lungs is long gone after watching that!

LOL

bec