Good Afternoon, here is the News from the Scottish Broadcasting Corporation.

Crime. In Memphis, Tennessee, Thieves broke into a local police station and stole all of the toilets. Detectives say that they have nothing to go on at the moment.

Fort Francis Ontario. Police are looking for a man who stole 10 tons of onions from a truck parked outside the local market. Detectives say that if you see a man who has been crying a lot, please call 911.

Geelong, Australia. At the Australian Sheep Dog Trials. All were found guilty as charged.

Chicago. Tragedy struck when the world's smallest man, Mr Arthur Tiny. When he went to the local Ice Rink to watch an Ice Hockey match, the opposition thought that he was a Puck, and used him during the 2nd half. Arthur scored 5 goals before being taken to hospital suffering from a severe headache.

In Charlestown, West Virgina. Mr Edwin Dickhead, had a large mishap when he went into hospital to get 8 teeth removed. The nurse mistakenly turned the theatre trolly round the wrong way. And Mr Dickhead lost his manhood. Later Mr Dickhead said in a squeeky voice, "I'm taking this to my lawyer". As he pointed to a carrier bag.

In Aberdeen, Scotland. Mr Hamish McTightgit, the world's stingiest man had an accident. He dropped a £1 Coin, bent down to pick it up, and it thumped him on the back of the neck.

Utah. During the World's Hairiest Man's Contest. Mr Ralph Bald was disqualified after judges saw that he was wearing an allover bodywig. Mr Bald complained that he was cold after the judges removed his wig.

Thank you for watching, and good afternoon.

Some jokes about Russians :)
-What is the Russian-style business?
-Steal a box of vodka, sell it, and apend money for drinking!

-How do you know that the Russian visited your house while you were away?
-All hard drinks are gone, and a crowd of Russians is having fun in the kitchen.

An American, a French, and a Russian get into the boat crash and escape on the island. The ocean brings them a few boxes of beer. When they open a next bottle, a magician comes out and offers to make everyone's wish. An American and a French wish a zillion dollars and coming back home. The Russian, in turn, said:
-Oh, such a nice company we had here! My wish is: another box of beer and bring the guys back!

The Cold War joke &)
The Anericans come to visit a Russian military ship whith a nuclear rackets. The empty bottles everywhere, drunk people sleep on the floor... Suddenly, the commander runs to the middle of the ship and screams:
-WHO PUT HIS SHOE ON THE CONTROL PANEL?
Nobody answers.
-WHO PUT HIS SHOE ON THE CONTROL PANEL?
Nobody answers. Finelly, one of the Americans decides to tell them how to manage such ships, and tells politely:
-Well, in my country, in the USA...
The commander yells:
-YOU COUNTRY IS NOT HERE ANY MORE! WHO PUT HIS SHOE ON THE CONTROL PANNEL?!!!

-How to make the Russian leave you alone?
-Tell him that there is a cheap vodka in the nearby store.

The surgery room in the Russian hospital. The surgeon is operating the patient and commands the assistant:
-Scalpel!
-Sissors!
-Gause!
-Alcohol!
-More alcohol!
-More alcohol!
-Cucumber!

The Russian is in the airport, and is going to fly to another country. The custome oficcer asks him:
-You have any drugs with you?
-What are drugs - the Russian asks.
-Well, they are... ah... They make you high!
-Oh, yes! A have lots of that stuff!
They quickly opened the Russian's suitcase and found that it is full of salted pork fat.
-Hey, why did you call it drugs?
-What do you mean? It makes me high!

The Siberian Russian got lost in some African country, and the local residents caught him. Since the Russia was not in good relationship with that country, the decided to kill him, and put him naked to the freezer so he gat frozen to death. In three hours, they looked in the freezer, and foung the Russian sleeping peacefully. He awoke and tell:
-Guys, get out, it is already too hot here!

A Cuban comes back home after studying in the university in Russia. The friends ask him:
-So, what do you think of the Russian winter?
-There are two winters in Russia. The green winter is so-so OK, but the white winter is TERRIBLE!

The Russian dies, and God decides to send him to the hell. In a while, the Satan calls God and says:
-Hey, please, take your Russian away from here!
-How come?
-All my demons are boiling water in his pot, and he is so happy, because he got warm finally!

I've got more, but do not have time right now

This young nun is in her house having a bath. When suddenly there is a knock at the door. "Who is it she shouts". Its the "Blind Man" comes the reply. So the nun gets out of the bath and goes to answer the door, thinking that the man is blind. She opens the door and the man says. "I've come to fix your blinds. Nice tits by the way".

2 nuns are in a car crash and go up to heaven. There they see St Peter at the gates and St Peter says, "If you answer 2 simple questions, you can come into heavan." Ok say the nuns. St Peter says to the first nun. "Name the 2 people in the Garden of Eden". The nun replies. "Adam & Eve". Correct you can enter heavan. The second nun comes forward and St Peter says to her. "What did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The nun says. "Ehm that's a hard one". St Peter says, "Correct, you too can enter heavan".

Scott

ok a mothers cooking breakfast on the farm and sends her son out to collect the eggs feed the pigs and milk the cow, the young boy objects to this as he wants his breakfast but goes anyway, as he gets to the chicken he collects the eggs and kicks the chicken, he gets to the pigs feeds them and kicks the pig, he milks the cow then kicks the cow, he comes back in and sits down but his mother says as you kicked the chicken you get no eggs, as you kicked the pig you get no bacon and as you kicked the cow you get no milk, the young boy looks upset, his father comes down the stairs at this point and kicks the cat, the boy looks up and says do you want to tell him or should i.

GOOD one madjon! I'll have to remember that one!

Ok! Here she goes! My favorite joke! Its kind of a riddle but I'll answer it.

If ya have already heard this one feel free to laugh anyway cause I am!!!!

What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
Ans: "They both circle Uranus looking for Clingons!"

Ok! Ok! Just one more! Simply can't help my silly self!

What's sharper than the sharpest knife?
Ans: "a FART" cause it cuts right through your pants and doesn't even leave a mark! We'll, unless its a SHART! I won't go there!

What do you call a one legged woman?

Ans: "Ilean"

Ancient Chinese Proverbs:

"He who FARTS in church sits in own pew!"
"Elevator smell much different to midget!"

Mike Tyson comes to Russia for fighting with the local boxer. However, his potential opponent falls sick and can not fight. So, the Russians rapidly found some guy from the village, and offered him several thousand dollars if he will stand against Mike Tysian for 1 round.
Ok, the fight started, and the guy stood for one round. Everyone congrads gim, and offer more money, if he will stand more. He stood one more round, and then one more... So, he is given more congrads and offered more money if he sdands for 1 mpre round. But now he is refusing:
-No f-ng way! Now I am going to kill him!


Mike Tysoan comes to fight with the Russian boxer, who suddenly falls sick and can not fight. Russians found some guy who works in the slaughterhouse and offered him money for the fight.
Ok, the fight started, Tyson runs to hit the Russian guy - and gets a nice hit and falls on the floor.
The referi starts to count.
The russian guy says:
-Hey, do not wait. Skin him while he is still warm!:moon:


The boy is late in the school. The teacher asks him:
-Where had you been?
-My father and me took our cow to the bull!
-Couldn't your father do it alone?
-Well... Oh... Yeah, he could, but the bull does it better...


How do you call 1000 lawyers on the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean?
-A good start!

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:


Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.


The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....

LMAO!

Omg that is soo cute! I have to print that off and give it to my dad! (he has both a dog and cat!)


bec

loved it Marlene... My house to a tee!