****May Trigger****


This joke is kind of about fighting.

What's Black and Blue and floats down the river?

People who tell Sicilian Jokes.

[ I got that joke from my sister, who probably got it from her hubby, who's Italian-American and such]. He's such a card. Heh Heh.

Good day,

Rob

A cowboy walks into a bar. he looks sad and tears are on his face.

He walks up to the lady bartender.

"What makes you so said, mister?" she said.

He said: I think there's something wrong with my body. I don't know what it is. Everytime I sit down, I get these sharp pains in my butt.

She said: Did you ever notice that you're wearing your spurs too high???

Two elderly men were sitting in the living room having a conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Great," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques like visualization, association and repetition. It was worth it."

"Well, I'm thinking about going. What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred's mind went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He called to his wife in the kitchen, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"


(unknown author)

Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia. (my home state by the way)

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.

True story...

Funny Anthony!!! I have heard that joke before but it was about the drinking that goes on in the great state of Texas....My son sent it as at the time him and his now ex lived there for awhile as she was stationed there [Air force] Isn't it corney how the same joke is told as if from different geographical places!!...GIVE PEACE A CHANCE

Yer, they tend to travel the globe... then come back around every couple of years for another burst...

This is from the TV show America's Got Talent, the episode from the other night. This guy breaks things with his butt:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV8K9-EmIYQ

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE
>
> 1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
>
> 2. A backward poet writes... inverse.
>
> 3. A man's home is his castle..., in a manor of speaking.
>
> 4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
>
> 5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
>
> 6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
>
> 7. A man needs a mistress... just to break the monogamy.
>
> 8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
> 9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
>
> 10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
>
> 11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
>
> 12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
>
> 13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
>
> 14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
>
> 15. The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway.)
>
> 16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
> 17. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
>
> 18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
>
> 19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
> 20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
>
> 21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
>
> 22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
>
> 23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
>
> 24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>
> 25. Local Area Network in Australia:... the LAN down under.
>
> 26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>
> 27. Every calendar's days are numbered.
>
> 28. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
>
> 29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
>
> 30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
>
> 31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>
> 32. A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
>large.
>
> 33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
>
> 34. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
>
> 35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
>
> 36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>
> 37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Signs for a laugh:


sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."