A friend just told me this one:

Q:Why did they put a gate around hte cemetery?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Love Story

Through a booking error, a man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though both were married, and initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired, and after agreeing that he would take the upper bunk and she the lower, they fell asleep quickly.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fu@#in blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

0 to 200 in 6 seconds



Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top..

I like that one Wendy... thanks.

Look up great t-shirts for a laugh at whatonearthcatalogue.com

They crack me up everytime!

For my 50th birthday this year I bought myself two shirts:

My doctor says I am in early stages of fossilization. (I teach earth science in a high school)

The other shirt : It is what it is!

My students argued trying to explain it to each other - It sounded like who's on first, what's on second, .... Abbott and Costello routine. I was in stitches.

Tax Rebates.....


This morning President Bush said each one of us would get a
$600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped
it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China, if
we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.

If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs ....and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution.

Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.

This one just tore me up:

Two cows are hanging out in a field. One says to the other:

"So, what do you think of this mad cow disease?"

The other replies:

"What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks. And, believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."