"When life gets too hectic, I've always found that a nice, hot bath can solve most problems. . . .


- wait for it -






"I've been in here since last Thursday."

Not really a joke but nice to share with friends.........

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the fu*king bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.



Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I read this and about fell out of my chair laughing!!!! Enjoy.

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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to the their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little...' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my spandex tights.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know, sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've at times forgotten my address, my phone number, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have NEVER forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of "something" to FORGET to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress were: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

(I haven't read through all the pages so forgive me if someone has already posted this. It's from a magnet on my fridge.)

The 5 Steps to Happiness:

1) Find a man who loves housework.

2) Find a man who makes you laugh.

3) Find a man who has a great job.

4) Find a man who's a great lover.

5) Make sure that none of these men meet each other!


Rivergirl

Isn't that the problem, all of those guys have boyfriends

My wife was listening to NPR (national public radio) the other day and relayed this funny story.

It seems a restaurant owner near the Olympics in Beijing wanted to draw more English speaking clientèle so he typed the name of his restaurant into an on line translation program. then sent the result off to a sign maker.

when it came back, patrons were confused. why did you name your restaurant "Translator Server Error"?

My favorite kind of joke is the pun. the ultimate is to slip in a pun in conversation but I have a ton of ready made joke puns too.

like the one about the two bull weveals who grew up together on a cotton farm. then one moved to Hollywood and ended up becoming famous. the other just stayed on the farm and never amounted to much. He was the lesser of two weveals.

or

how do they circumsize a wale? send down 4 skin divers.


So receantly I entered a "pun contest" in the local news paper. I thought for days and finaly came up with my top ten puns and sent them in sure that at least one would get the grand prize. but

No Pun in ten did!

Rally,
Have you ever been to the O. Henry Pun-off held in Austin, TX every May? I used to live there, so we went yearly, and I went there this year too, even though I have left Texas. You would have a blast. People go up on stage and try to out pun each other on a given subject (cities, states and countries, for example), then there's another section where people recite 2-3 minute monologues with as many puns as humanly possible (telling a story ala the song 'wet dream"). People work on the stuff all year, and some participants come from the other side of the world to compete.