A policeman noticed a little old lady walking down the street dragging two bags one of witch was leeking money. " Madame" he said " one of your bags is leaking where did you get that money and where are you going with it to. Well she says I live near the football stadium and after the game the men reliev themselves through my hedge so now I wait for them with my hedgeclippers and tell them to payup or of it comes, I filled a whole bag with money and I'm going to the bank. Well what's in the other bag then he says. She gave him a wicked look and said " not all pay up."

THAT IS SO SADISTICALLY FUNNY!!!! I can hardly wait to pass that on!!! It goes right along with my quite odd sense of humour!!! I am looking forward to viewing more of your jokes!!!! KEEP POSTING!!!!! ROFL!!!!!

Dumb Blonde person Joke
This blonde lived in an upscale neighborhood and disided they wanted to have a summer job so the blonde desided to go around the neighborhood looking for work. The first house they came to the blonde asked if they had any work the blonde could do. The owner looked this person up and down and figured what the heck my porch could use a coat of paint and asked how much it would cost. "How does $40 and you provide the paint" said the blonde. " Sounds great the paint and supplies are in the toolshed" The owners wife hearing this says " Does that person know the porch goes all the way around the house $40 sounds awfull cheap". " They must the person was standing on it when we made the deal" he says.
After about an hour there was a knock at the door and it was the blonde " all done" the blonde says. "It was real easy and I had enough paint to give it 2 coats and by the way that's not a porch that's a Ferrari".
P.S. I'm Blonde

two elderly men sitting on a bench outside a nursing home observe one of the lady tenants streak by(sans clothing). one looked at the other and said, wasn't that norma? yes, i think so, said the other fellow. but what was that she was wearing? i don't know, said the one, but it sure did need ironing!

Got this from a friend recently:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point! a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,
ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with---
..."In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends
You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
"Rock Bottom".

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Share This With Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called Therapy.

the new supermarket in the neighborhood has an automatic mister for the produce, just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.when you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and smell the aroma of bacon and eggs frying. when you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and notice the scent of fresh hay.......... i don't buy toilet paper there any more!

LOL.... LMAO cookie... thats pretty funny...

i once saw someone walking around a shopping centre wearing a t-shirt with the following message printed-

"I'm out of bed...And dressed,...What more do you want?"

just the thing to wear to a meeting with mental health team!

I have a pink t-shirt that says:

Oh Crap! You're gonna try and cheer me up aren't you?


hehe

Bec

For you teachers

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her clas and she presented each child in her class half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the other half pf the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. their insite may surprise you. the last one is a classic.

1.Don't change horses.............until they stop running
2.Stike while the....................bug is close
3.It's always darkest before.........Daylite saving time
4.Never underestimate the power of.......termites
5.you can lead a horse to water but.......How?
6.Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty
7.No news is.....................................impossible
8.A miss is good as.............................Mr.
9You can'tteach an old dog new............math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
11.Love all trust....................................me
12.A pen is mightier than the ...................pigs
13.An idle mind is.................................the best way to relax
14.Where there's smoke there's................pollution
15Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents
16.A penny saved is................................not much.
17.Two's company, three's.........................the Musketeers
18.Don't put of tomorrow what...................you put on to go to bed
19.Laugh on the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as....................Stevie Wonder.
21Chidren should be seen and not..........spanked or grouded
22.If at first you don'y succeed..............get new batteries
23.You get out of something only what you............see in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind..........................get out of the way
25.Better late than.....................................pregnant