T-shirts my daughter has:
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity!

I live in my own little world. But it's ok...everyone here knows me. :-)

T-shirt I want to buy:
Don't make me break out my flying monkies!!!!!

*********************************
An article from a newspaper-
A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex.
In the heat of passion, he lost the grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.
She clinched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.
Both only admitted how they received their injuries after 'intense questioning' by hospital docs in Carioca, Romania.
The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone.

LMAO...you can't make sh*t like this up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since people, espesially stupid ones annoy the living hell out of us to a higher extreme, thought this fitting. From a "red neck" comedian, not sure if I wanted to put it in songs or here. Hope it isn't in song thread as I have not opened it! If someone did I guess pass me my sign...

Artist/Band: Engvall Bill
Lyrics for Song: Here's Your Sign (Get The Picture)
Lyrics for Album: Here's Your Sign (Get The Picture)

I just hate stupid people.
They should have to wear signs that just say I'm stupid.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?
You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops,
never mind"
"I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California our house
was full
of boxes and there was a u-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?"

"Nope."

"We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many
boxes it takes."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat
into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass this idiot on
the dock
goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?"

Nope.

"Talked 'em into giving up."

"Here's your sign."

I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he was
playing with his little friend, and he hit his friend and I went up to
him
and I said "Hey, (smacks his boy), we don't hit." He looked up at me
like, "Here's your sign, dad."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there
was a guy
inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want
you to jump
into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you."

"Well allright....hold my sign, I don't wanna loose it"

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat tire, I pulled my
truck into one
of these side-of-the-road gas statioons, the attendant walks out, looks
at my truck,
looks at me, I swear to GOD he went, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist.

I said "Nope".

"No I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on
me."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
People with them little bitty teenie weenie tiny monds...
Here's your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy come over to the
house, drove the
car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out
of the car, reaches down
and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Damn thats hot!"

See...

If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

This girl in country local in the boonies/ redneck bluffs like me. She has found a way to make money online with her feet.... yes feet....

This is a copy censored for her protection from e-mail I got yesterday.
Sorry but I think it's hilarious.

Quote:
Well, it seems the foot thingy is working out, I have been sent $85 in total so far. But I have made some clips and they are selling fast. Unfortunatley all the money gets sent by mail. and it takes like a hundred friggen years to get here. I made a double cupcake squish clip, and one where im dangling my shoes off my toes and playing with my heels, and another where I actually peel a banana with my toes...lol...I knew I was always a friggen monkeyhttp://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/...mileys2/13.gif. A 45 second clip for 10 bucks!! I love it... I have been looking up other places where I can sell my clips and I'm not having any luck finding a place where I can make as much money. I found a real wierd place called ********* MAN.... there are some freaks out there....

Don't know bout you guys but I keep imagining a bunch of muslims buying pics of her TOES in Afganistan.

I call it Afganistan porno's

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile.

But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

A sweet little, white-haired, old lady goes into the bank one day. She's slowly carrying a very large bag full of coins. With a mighty heave she puts the bag onto the counter.

The bank teller looks into the bag of coins and says, 'My, that's very impressive. Did you hoard all of these quarters all by yourself?'

With an angelic smile, the old lady says, 'No, my sister whored half of them.'

thank you anthony i realy, realy needed a laph!

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel attached to his crotch;

walks up to the bar says "bar keep, a beer."

The bartender says "Alright but first answer me one thing."

Piraet says "What may that be."

Bar tender says "Whats with the steering wheele?"

Pirate says " Arhh, it be drivin' me nuts!":biggrin:

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, I'm a Cincinnati Bengals fan, so I want a T-shirt that reads:

Front: Go Steelers!
Back: ... and take the Pirates with you!


Other Tombstone: I told you I was sick.


(I love the Pilot gripe sheets)

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Wll, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.

Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sixed Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it it a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adeqate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out- way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the dam thing and pushed the button..... Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing !! I do love a little fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so! Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife whatt he burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger. I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water...

All the while I'm looking at this LITTLE device (measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way -- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I was sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****** !!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a tazer, one note of caution.... There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then if you're lucky, you won't jam one of the prongs 1/2 inch deep in your thigh like yours truly.

SON-OF-A-BISQUIT- EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there?? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching... and I swear I smelled burning flesh and hair.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way has anyone seen my testicles? I think they rolled away. I'm offering a reward. They're round rather large. Miss'em.... sure would like to get'em back.

It's good to know that the wife will be safe from stupid assailants.....