T says that I will feel better once I tell my story. She knows part of my story, but not all of it. I am hoping to write it here and then maybe bring it her, although she will probably make me read it to her.

I don't even know how it all began. He was so different in the beginning. But once we moved in together, he was jealous and didn't like any of my friends. First we starting just arguing, and he would throw things. Then one time he pushed me. I tried to leave him that first time, but he promised he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. He didn't for awhile. Then one day while we were out, an school friend who happened to be male came up to give me a hug and we were talking. He was so mad once we got home alone. He said I was flirting. Next thing I knew he hit me and I was bleeding. I tried to leave again, he wouldn't let me. Then he apologized again, and this would be the cycle for 2 1/2 years.

Everyone warned me about him, told me to leave him, but they didn't see his sweet side. I defended him all the time. I lost alot of my friends because of this, they couldn't stand to see me being hurt. Towards the end, I was a mess. I was walking on egg shells, not knowing what would set him off. He had control of my money and he was spending it all on drugs and alcohol. When he was drinking, that is when he was the most unpredictable. He would come home demanding sex, I would say no, and by the end, I was giving in just to stop him from hurting me. I guess I am just realizing now, that I was r-p-d many times. Too many times.

Every time we broke up, he would apologize or threaten to kill himself or he would threaten to hurt my family if I didn't do what he said. He knew just what to say to get me to come back. The day I finally decided to leave, he was out of town on business for 1 week. I packed up everything and moved out. Left him a note and thought that was the end of it.

It wasn't. Although he didn't know where I lived, he know where I worked and waited in front of where I worked. Left messages on my car. Called my friends to see if they knew where I was. Threatened them. I was afraid to go to police, he said if I ever did that he would hurt my family, and I believed him then.

I didn't notice he was following me home. One night I was home, heard my door opening to bedroom. I saw him standing there, he said he just wanted to talk. He was drunk. I could smell it. I told him to get out, and he came after me. I managed to get to front door, but he caught up to me and dragged me back to living room. He had a gun. He hit me hard, and I blacked out, when I came to he was on top of me. Then he asked me where money and booze was. I told him I didn't have any booze. He kept saying if he couldn't have me, no one would have me. It took awhile for him to leave, he was angry because I couldn't stop crying. He said I was asking for it and was my own fault. I blacked out again then. I am not sure what happened next. Next thing I remember was I was in my bed bleeding, and he was gone.

That was on Nov 11, 1999. I will be 7 yrs this year. I have just been diagnosed with complex PTSD. This due to breaking down at work one day, just crying for absolutely no apparent reason. Job burnout . I had been working 70 hr weeks, just to keep my mind busy I guess. Flashbacks and nightmares are awful and it has just been this year that I am remembering bits and pieces of that night. I haven't been able to work full time for 3 yrs due to severe depression, and am suicidal on many occasions. After 7 yrs, I would have hoped things would be better, but just seem worse then ever.

Thanks for reading my story.

Good for you and great at getting it out canucklady! Sounds very hard. Don't be too sure that the therapist will make you read it aloud. Writing is a very good way to get it out. My doc loved me writing as it cut to the chase and we could spend the time on ways to heal. She may bug you for more details but you got the brunt of it out or a least what you can remember. Way to jump in with both feet!

It is very hard and the "if I can't have you no one will" echoed over here. I was in an abusive relationship that ended; and once ended and I moved I was kidnapped with intention of murder while we were in the woods made very clear. I will never forget "I am going to put a bullet in your brain". While so much more of it has gone out the window. When he raped me was my chance to talk and BS my way out of the murder. There was no indication until the act that he was going to rape me and doc made it clear it was just another "I am in control, act of violence" It has been 13 years and I understand how long something like that can haunt you. I still look over my shoulder. And since I have kids with him that are now teens he has never been completely out of my life, just mostly.

Add some pretty bad things prior, and some after seemed to make sure PTSD ,since it was all untreated, take a good hold. But he was a major catalyst in the scene. I think him more so than the rest has effected me and where I lay most of the blame for what I have now.

Just know you are not alone and we will be here for you and help listen and help point you in desirable directions to become a strong woman again that you can be again. This does not have to rule your life but it is a long process.

I am not sure I can hang on though. Somedays I feel nothing at all and other days it hurts to even breathe. It goes from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I wonder why I even survived. It is like I am the one sentenced to life for his crime.

I know exactly how you feel as many of us do here who were victims of violent crimes. I think you summed it up quite nicely in fact! It is not and never will be fair. But you are seeking treatment and have found us, you have made a step in healing and no reason you cannot. Some days it feels as if you are grasping at a greasy little string to just live. But it can and does get better in time once the work is started, and you will hit some hard lows in the process, but you will also start to see improvement in other areas and it gives you enough hope and courage to keep pushing on.

Just keep posting, post how you feel, what you want, what your goals are... Hell, even what you have fantasized doing to him in revenge. Like I said we have been here and you are not bad for having those thoughts and willing to bet you have had them. We had a thread a while back talking about that, pretty grusome, but normal for victims. And how hard it is knowing someone you loved subjects you to abuse and can hurt you when you could not at the time have harmed them. It is just a confusing mess but as long as you keep getting it out it starts to make more sense.

At the risk of sounding trite: you survived because you are a survivor. The ******* who treated you like **** is ****. You are better than he is, and the fact that you are still here proves that.

Thanks for sharing, canucklady. You are very brave!

ty veiled, tabitha and batgirl for responding. I really do appreciate it. i dont know what i am going to do. this past week is a complete blank to me. my doctor said that this is dissociation, but i am scared i am losin my mind.

I think it was the week before last, I even had posted. No recall, my mind took a little vacation (but I also saw a post that may have triggerd me and you will find triggers all over this board). It happens, it is annoying as shit, but part of the territory. Some of it you get kind of used to. Like panic attacks. They used to hospitalized me so severe a lot of work and 99% don't do much more than annoy the hell out of me. I am anything than symptom free. I have however have learned to start coping with them and they are not as severe then...

You are not losing your mind. We ALL feel like we are. Consume the information section and explore the board. You will see it can be of great help and you feel like so many others.

i do get triggered very easily lately. i have even been avoiding my current bf because I cant stand to even be hugged right now. i dont recognize the person i am becoming. it is so hard. i have like so many messages to return. i dont have energy to talk to anyone. feel like am spiralling out of control again

What do you use to "put the brakes on"? A beer, a pill, meditation... Where in your life are you giving yourself permission to be you and just be a mess? To take a breath and a time out? To give your self time to just blank out and it be OK? Sometimes you need to make sure your diet is going well, doing all the things you have control over to be healthy and clear the cluttered mind so you can start the sorting process...

What part of the abuse is replaying or hardest to cope with right now? Where is it like the past currently? What part are you carrying guilt about?