Hi my name is John and I am new to this forum

I suffer from PTSD and Social Anxiety Disorder, I was sexually abused at the age of seven by my older brother, it was not a one time occurence, it lasted over a 1 year period.

I've never really talked about it with anybody, well my parents knew about it but they chose not to talk to me about it, I just learned to block it all away. My parents went on as if nothing happened, he was still revered in our family, invited to all family events and even lived with us when he and his wife were down on there luck. For a while I hated them for still making me be friendly to him, but I just learned to put all the memories away . I haven't thought about it for a while but just about 2 years ago I started suffering from violent nightmares, kicking in my sleep, waking up in a cold sweat, unable to breathe, and I am seeing his face in everything I do. I have not been able to focus on anything, I lost my job and was pretty much forced to move back in with my parents. I am currently 24 years old and I have had these nightmares almost every night I don't know how to stop them, I have also had visions of suicide and extreme fits of rage. I stopped seeing a psychatrist about a year ago becuase I cannot afford it and my parents don't know about my disorder I have chosen to keep it a secret from them, they just think I am mad all the time and they don't know why. I also don't have many friends, everytime I am in a large group of people I suffer an anxiety attack, being online seems to be the only way I can communicate with people, I just thought this forum might help me get some of these things off my chest. I know that I have to start on some kind of road to recover, so any help or advice you can give me would be great, I don't know what to do, I have no family support I am out in sea by myself

John,

Welcome. I respect the fact that you have shared as much as you have... in your first post.

I was sexually abused around the same age. My parents never spoke to me about after it happened. I felt like invisible and toxic at the same time.

If you are in the US, you may want to check out the health department in the county where you live. They should be able to connect you with some community resources... When I was in grad school I did not have health insurance and was able to receive counseling through a United Way agency in town... and it was based on my earnings. So, I paid like 5 bucks which was a huge blessing.

I hope you keep coming back. This is a great place for support. Ask anything. There is a ton of great information on this forum. And Tony the Forum Admin rocks the free world!!!! No judgement here. Welcome!

john, welcome. please let your family in on your ptsd, even if you don't tell them everything. i tried to go-it-alone, too, and it doesn't work well at all. ptsd is bad enough, but ptsd AND alone is just too hard when it doesn't have to be.
cathy

I just wanted to say welcome!

Hi John,

Mate, welcome aboard and so very glad you found us. What you described above ooooozzzzed PTSD all over it. Well done for shareing so much about your problems at hand, which certainly helps to guide you in the right direction.

I got the impression that you have anger caused by your PTSD... is that correct? Also, how do you rate your self esteem on a scale of 1 - 10?

Thank you all so much for your responses, i am very glad that I have your support in this. Anthony you are right my anger is caused by my ptsd, and I am unable to control it, sometimes after I throw one of my fits I am overcome guilt about what just happened, and on a scale of 1 to ten I would have to rate my self esteem a 3. and to nov silence thank you for your awesome info I will make sure to look into that, and believe me I have tried telling my parents but sometimes I find myself just staring at them and unable to say a word, so i guess it is easier said than done. I hope to continue speaking to all of you

Hi John. Welcome to the forum!

It is not uncommon for those of us with PTSD to have issues with anger; I go into rages which are not pretty - end up throwing things, breaking things, and other things I won't mention here. I, also, feel extremely guilty afterwards, when I am coming out of a rage, because it is then that I understand what I've done and I am ashamed of it. There are many of us on this board that share those very same feelings.

Glad to have you here.

Welcome John. This community is the perfect place to start your road to recovery. I hope you keep sharing your story with us and eventually find the courage to say it out loud to your parents. Especially since they are your closest physical human beings to help you in your daily activities. I am glad you have found us. There are many of us here that have been abused when we were young and still have to live with the "perp" and act like nothing has happened. It is such a strain emotionally.

I want you to know that even though we are here for you, you in turn have just helped many people by just sharing your story. It takes bravery to come out and say it.


Nam

John, I think your going to be just fine mate. A little fine tuning here and there, and you will see progress. Sure, healing trauma and learning how to manage PTSD is hard work, but it really is short term pain for long term gain, without a doubt. I have little doubt that we can get you past the worst of it all, help you learn how to control your anger and lots more.

Hi John,
Welcome.

I'm glad you found us. Here is a good place to heal and to learn about yourself.

Your story made me cry, which is a good thing. Your story reminded me a lot of my own. I'm another incest surviver, another sexually abused by brothers.

I still it extremely painful to talk about, but know that you aren't alone.
cass