Hi,
I'm Melanie. I'm 43 and from Texas. My boyfriend/life partner of 14 years hung himself in 2000 after struggling with depression, (many hospitalizations, especially the last 5 years of his life). I think I have PTSD from all the medical issues surrounding the situation and not necessarily that he killed himself. He had panic attacks, and many back problems and other things going on all at the same time as my dad was dying of cancer and my grandmother was dying of Parkinson's. Not a good time for me!

Since then, I've done alright but I have tough times when the weather or light is similar to that time of year. My boyfriend was in one of the best mental hospitals in the country at the time of his suicide. It was near the holidays and there was an ice storm approaching. He had just gone up there, desperate to check himself in and get help. Due to Thanksgiving, his therapist cancelled his appointment. The hospital was short-staffed and they were ignoring his state of mind. He wanted to find another hospital but we couldn't work it out at that instant. We agreed to talk later in the day. I went out to run some errands and when I got back the hospital called to tell me he was missing. He was a missing person for two weeks during an ice storm in December and his body was found when the weather cleared up around Christmas. So I always get freaked out when the wind blows in from the north or the sky gets gray like before a storm (even if it's warm outside!). I feel so stupid about it. I used to love things like that.
Also, I can get freaked out at doctor's offices and hospitals because I think Pat's doctor's misdiagnosis of a back problem led to the first depressive episode that got the whole thing spiraling down. So when i go to the doctor's office, if there is ever any kind of of hassle, I find myself in tears and angry and ready to walk out and no one understands why I could be upset. The usually try to give me an antidepressant, but those I've tried just give me anxiety.
Thanks for being here,
Glad I found the group.

welcome, melanie.
cathy

We are glad you found us; welcome to the board.

Welcome aboard Melanie, and glad you found us. Sorry about your loss of your partner.

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD Melanie, or do you think you have it from research you've done? I ask this because I can't tell at this time whether you would have it or not, but from what you wrote, I do suspect you have some anxiety issues to deal with, which doesn't mean you have PTSD, and is very curable. That would be a good thing for you if this is the case, trust me on that one. This doesn't down play your symptoms at all, please don't get me wrong, but from what you explained above, I think with a little counselling you could come through. Though if you have more than explained above, then PTSD could very well be present.

I also have had a very close friend committ suicide and when you first find out, it's like someone hit you with a two by four, and then it's just numbness that overtakes you after that, then the tears come, then the anger.

This only happened to me about two months ago, so it's very new still, but it's getting better. The reason that it's getting better for me, is because I talk about it, the friends that I have around me haven't ever said, "Ok, it's time that you should be over this." That's not a good thing to ask anyone to do, just "get over it", like that person never existed.

You and I have anxiety over the circumstances that caused someone that you loved, to feel desperate enough to come to the conclusion to end their own life. It's not an easy thing to grasp, because we weren't inside their heads, and so all we can do it try to accept something that seems so unacceptable. But, with time and help from those who love you, and the more you talk to others about it, it will eventually become bareable.

The time of the year that it happened will always touch your heart and soul, the smells in the air when it happened, the place where it happened, all of these things will always be very close to your attention, but, talk about it girl, just the way you've done here, and the pain and frustration of it will decrease.

God Bless and Welcome

Welcome to the site from another newbie. The holidays are always bad.

Glad you found us, too. Welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss.