Hi Mouse

The nightmares are in my mind part of the healing process. A 'normal' person has nightmares (generally of a less dramatic nature) to deal with underlying emotions and undealt with problems. The meaning of even the most bizarre dreams can be found with a little analysis. Reliving events or versions of them is normal in these circumstances. Over time I learnt on waking to realise that it was just a dream and to turn over and go back to sleep.

With therapy and talking about the problems I think it is important to know how much and how often and how long.

For me now, personally, I see little point in going over X, Y and Z. They are past events that cannot be changed, and need to be put in the past where they belong. The traces of those events that remain in my lack of concentration, ability to get angry, startle response etc (you know what else is in that bag already) need to be looked at so I can return to being a normal active person, and an active member of society rather than giving up and becoming dependent on state support. I'll be flipping the burgers before that.

It is very hard to get through and my main problem right now is accepting the limitations that I remain with. Accepting them though has been the most important key in eliminating depressive thoughts. I accept not everything is in my direct control. I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will continue to recover and that I cannot push it any faster than I am going. If I push too hard, I burn myself out.

The thing I want to address is the renewal process for me, the lessons learned, the acceptance of past being just that, and looking toward a future, how better to deal with what remains of PTS so it allows me to enjoy a fulfilling and active life.

I am wary of pill popping and do think it can be a temporary solution, but only if the correct remedy is given. There is no standard solution and it seems to be very much a hit and miss approach in what is prescribed. The side effects can actually even mimick what is supposed to be being treated in the first place! Make no changes without speaking to your physician, but think about whether they are helping, or whether the feelings you have could be a side effect, particularly if you are taking SSRIs. I think they made me feel awful and have the thoughts of ending it all too, but it is hard to know for sure it was a side effect or my reaction to what was happening to me. It changed rapidly though when I changed to another treatment with trimipramine.

I now take nothing, feel much better generally. The key was the acceptance for me, and that I know I have got through everything else in my life so far, and that I will get through this too. The other part of acceptance is acknowledging that it is not weakness in me that caused this, and that many would have probably not gotten so far. Lastly, it is about turning the negatives into something useful, and hopefully being able to help someone else understand that what is happening to them is perfectly 'normal' as a response to something dramatically different from what we expect to deal with as 'typical daily stressors'.

Be well.

I have a very tough time sharing the events of my past as for the most part I think that they are often things that the ordinary person shouldn't have to see, hear or witness, sometimes due to confidentiality and sometimes its due to pending court cases. But for the most part the, big one is, that I do not want to burden others with the stuff that I have seen or been involved in.

I am struggling right now to not deal with my problems and sometimes I find my self turning to booze but for a short time I can forget my issues.--I realize as Anthony said that I am really dealing with one problem by adding another. I know better but yet still....

I wish that I could figure a way to keep the past in the past but still everyday something new comes to the front of my brain. Really thats a bit dramatic but it seems that all of a sudden there are more incidents that bring trauma to me than I originally thought or realized.

I have read someone else say that there are whole big patches of an event that they do not remember, and that their Doc. thinks that is for the best right now. I agree but my issue is that I remember everything vividly of the event but can remember very little of my role in this event which was a primary role. Questions are asked and I don't have the answers, maybe someday I will remember and yes I might crash because of it but I have to know, I have to know if I did all I could, if I said the right things, if I made it better and easier. I don't know how I will get my answers, but I will.