Hi, just thought I'd post an update as I haven't been around for a while.

I seem to have the nightmares under control. They were clearly as a result of conflict with my parents. I haven't been in contact with them and the nightmares eased off and have now gone. The answer seems fairly simple, I just need to ignore my parents.

I'm struggling with some other problems. Just to give you some background, I have been drinking on and off for a while. I was drinking too much and getting horribly depressed. I've been trying to quit for about 3 weeks now, but twice I have gotten horribly drunk and ended up hysterical. Just last week I put my fist through a partition wall at home then I went out for a walk and some drunk football fan in the steet shouted something at me and I attacked him. I have been feeling really terrible about this since then. I can't recall all the events, there are some blanks. This is not because I was particulary drunk, I had drank 6 beers. Yes that is a lot, but not enough to cause blackouts. They are down to the PTSD I am sure.

I've been completely sober for 6 days now, I feel I'm doing really well but the PTSD symptoms are awful. I can't sleep, I'm getting shakes and really bad memoery loss. My sleep pattern is all messed up, it's almost 6 am and I'm still wide awake.

I went to see the doc last week and told him what had happened. He couldn't remember that he had diagnosed me with PTSD. I'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy and have been for several months. He said he was going to mail them to get an update and asked me what I wanted him to do. I said that I didn't think there was much he could do. My experience with the NHS is that they are completely useless for anything like this. It's taken me ten years to get this far that I even have a diagnosis that my doc has forgotten about and am on an endless waiting list for therapy. I feel really angry that the NHS is so diabolical. I feel like my doc just wants to get me out of his room as fast as possible and is also a patronising git and terrible at listening. I get really nervous when I go and I can't remember what I was going to say. I need someone who can be patient and listen.

Then I'm having problems with my wife. She has trauma as well and is always snapping at me. Quite often she triggers my PTSD by being rude and agressive. She snaps at me for no good reason, e.g. today I asked her why she was getting dressed up and she started being very agressive. I have asked her many times to try not to be so agressive but she just can't help it. She's also very clumsy and talks crap all the time. She can't concentrate on one thing for more than a minute or so. Before I have chance to reply to whatever she's said she starts talking about something else. Often she interrupts me when I am speaking to talk about something completely unrelated. It's not like I say a lot or speak for a long time, so when I do speak I like to be listened to. I find this very frustrating. We are completely different people with completely different interests and needs. The one thing we have in common is that we're both a bit screwed up and vulnerable.

I asked her not to bring alcohol into the house as I am trying to quit and she made a really big deal out of it. I felt that was really selfish as she knows what a complete ****ing mess I get into with the stuff. It's so hard to quit and I need support not to be made to feel like I'm depriving her.

I go back to work tomorrow and I know there is a world of crap waiting for me there. I had two days off last week feeling like crap after my drunken antics. I just know that I'm going to feel stressed at work, particularly as I haven't been sleeping, and that it will increase the urge to drink.

Ideally I need some time off work and some *therapy*. I'm having counselling but it's fortnightly at the moment. Maybe I will increase it.

Sorry to rant on but I'm feeling really crap at the moment and ranting helps. Thanks for listening.

Damn Rob, rude, aggressive, and interrupts... Sure she is not me? All joking aside quitting drinking and also an increase in alcohol can send our symptoms EVERYWHERE. Ease or worsen both ways. Sometimes a couple drinks makes me light headed and it is too close to feeling like a panic attack so of course I get one. Others it relaxs and I notice I don't take or need my meds then...

I do not agree if you need the alcohol out she does not comply. It is selfish. But where are you and what type of docs do you have they do not have it on records when they come in a room with you? I mean do they not have a folder and paperwork with history written down? None of mine said PTSD to me. I am a nosey shit and open my own folders and read... Screw it is is about me and I pay the bill. What is NHS? Is it more socialized medicine? Sorry see a whole lot of issues here with that.

I want to say congrats on being sober!! It is hard. But I have learned you can actually have a couple and loosen up later on down the road and it not be bad and have a wee bit of fun. It is possible for it to not be a bad thing, I was scared to death to drink for a long time. But it takes a while to get there.

Sorry to hear it took a parent break foryou o feel better but as bad as it seems we need to watch ourself. Not mom or dad. Your health first, like I said I had to do a total cut off from dad and mom still teeters.

Sadly sleep issues, shakes, memory... All PTSD and not to scare you but don't be shocked to see it get worse. We will be here for you then too, but it is still the same, it does not get better without taking issues by the horns. And it ain't a short road, hon.

And going into work expecting it to be hard... Well, you just made it so! Remember everyone there just had holidays and are tired.

We are here for rant so rant and get it out, it helps. Glad nightmares are easing, sorry wife is a pain... but that seems normal.

Thanks for the reply. The wife and I had a nice day today, we went shopping and then had a meal together. There were no arguments, just a nice day together :)

NHS is the National Health Service in the UK. It's a "free" service. We're in a transition towards a more private system like you have in the US. Currently there are both free and private systems and the free system really sucks. Yeah he has a big wad of notes about me but he couldn't seem to find the one about PTSD. Anyway, it's not a big deal as there's not much the doc can do, it's down to me to speed along my recovery. I know it's a long road, I have been on it for 10 years or so already. Only recently I've found out what's wrong with me and have been learning how best to heal myself. I feel like the healing process is starting to accellerate slowly now, but it's very much a case of "two steps forward and one step back".

I know what you mean about giving up booze being hard. I've gotten into the habit of coming home from work and opening a bottle of beer. It's a really bad habit as the booze makes me depressed, interferes with my sleep and generally slows down the healing process or even reverses it. It costs me a lot more than just money. If I can just manage to quit it will do wonders for my self confidence and self esteem, not to mention my health. I'm also quitting smoking at the same time. Yeah, maybe it's a bad idea to stop both at once but I've been cutting down on alcohol for a while now and I've managed six days without either. I think I'm almost over the worst of it, but the big challenge is going to be coping with the stress of work and not going back to my old habits. If I can manage a month I will start to feel more victorious, until then I'm not going to chant victory as it's so easy to slide back to old habits.

Yeah, take the bull by the horns - that's exactly what I need to do, rather than hiding away in a cloud of smoke and a daze of alcohol. I know it's a long journey but I'm in it for the long haul.

Thanks again for listening and replying, it really helps. I'm feeling more positive at the moment, yesterday was really a low point.

bob, I was touched when I read what you wrote about your many, many painful, traumatic experiences. I'm familiar with these feelings which such awful experiences bring into our existance. Found much identif. with what you've shared with us. My list of traumatic experiences too, is very long, exhausting for me to own. I suffered self-esteem problems my entire life. My self-image completely distorted. Once believed that there must be something terribly awful about me, to be dehumanized both within the family and outside of the family. Absol. hated what I witnessed too. My very low self-esteem and evil beliefs about myself were all cemented for me at age 19 when sister having beat me severely, and immersed me in scalding water, continued on by slamming my head against the tub, over and over until I could haved died. Family stood by the beating ranting, cheering and encouraging it. It hurt most especially having mother state, that I f'n deserved it. This was one in a chronic stretch of abuse, a great deal psychological/emot. abuse too. I'm not trying to say poor me either, I'm just stating the my facts, as you stated yours. Great job, bob....Great job in sharing and getting some of it out.

If and when I can find a qualified therapist for my PTSD I'm up for it and the long road ahead. At least for today I'm committed to healing and I'll just keep making this decision each new day. I first attempted making a new life for myself nearly 19yrs. ago. It took me nine yrs. just to learn to control my drinking and this I finally did by surrending and giving up drink altogether. Has proven Very rewarding for me.

Gee, I don't wanna' go on besides to say that I too was bullied, ie. (carmal choc. stuck to the back of my head, handfuls of bryers pushed and matted into my hair, choc. shake dumped my way while passing on bike, cruel things said and done, ect., ect.) Your openness and honesty encouraged mine.

I very much identify with you and what you wrote, and perhaps you too might feel a little of what I now feel .....A feeling of knowing I'm not all alone in my traumatic experiences and life. And, THX bob. Deeply appreciated. My best for you and your wife.

......Sincerely, goingonhope

Hi GOH

Thanks for sharing with me and identifying with me. It's always nice to find people you can relate to. I identify with having things stuck in your hair, have had chewing gum stuck in my hair once, it's not very nice :(

I have managed 8 days without any booze and I'm really proud of myself, but I crumbled today and bought some nice english beer. Unfortunately the stress from work has gotten the better of me and I have crumbled under the stress and pressure. I was drinking some caffeine at work, only a little but enough to set me off with the shakes. I wish it wasn't so, but the pressure from work is too much for me to handle at the moment :( The stress I feel is just too much to cope with, it is making me ill. When I got home from work I was in a bit of a mess and went to buy some beer. I feel pretty bad now, I know this is not the best way to cope.

Well as I have said before it's a case of two steps forward and one step back. I'm not going to let a small setback prevent me from progressing in my recovery. I am feeling pretty bad now, I have pain in my chest because of the stress :( I don't really know how to deal with it. I have had over 2 hours of hard exercise (cycling) today but that is no enough to keep the stress at bay.

Take care.

bob, acknowledge it is anxiety and accept and welcome the pain... Not all days work, but that is the usual course of action to ease my chest pains.

Note to self :-

Alcohol doesn't help when you're feeling stressed, try some camomile tea instead.

After 4 beers last night I still felt as bad as before I started drinking. Then I had a couple of camomile teas and felt slightly better straight away and sept fairly soundly (for me). When I woke up I still felt stressed, but it is easing off slightly now. I have a pounding headache today, probably caused by both the alcohol and the stress. Now I have to get some work done *sigh* ;)

veiled, thanks for the tip I will try that.

I drink tonnes of chamomile... Try adding a little spearmint! It helps. And OK I know not a guy thing but the baby bath by johnson and johnson for bed time. Lavender in it and they have a bed time lotion too. It does help relax. You can always take a shower not to smell baby fresh in the AM... Or just drive all the ladies crzy over the baby smell LOL.

I have some camomile tea with spearmint - very tasty!

:D

I also have some stuff called "anti-stress activator". It is really good for bed time. I think I'll get some lavender oil too.

Ok. I know that most majority of PTSD sufferers have nightmares. My problem is the inverse. I have (or no remember) any dream. Rarely it happens. I dont know why but I think I not dream . Has anyone this symptom?