Ever since my time of Hell, I've had these really graphic, lifelike, horrible dreams involving some kind of death. But lately, these dreams have been cropping up for no apparent reason, and with greater frequency. Last night was about the End of Social Order, and as usual, I was wholly unprepared for it, so people died or suffered terribly.

I'm pretty sure these dreams started a few months after 9/11, and I know I was unable to properly deal with that event as I was in a long-term, stressful situation at the time that required my complete attention and mental stability. Because of what I've been through, I now subscribe to most Mormon survivalist ideologies and almost obsessively strive to establish supplies and stockpiles in case of another terrorist attack. I don't know if I'm just feeding my anxieties or taking healthy measures to make sure I never feel so helpless again, but I certainly feel better when I'm preparing for an "eventuality". I don't go into debt to buy anything, but I am almost constantly thinking about what could happen and what I would do if something went down, terrorist or otherwise.

The weird thing is, these dreams don't emotionally bother me, and I feel no anxiety during them...just a faint sense of dread when I wake up. I chalk that up to that damned emotional control I had to use during my time of Hell.

Anyhow, I was just wondering if this particular outlet is healthy, and also if these dreams will stop once I've dealt with it all. Also, what causes them to be there if there is really no trigger involved? Or am I just overlooking the trigger?

I guess what I want to know is, what part is (hopefully) rational thought and what part is PTSD paranoia? It's difficult to distinguish between the two right now.

Sorry about this second post...I couldn't find the edit button.

Eagle3, I'm pretty sure that yes your dreams may likely stop once you've dealt with it all. I say this because, I haven't dealt with it all and yet unless I'm actively confronting my trauma, I don't have nightmares anymore.

Every night use I use to have horrible, terrible nightmares. I got so use to them that when they stopped almost entirely for years, I missed them. I was so active and busy days with my new twins that I was falling asleep evenings and waking normally not even remembering I had dreamed anything. Days, I had little to no time to connect with my personal feelings and self, that I actually began missing my horrid dreams because at least they either revealed or invited my true self and story. Now unless I'm actively reading about my trauma's I'm simply never having nightmares. There is one exception and that's the nicotine patch gives me nightmares. And, oh yeah, I certainly didn't have to be needing and taking medicines to have nightmares, but when I did my dreams were sometimes at their wickedest.

And also, who really knows if you're not overlooking a trigger, it's possible to do, as I use to watch every lifetime movie about violence, betrayal, murder ect. and every Law and Order SPD and some of my other favorites were, News, Forensics and Crime scene invest., America's most wanted and on and on....LOL And, can you believe it, I never put 2 and 2 together to see where what I was viewing was triggering me.

Sorry, Eagle3, but all I can give is some support, by just letting you know you're certainly not alone.

Hi Eagle3,
Overlooking a trigger is a possibility--I've done it before...and am not entirely sure I stopped...

As for prepering for "eventuality"...I always want to have candles/flashlights, canned food etc around in case another war starts and have my passport near me at all times...so that if it did start, I could split ...I also watch news obsesively (so as not to miss poetential trouble) even though I get triggered...

Eagle, PTSD is quite a wild beast to put it mildly. The obsessions you have in regard to stockpiling in case of another terrorist attack, is part of the OCD component that comes with PTSD. Some doctors try and tell you that you have OCD, but in fact with PTSD you will actually get some OCD qualities. Let me ask you this. If another terrorist attack occurred, what is your stockpile of items going to do for you? A terrorist attack on a part of a country, doesn't stop the country, nor does it often even stop the part that was attacked. Look at the London underground! Within days it was cleaned up, and whilst it happened, London didn't stop functioning. Even 9/11, the city still functioned, food was still available, water, clothing, showers, etc etc...

Now then you could say, New Orleans! If you lived in something like that, all the stockpiles in the world wouldn't off helped you, because they would have all been under water and washed away. Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour (OCD) has to be reasoned. PTSD is what causes it from fear, and when that fear is reasoned with, OCD is no longer present.

Just like your nightmares. People think that nightmares have to be about or resemble their trauma, but in fact they can have nothing too do with any off your past at all, but based more upon the fears that your mind is creating daily based on your past. If you never feared snakes for instance, but your trauma was never dealt with, then you could suddenly become to fear them, which means you could then have nightmares about snakes. Your mind is fed by fear... the fear is caused by the trauma, the trauma causes PTSD. To reason, understand and accept trauma, removes the fear, which in turn removes the nightmares.

So no, your not crazy, your not losing the plot, you just have uncontrolled PTSD. When your ready to deal with your trauma, then as you do so, the side effects of PTSD become less and less during the course off it.

A bit off the subject but about nightmares. Being a cop, for years I've had what I just called "The Cop Dream". It's always confronting the bad guy, a shootout or fight begins and no matter what I do in the dream, the gun doesn't work the bad guy can't be beaten. The doctors all always say the same thing "We'll get to it but never do. Any ideas ?

Anthony...So THAT's why I keep rearranging the shopping cart at Wal-Mart! It drives my mom nuts, but when the crowds get thick, I have to constantly rearrange the stuff in the cart. I've always known it was a nervous habit, but I never thought it was part of PTSD. Neat.

Terry...I have that dream sometimes too. I hate the helpless feeling when the gun won't work. Couldn't tell you what it means to you, but it sounds like one of my typical dreams. They really suck, though; I feel for ya.

Bingo Eagle... if you didn't have fear of crowds, then the crowd wouldn't bother you, hence you wouldn't be constantly rearranging the cart. You hit it on the head. When you deal with your trauma, you are dealing with the fear that trauma has caused your mind. No more trauma, no more fear, thus no more worrying about crowds, thus no more rearranging the shopping cart at Wal Mart.

You hit it with "nervous habit". Something is making you nervous (anxious), being PTSD. You answered the root of the problem yourself with that statement.

Terry, what can you tell me about the dream in relation to when you joined the force? Is this something that all police, or majority off, have? Is this something that actually comes from the something back in training, where the constant fear right from training is your gun not working, or the bad guy getting you before you get them?