Can I love myself any more? Do I dare to hate myself any less? I can’t let go, my pain defines me. Without it I am nothing, and yet I am free. Can I forgive him the pain, inflicted body and soul, is it even possible to, without destroying me forever? Will I ever understand why such a simple love could be tainted, why it could be destroyed? Why such a brotherly love be converted to rape? Destroyed forever, my trust ever gone. Could I have not fought? Did he not know?

Why hate me, when it wasn’t my fault. I did not ask for this, I railed against it. Why should I take the blame, why can’t he stand up and admit that what he did was wrong. Why can he not understand that he destroyed a little part of me each time he came to my bed. Why does he not realize anything beyond his own needs?

Do you see me in my pain? Can you see past this attempt at a happy face? Let me know you care. Let me know I’m not alone. Please, release me. I feel so lost, the darkness of this night beckons to the deepest parts of me. Shall I embrace it? Shall I be free from this constraints? Shall I let death finally claim me?

I feel the betrayal thick across my tongue, tainting that rain sweetness of childhood. It fills my mouth with a rotten sweetness, a taste of wormwood and honey. Wash this taste from memory, give me something to hold onto. Gods give me hope, friends give me support.

You are my brother, my twin. Why did you distort this? Why did you want more then I could give? I fought so much, and yet still you held me down, you took your price. I paid with my all, and I always gave my all. Once I would have given you everything, now I can’t even give you my shame. Dare I even say it, dare I admit it to myself? Why do I feel so dirty all the time, if it wasn’t my fault?

Pain is the key to me, it is what keeps me functioning. To watch the blisters raise, the smell of heated metal and flesh. The sharp pain that throbs, hard, under my skin, screaming to be let out. Some days I let it out, I let the anger and betrayal escape in streams of scarlet. I draw the blade across my skin, and feel nothing. It is a wonder that I still bleed, when all I feel inside is a frozen numbness.

Let my pain lesson. Let me run away, hide in the masses of strangers. I want to disappear, I need to change. I strive to find out if I am worthy, if I can ever be the person that everyone sees. I wonder if I can be the lie. I hurt so much, it overshadows everything I am. It makes me wonder if I am anything like him, if it was his path to damage me beyond repair. I wonder to myself if I can escape my fate, if I am strong enough to heal. I wonder if I will ever let myself love, ever open up enough to let anyone close.

Can I hide away from everyone, never admit the truth? Is it stronger to take this path, or is total passivity showing more strength. I can’t deal with me anymore, I don’t want to cope. I want to go back to when I was safe, innocent. Let me hide in this shadow world, never here, always a breath away. I don’t want to destroy myself, and yet I am slowly dying with the words left unspoken.

Save me, please, someone out there fill this void. Hold me close, keep me near. Don’t let me stray. Keep this blood in my veins, not spilled across this barren floor. I need this, I need to be free. Let me soar, love me dear. Hold me here, my time is now.

My God GR'ass it brought tears to my eyes reading all that you wrote. I just love the way you expressed yourself. Please keep speaking and sharing your truths, letting all your pain and it all Out. And, all the anger out, when safe for you to do so, in as constructive ways as you can. We won't judge you, in fact I want the very best for you. I want more for you than I want for myself, because my God GR'ass you amaze me with your strength each time you share and post. Please don't hesitate to share, anything, and all that you want and need to, and get it all Out. Sorry if this feels a little mushy to you, but that's how I feell right now warm, teary eyed and mushy and wish I could give you a great big hug right now.

I believe you have every bit of needed strength to heal and hope you will channel and use every bit of it for your healing, GR'ass.

My thoughts are with you, pulling for you and hoping for the very best for you in your healing process.

i don't know what to say, cass, except that i care, and so do many others, and you can get past this some day. i have to hope that for myself. i am praying for you. hang in there.
cathy

Big hugs to cookie and Goingonhope.

It's funny, I don't feel very strong.

I look at every one elses post and feel blessed to share in them. It is your strength, each and every one of you that help get me through the worst times.

Knowing that you too have walked in the veiled darkness,
knowing that we are all searching for our way out, our sanctuary. Knowing that you understand, each and every one of you, what it's like to want to lash out at nothing, to fight, rail against memory.

It is you that give me strength to carry on. It is you that have given me a chance to start to heal.

Gr...thanks for putting into eloquent words what I cannot. I relate to it so much. It's as if I were writing it...

Thanks.