Well a few of you knew I took the last step off of xanax. The makers of xanax reccomend not cutting more than .5 mg a cut. My last step off was 1 mg. I am still proud coming down from 10 mg to this 1mg a day. But man I fell on my face when I went to zero. Anthony refered to it as a hiccup LOL. Made me feel better. I had to bump it back up to .5 hubs isn't home so he cannot shove the .75 down my throat which is where he personally thinks I need to be until I see a new doc. Honestly I do not have a clue. Doc wants me on no less than 1.5 mg and stay. Me I want off. Hubs wants me on .75. And Anthony wants me to find a number and not waffle!

I started getting where I had to meditate for hours on end to try and control the panic consuming me and all the panic attack symptoms shooting off the charts. But not a monk and I cannot live in that state. My meditating would be interrupted by my body reacting jerking like I was being shocked. It only last a few seconds and did not hurt, just worried me. After several times of that I got up thinking the hell with this as it jacks up meditating but soon as I got up the panic symptoms spiraled out of control along with my mentality (usually I can control them with confronting but lord only knows why that thought process flew out the window and could not use it). It looks like one of the withdrawl symptoms of seizure was trying to peek in. Not something I am dying to play with. That is just scary as most unknowns are.

But when I did take the small dose of meds it got me calmed enough to think of what I am dealing with and why I am reacting like I do. So venting it out. This is more for me so I can look it back over.

A. My teen girl is so happy where she is, for now anyway. But I am trying to come to terms she may stay with her dad and accept it. Very hard for me to do considering the asshole denied her but most of all that is my baby girl. And her comments that I swear if she was in arms reach I would have smacked her.

B. I accidently triggered myself. My ex I get along with took me to his house as I was getting bad dizzy spells and feeling faint, depth perseption shot... he was afraid I would wipe out and being home alone and no one know if I bumped my head. When he took me home for feeding animals He took back roads as I don't do well on hiways. The dirt roads were white and very secluded. Nothing but trees and unpopulated. It was like being on that trip in the woods with the ex who was going to kill me. Second trip on the way there the second night to take me home and drop me off same thing. So memories are a bitch to get out of my head. I am seeing it is the time of year of that BS. I did not really snap to it until now.

C. I am scared of moving. Simply put. But hubs is heading out this AM back home he has found us a nice home. They have no problem with my pets and no pet deposit. It is property of the church in a small town. Used to be the pastor's home until he bought one. He put down a deposit and signed a lease and they said it still needs to go in front of the church elders (formality I guess). They asked why he was moving and he kept it pretty simple. Get close to family and a good support system as his wife had a nervous break down... OK call it whatever LOL. But he said they were very sympathetic to our situation and well we have enough in the bank to pay several months rent in advance so that cannot hurt! He did tell them the part of the lease of proper notice before showing up was needed to be strictly enforced, saying I don't do well with surprises like people showing up. So looks like Hubs and kids get to start going to church since they were invited! Told hubs I am not going. No way am I getting trapped in a room full of strangers! They offered to be of any help that could be, so that was nice. He said they seemed to be genuinly nice understanding people. They must have been as it was the most expensive home on hubs list to go through.

D. So much packing and a few animals I still need to place.

E. More doctors. I mean who wants to go to a new doc and rehash this, and how many will I go through to find the right one?

F. MIL will likely be helping unpack I know and setting up the home. I am a bit private and do not like the idea. But trying like hell to get it will be help and accept it.

G. My younger son is staying with his dad. But he does have a great support system and between my in laws and ex they will ensure he flies out often.

H. Once I get out there and majority of my triggers removed will I function?

I. Losing my best bud from my older teen years.

J. Trying not to feel like a failure that I am having to move to remove every possible trigger to get on an even ground. But a good support system and close to a church who seems genuine may do me well. Long as I still do not listen and watch news.

K. I really really hate losing my farm.

So if you do not see me much I will be packing and trying to get my mind wrapped around all this. I know most of it is for the best but it is hard. Go figure.

I hope all of y'all are doing well!

Veiled,

I'm sorry you have to move and leave your farm. I just hope that this move will help you. ((((Hugs)))

BTW-I moved around a lot for years with the military and I hated each and every move. New places, new people, new routines for someone who craves stability-I know what you mean about being scared.

You just know I am eager to respond to some of this one... :)

A. Already discussed.

B. Already discussed

C. I am scared of moving. Me too... I hate it actually.

D. Arrr... animals, the warmth of a PTSD sufferers life.

E. More doctors. Have all your files from previous doctors, dump them upon new one's once satisfied, and tell them to read.

F. MIL will likely be helping unpack I know and setting up the home. Kerrie just had the same problems. Its a female thing I think. But, we got a person in to help unpack, and I must say it took a whole lot of stress out of moving in. Accept it for what it is veiled... help.

G. My younger son is staying with his dad. Tough one... something that is your decision.

H. Once I get out there and majority of my triggers removed will I function? I know you will...

I. Losing my best bud from my older teen years. Your not losing him, your just moving across states. Phone, Internet, video chat...

J. Trying not to feel like a failure that I am having to move to remove every possible trigger to get on an even ground. If that makes you a failure, then I must certainly already be one, as I moved in order to be removed from a constant trigger than could not be beat any time soon. I doubt either off us are failures veiled. Negative thinking... cut it out. Put a positive on it, such as... Moving means I have support, means I no longer have to visit places where my abuse occured, means I no longer have to suffer panic attacks in relation to my ex turning up on my doorstep, etc etc... More positives than I can find negatives in that one.

K. I really really hate losing my farm. Thats a cruncher... but a sacrifice worth paying for the rewards your gaining.

Oh... please take it easy on yourself. I do not expect to see you here much actually with the moving going on. You have covered my arse here veiled, I will do the same for you. Thats what friends do. Have some stress free time, move and then relax. When your settled, come and say hi, we're not going anywhere.

LOL I like the part of tell the docs to just read the file... Or book more like it!

My younger son I have little choice. He has so much family and his dad is not evil. Thing was I was so beaten down with all the court procedings that went on for years with the evil one... No fight in me. I just signed papers put in front of me. Those papers state he has custody. It just happens he is not a huge ass and he allowed my son to live with me on the farm. Has for years but on paper I do not have the right. I could go to court but $$$ I don't have to sue for custody, all the cash is going out on the move and resettling. Plus putting me back in a courtroom setting would send me for a whirlwind. I don't think I would have much chance considering why I am moving. But they are supposed to setting up video chat and ensure he will be flown out often. His dad and inlaws both are going to work together on the flights. They already plan to come back to Texas and fly him back to me and fly with him back home so I can have him for the summer. No kids allowed to fly alone anymore, when I was a kid they gave you plastic pilot wings and they kept an eye on you making sure someone picked you up at the gate.

Will take it easy, having anxiety attacks that are not much fun but under control.

Wow you're going through a lot right now veiled. Please take care, hope the move goes okay and that you take it easy. Ha I should talk, I just got out of the hospital, my uncle is here and giving me the stink eye because here I am on the forum for the second time today. Obviously I'm not very good at taking my own advice.

Anyways I do hope all goes well for you. Talk to you again in a few days I hope.

Whoa Nelly... I know I have not stayed on top of things lately... But your uncle is there???? And you were in the hospital why??? Is this posted elsewhere? You made my heart jump in my throat, I worry too much about a few of y'all! OK, I will take my break before Anthony kicks me, but very curious about that! Please tell or tell me where I need to look.

OOOPS ... really sorry to have worried you veiled. Didn't mean to. It slipped my mind that I have not actually shared on the forum that I was in the hospital over the weekend. I had just PMd anthony about it. Anyways I am fine, needed to have minor albeit emergency gastroscopic surgery, because of a perforation in the lining of my stomach. I was scared and so called my uncle and aunt. My uncle flew out immediately, as he was coming to this part of the country for a training mission next week anyhow. His job is training troops to go on overseas deployment, and one of the training camps is near where I live. Anyways I am glad he's here, he's been really good to me although way too parental haaa. I am supposed to be resting now. Will go back to resting right now though. Anyways so sorry to worry you. Really I am fine. I have to be more careful what I say!!!

Oh btw remember our conversation about accents? There is a funny commercial on Canadian TV right now, which features a car salesman who has a heavy Newfoundland accent. The accent is exaggerated and includes dialect, but I found it on YouTube so thought I'd share it with you so you get an idea of what it sounds like (hope sharing a link is allowed... not sure). My own accent is similar though not as heavy, and I don't use dialect much, mostly just normal English words. The really sad thing though is haha that I understand every word of the commercial without the subtitles. Anyways take care and I hope you enjoy the commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m-y-qAbpL0

LOL thanks for the the link, it was funny. After a couple go rounds I could start to understand most of what he said, put a smile on my face and it was pretty cool sounding! I imagine the female version is beautiful and priceless.

And I had to check, the Dr Phil guy is from the area I thought, I know my Texas accents too well haha.

You rest and recover. I am happy to hear you are glad he is there. It is "funny" what throws people together isn't it? I am very happy to hear it is going smoothly and I hope you adjust to him being around smoothly. You take care of yourself now and let him help :)

I second that stink eye... let your brain rest, let your body rest... please. Go and spend time with your uncle, getting to know him again. The time away, lots has happened, so go catchup would you. Don't make me come over their and :boxing:

:tongue: