Welcome Faerie, Good people here. Lots of new folks (I'm a newbie too). I don't think it matters if you believe in a sumpreme being or not you won't be judged for anything. We are all human (esp. here) and have all suffered from the very dark side of the human or inhuman experience. In the general chat section some of our talented members have posted their art.

Glad you found us Faerie, and welcome aboard. Much support here, for you. Faerie !

Hi Faerie Evenstar,
That's such an awful experience you've been through. Perhaps what put you off guard the most was that you expected a Christian to treat you with respect and dignity. I'm sorry he took advantage of you.

I wanted to comment on a few things you spoke about to help you possibly make sense of why this is happening to you now after these 3 years.

It is evident, particularly in my work as a Family and Relationships Counsellor, that people process trauma at various times in their life and sometimes many times in their life. Supression or avoidance is very common because of the fear that stares us directly in our face. The best conditions for processing traumatic thoughts is when we feel safe and not rushed, this way our anxiety can scale up and down but still be controlled enough to process successfully. Effective therapy while planning a wedding is almost impossible because both events are very stressful and your body tires easily.

I'll bet sometimes you've felt "But I thought I dealt with that!!!" It sounds like when you met your husband you were able to deal with it then, which is why it went away. But it came back, which means 'be prepared to see it from a different persepctive'. We learn many meanings from events in our life and sometimes these meanings change as our world changes.

It is a good thing that you are "crumbling" now because it means you feel very safe to explore this issue becuase you have your supports around (husband, family and friends). Often when we feel secure with our immediate surroundings and feel safe that the ground under our feet won't move we are able to reflect more effectively on our past which helps make sense of our today. Personal reflection through talking or drawing is often very helpful, but simply getting it out is most important (provided the anxiety levels associated to the exposure is not too high) and recognising how this has changed you is important. I would recommend you continue your therapy and welcome the idea of exploring a new dimension of who you are. This reprocessing stage is very normal and relevant in shaping you as a person.

Sometimes our lowest points make us stronger and more secure in who we are and how we perceive the world.

I hope this helps you to feel at ease and ride with this wave. Listen and trust your body. The symptoms means you might be ready to release and realise something. Try not to fight it because it might come back intensified and you may learn how to recognise your patterns and prevent some symptoms.