Due to my sucky inability to concentrate on schoolwork this semester, I had to go beg for an extension on an assignment. I did so, with cold hands and rubbery knees, and was doing alright until the guy asked me, "why do you need an extension?" My blood pressure shot up so fast I know my face turned red, and I couldn't look the guy in the face while I stammered for an answer. Finally told him this semester was crazy, and that (thankfully) was good enough for him. I thanked him and walked off to my safe-zone, the breakroom in receiving. The grounds guys were passing out chocolate, so I grabbed a handful and chatted with them until I had cooled off some. I then walk out to get a drink in the cafeteria, and everybody in the whole damn school was there! I involuntarily stopped at the turnstile with my eyebrows in my hairline, stared for a few minutes, then collected myself enough to walk out. Needed a quiet place to slow my pounding heart, so I went to my Chemistry prof's office and told her I needed a quiet place to chill for a few. She's a therapist who specializes in brain injuries and suffers from panic attacks as well, so she let me sit in her office for almost an hour. Thank God for understanding teachers. She had this wonderful, loud-ticking clock, so I concentrated on the ticking while breathing. I was able to calm down in about 30 minutes w/out drugs, but I would have killed for a Valium, if there had been any nearby.

The one thing that started this whole episode was having to admit I couldn't do something, and needed help...during my Helltime, doing that guaranteed vicious teasing and having your words used against you in the most painful way possible. I've been able to admit to myself that no one is perfect, everyone needs help, and I'm not exempt from that, but admitting that publicly still sends me over the edge. AAAAAARRRRGGGHGHGHHHH!!!!!!

Ok, I feel better now, just a slight tension headache.

Eagle, I think you did great. Asking for help is hard enough but when we ask for help directly relating to our PTSD, it's nearly impossible. You made it. Is there a place where you can have a loud ticking clock and an endless amount of chocolate? A special place just for you to go relax in?

I'm glad you got somebody there on your side. It most definatly helps. I had a LT. like that. She knew when to pull me off the street just by the sound of my voice on the radio.

Wow, Eagle, you did great...I know how it feels...I never asked for help on anything before and I was doing great and now...it's just so frustrating...so, good job calming down.

Eagle, your learning, and for that... well done. We are not perfect, we are not super beings, we are not invinsible, we are not robots; we are wrong at times, we do make mistakes, we are human and as such, we all need to give ourselves a break at times for being such.