Hannah, Yes because it sounds oh so familiar (re:the last time we dealt w/PTSD; but we didn't know it was PTSD-related). I couldn't do anything right, stayed in the doghouse, we argued over me disciplining his kids (we have 2 mine, 2 his) & visa versa. He didn't "leave the cop at the door." He issued orders to all of us, & if the order wasn't followed, well, you know...
The abuse was psychological, emotional, and on 2 occasions physical (you'd pee on yourself if you knew what he did). I was not able to become detached, just scared.
Finally, in September '04, he said HE was tired of putting up w/this s**t & walked out a few seconds later. We seperated for 14 months (I filed for divorce after 6 mos). We didn't talk at all for a year. He said that during that time, he had a really rough time w/PTSD. He had to hit bottom before he realized who & what was really important to him. (I spent alot of time at the bottom, too. But I grew much stronger.) Then last Nov we reconciled, with a few of my conditions. I was NOT going to dive back into the same abuse! Everything was great for 7 mos, then the PTSD popped up again. He's not abusive now, just a different person who spends most of his time in his head.
Sometimes it feels like I just want too much.:(

Oh mymy god are we married to the same man - only joking!!!! he was in the army and he got out of his uniform and he was the most kind loving generous man.........he went into the police force and was on shifts so we grew apart...... he jumped back into the war zone in iraq and each time he came home i recognised him less - but I longed for him to "return" he did a few days at a time then he just threw himself into work .


I was saying all the things to him that were frightening me " no soul detatched no compassion lifeless " unless it was about his work the final straw came when he sat in the chair demonistically saying he was going to scour for other women after a skin full of booze. I demanded it was over and couldnt take any more. Our kids have suffered and now I am enjoying their company again. He was never violent only shouting in his sleep . Never ever saying there was anything wrong only that it was me!!!!!! I was on edge and upset but I gave as good as I got - I didnt understand as he wouldnt talk that's what broke my heart!!!!

PS no you dont want too much we just want our men back - we all deserve a loving respectful relationship- love and kindness and compassion are everything in this short life.... I want that too. But only with him at the moment I have wasted nearly 4 years of my life dont know if I can do it any longer we'll see. God is good but he certainly works in mysterious ways

Hannah my sister,
Not only are we married to the same man-- we're twins!! I began to recognize him less & less over the yrs. But I became so depressed, I guess he could say that about me, too. I felt but didn't dare say the same things you found frightening. My family excels at denial...I loved him so much I think I just kept hoping it would change. But the detachment & lack of compassion grew worse instead.
What a jerk for saying those things to you!:angry-fla Good for you being strong enough to kick him out-- his self-destructive behavior definitely isn't going to change without intervention (& lots of it!)!!

Re: being upset: Same here, sister! I realize they're fighting the demons in their own heads, but don't they have to come back to Earth for a few minutes now & then?? They're still husbands, fathers...people!

Maybe I'm just venting-- I'm on my own here, can't talk to anybody about this stuff except here.

hi tig you about?

Hi tig - glad Ive found you - but
I would hate to influence you all relationships are different so you know what your up against.......

Me Ive suffered humiliation all because he cant communicate ...... I thought he wouldnt but i think it is really because he cant .... I feel sorry about my reaction to his behaviour but it is human nature to defend one's self and the lioness in me arose to protect my children..... against their father ... mad isnt it.

Ive tried to apologise and tell him i was so frustrated with his persona but he now looks at me like something from under his shoe ........ such a strange face full of hatred and yet he says he could never ever hate me.....vocals and behaviour just do nottttttt match thats what got me all over the place.


couldnt even trust my own intuition. lost all my self confidence and most casual friends .... I am off sick from my job where I was badly verbally abused by a student so can understand stress and flight fright syndrome but the worst thing is the feeling of hopelessness cannot help him....



I'm sure his sister feels I am telling lies as she sees the normal gentle quiet side of him. SO she doesnt think he needs the help i do. They are all accepting the fact he needs a bit of space cause weve had an argument oh my god how wrong people can get things if thy dont understand ironic I suppose thats us spouses as well.....
look forward to hearing your reply take care

Hi Ladies :)
wish i could have joined in this conversation earlier.... Tig+Hannah, i just wanted to say that i guess i am ashamed. Like you, me and my husband are living like nothing but roomates :( but i guess i said "dating" because it makes me feel better :( But yes, it is horrible, and hard to put up with after a while. One of you said you have been living this way for about 9months..... we are going on about 5 or 6months like this.

I get told all the time that i make a big deal about everything... and that i expect too much...but i dont understand how he see's the way we are living as "ok" or "normal" even.... I tell my hubby i dont feel married sometimes, that i could live the way i do now by myself somewhere else... he, on the other side see's it the opposite.... dont know if i am making sense, but he sees nothing wrong with the way he is and the way we interact :(
I dont get it :( I ask him how long this will last, because its him not me and he has no idea...what the heck are we supposed to do in the meantime in order to stay sane??? :(

hi - Ladies just to share with you that in calmer moments - I said I was sorry and that perhaps "I expected too much from him" he replied "no you deserve everything" so I was even more confused by that. It has only just struck me that on his "departure" he apologised to our son and said " I cannot give your mother what she wants" !!!????
So perhaps he is aware that something is amiss - he justs wants time so I am in Gods hands praying for patience and his return - he is so determined and focussed on him at the moment. Defensive and focussed on his work, of course I could be totally wrong and he has just had enough of me but thats me being negative!!

Hi Hannah if he is focuses on his work be careful as this was our downfall at the start of this year. We bought a small business one of the reasons was to give my hubby some reason to get out of bed.Well he approached this like a bull at a gate and I was in the firing line.He was abusive, spent all our money spoke to people like I have never seen of him before. We have been married 25 years he had a real cranky streak come out competely different personality. Anyway he had a breakdown and I had to move in to save the business. He is now getting counselling and trying to ever so slowly help himself by attending a PTSD clinic. I can notice a little bit of improvement. We have slept in separate rooms for a couple of years now but there is stll a bit of affection there.
Jen

thanks Jen - I have been worried about this for a while so I have given him a book male life management - and I was pleased to hear our daughter saying that he told her he ha dturned work down and realised he was giving more than anyone in that company! She told him he should finish earlier in the day and he has agreed to try hope is a wonderful thing must be a 25 year thing eh...